So sorry it's been so long.......

March 29, 2012 – Just not enough time in my day….

I have received several emails from people asking how my ultrasound went and I have to apologize for never posting after the event; I just haven’t found time to sit down and write anything at all. We went in on March 9^th for the scan to detect whether or not this baby has Anencephaly; NONE was detected. This baby has a nicely formed round head, with no anomalies as of yet. We are not out of the woods, but are remaining focused and thankful for this huge hurdle being behind us.

We were running late, as usual, and when we got there one of my favorite nurses (and my dear friend) came strolling in behind us; she’s been there for each ultrasound so far. When they called my name, the stress got to be too much; it was Joy, the same ultrasound tech that had performed the scan that detected Thomas’ Anencephaly; talk about a punch to the gut. I couldn’t help but think; here we go, this is happening all over again. I never said that, I simply told Joy something like, “this time will be different, only good news”! Aaron and I had decided that it would just be us in there for this one, just in case it was bad news, so my parents and Brittni stood outside waiting impatiently to hear something from our room. I almost walked out of that ultrasound; the fear almost got the best of me. I have never been so scared of something in my life; knowing that your life IS going to change and could very well change in a negative way, has a way of forcing you back into an all too familiar hell on earth rather fast. I know I wasn’t breathing and I’m pretty sure Aaron wasn’t breathing either. I begged Joy to be honest with me and to actually talk to me this time. She said she would tell me every single thing that she saw and wouldn’t make me wait for any surprises from Dr. Sherman. I am so thankful for the staff there; they really take such phenomenal care of me. She started the scan and I could literally see my heart pounding out of my chest and I didn’t give her much time before I started badgering her and she quickly said that this baby doesn’t have it!! That, of course, wasn’t enough for me, I had to make her show me how she knew for sure and she did; a nice dark white line surrounding this baby’s head shows that the skull has formed. What a relief, my heart completely calmed at that point; I have never had my heart go from pounding to complete peace in a split second like that!!! I kept asking Aaron if he was going to go get everyone in the hall and he wasn’t moving fast enough, I think we were both in shock that this was really happening. Those of you that have never had such a traumatic experience will never understand what it’s like to be in shock that your baby is actually healthy; be thankful. My parents and Brittni came in the room to celebrate with us and it’s all hazy from that point, I do remember that I was able to hold it together until we all joined hands and my dad prayed; that seemed to solidify what we had just seen. Healthy babies are a true miracle and for anyone to argue otherwise is beyond my comprehension. We will go back on April 9^th to do further blood work and will see the dreaded Dr. Reiter on April 26^th, 3 days before Thomas’ first birthday, to check for any other possible neural tube defects; after that we are in the clear! Please continue to pray for the health of this baby.

Once we got the good news, we felt comfortable telling our kids about this baby. We felt it was necessary to keep it from them until we could tell them whether or not this baby would have to leave us like Thomas did. One of the hardest things to do is to tell your children that this baby you’ve been talking to them about and preparing them for will not survive on earth with us. We told Aaden first and he had the sweetest, most innocent response. I showed him the ultrasound picture and I asked if he knew what that was a picture of, he said, “that’s my baby brother or sister”. I thought this response was so profound until I started thinking about the millions of times he saw Thomas in that same form, he would probably think anyone’s ultrasound picture was a picture of his baby brother or sister. I started praising his response and asked him if he knew where the baby was and he said, “in heaven?”, gut wrenching. My poor baby doesn’t know any better, he doesn’t realize that baby brothers and sisters are supposed to live with you on earth; he just assumes they all go to heaven. I explained that this baby was in my tummy and that this was not Thomas, but a different brother or sister; Aaron was chiming in there too because we were trying to make him understand what was happening, with very little success might I add. When we told him that it was not Thomas he became furious and started yelling that he didn’t want a different baby; again, if you’ve never had to experience this, count your blessings. We told him that Thomas would always be his brother and that would never change but that he would have another baby brother or sister and that would make two for him. He finally calmed down and has somewhat adjusted to the idea.

The older kids have a better grasp of the reality of it, the death aspect of it, and they had more pointed questions for us. My sister told her children the day we found out and the big fear for them, especially my nephew, was that they would have to live through the nightmare of losing another baby cousin. Kamryn was super excited to know that I was having another baby but that was quickly overshadowed by thoughts of this one passing away too so she just blurted out, “is this baby going to die too”?? Aaaaaahhhhhhh!!! It’s so hard to remain composed when kids say things like this, but it’s just innocent inquiries. I just told her that this baby does not have the same thing that Thomas did, but we do not know God’s bigger plan and we will just have to wait and see if this baby will be completely healthy so we can keep them and watch them grow. Now her biggest concern is making sure it’s a girl! She wants a girl and Aaden wants a boy, they spent this past weekend fighting over it and when I said that God gets to decide if it’s a boy or girl Aaden looks at her and says, “I heard God say it’s a boy”; how do you argue with that?

Feeling like the worst mommy alive right about now…..

February 20, 2012 – Feeling like the worst mommy alive right about now…..

I haven’t written much lately because I don’t have many positive and encouraging things to say. I am feeling extremely worn down and defeated. Most days I don’t know if I’m coming or going and the little saying, “I’d lose my head if it wasn’t attached”, is an understatement. Laundry is piling up, dishes seem to dirty themselves, the floors need mopping, the bathrooms should probably just be gutted and redone, the dogs need bathing, the sheets need washing, and most importantly, Aaden needs more of me than I’m able to give at this point; defeat at its best. I don’t seem to have it in me to do what needs to be done and I’m becoming discouraged. This pregnancy has been the hardest of my 3 so far, emotionally and physically. I am sicker than I’ve ever been, and if you saw me through my pregnancies with the boys, this means a lot. I have no energy because the constant nausea and occasional vomiting wears me out. I’m well aware that these are all “typical” pregnancy woes that many women experience, the cherry on top of this is, I don’t even know if this baby is okay. I know the comments I will get on this one: God is in control, hand your concerns over to God, don’t even speak of this baby being sick, only speak positive things, everything is going to be fine, on and on and on; I know you all mean well, but those words are not comforting. God was in control with Thomas and His plan was to take him; who am I to assume He has different plans with this baby? Because I am so sick and worn down, I can’t take the time out that I need to with Aaden. He is used to a different life than I’m able to provide at this point. He cries when he knows his daddy has to work because that means he’s stuck at home with me; I can’t say I blame him. I’m falling down on the job. Every single day he asks me if my tummy is feeling better and I can’t say yes because it’s not. We still haven’t told the kids that I’m pregnant because I want to be able to tell them, from the start, whether or not this baby will get to come home. I can’t fill them up with hope of a sibling just to rip it away from them again; until then, Aaden will just have to think I’ve come across the worst stomach bug in circulation.

We have an ultrasound coming up on March 9^th that will determine if this baby has Anencephaly or not and I’m an uncontrollable ball of nerves. I have played through each scenario in my head a million times, I do it daily; trust me, I don’t want to beat myself up like this, I can’t seem to help it. I have tried to imagine how I will feel if they say, EVERYTHING LOOKS GOOD; what will my reaction be?? Will I cry? Will I scream? Will I lay there in disbelief? Will I immediately start texting people? Will I keep the good news to myself because I’m too scared to celebrate? I don’t know how I will feel; I hope I feel nothing but pure relief and joy. I have also tried to imagine how I will feel if they say the words I dread hearing and I always fall apart. I try to determine whether or not it will hit me in the same raw fashion that it did with Thomas or if my lack of blissful ignorance will soften the blow. Is it easier to hear it for a 2^nd time than it was the first time when I still lived in the “that will never happen to me” world?!? I’m half way expecting it so it should be easier to accept, right? Doubtful!

Aaron and I could use your prayers right now! I think this one has gotten the best of us both. I am trying to remain positive and in touch with the fact that this is all out of my hands, but that’s far easier said than done!

In Response to Brooke......

February 20, 2012 – In Response to Brooke…..

My last blog about abortion struck a cord with a girl named Brooke. I have no idea who Brooke is, not sure if we have ever met, but she is clearly very angry. Brooke, I am sorry that my blog angered you to this point and I wanted to let you know why I never approved your comment to be posted in the “comments” portion of my blog. I did not write what I did to stir up a battle about women’s rights. I did not write what I did to anger perfect strangers. I certainly did not write what I did to make myself out to be better than, more Christian than or more righteous that any other woman out there. I wrote it because of that aftermath that you speak of in your comment. This is the comment that you, Brooke, left for me on my blog and I felt the need to share it and address it with you. I tried to find a way to contact you via email or something more personal but because you only included your first name and I couldn’t find your blogger account that I could reach out through; I figured this was the only way.

“You are right...you haven't been raped or molested by a relative, so you have no way of knowing how that feels. To make it out that those girls/women need to be strong and deliver a baby conceived in hate and that by doing this, it will be a wonderful experience, is just wrong. If you feel so moved by their plight, as well as praying, why don't you go and help out those women who you have deemed it necessary to carry a child that they do not want. Oh and pay for the upbringing of this child too. And if you read the statistics, you would know that most women who really don't want their child, but are pushed into for whatever reason, do not give up their child for adoption. Instead, the child grows up in poverty (because lets face it, it is the poor and uneducated that mostly use the services you speak of), unloved, unwanted and in foster care. Why don't you put your thoughts into action and foster a child that is living in less than ideal conditions? A child whose mother did exactly what you wanted her to do. I know, it's all about the baby being born, not about the aftermath. That's what gets me about the whole Pro-Life movement. The child needs to be born, no matter what, but WHO is there after, to provide love, shelter, food and an education. I will tell you....NO ONE!! Definitely not the pro-life centers that feed misinformation to those who are already uneducated and unable to tell the difference between fact and fiction. You are a woman. How do you have the right to tell another woman what they can or can not do with their own body? It just astounds me. I am not justifying the use of abortion as a means of birth-control, as I realize some use it for that reason. But we, as women, should have the right, no matter if it sits well with your religious beliefs or not, to do what is best for ourselves. That is the reason why this country is great....the basic right of freedom of choice. Do you watch the TV and see what happens in countries where women have no (or little) rights?? Taking away OUR right to choose what is best for our body (and life) is akin to going back to the dark ages. What would be next? Maybe women shouldn't vote, because after-all, we are hormonal, emotional creatures who can't think clearly at times. Maybe women shouldn't go to school and get educated because the best place for a woman is at home. Period. I am sorry for what happened to your sweet baby. I respect your choice to do what was right for you. How would you feel if we lived in a society where the doctors had the right to decide which unborn babies lived or died? Would you have liked that choice to be out of your hands? That is what you are asking of other women. Think about that for a moment. Please.”

I would first like to say that I never once said I haven’t been raped or molested by a relative, what I said was that I never had to carry a baby as a product of either of those heinous acts of violence. That’s as far as I choose to take that. I don’t feel that my blog was judgmental at all; my heart bleeds for women that find themselves in this particular position. I actually spoke directly to the fact that these women are haunted for the rest of their lives for this decision. There was a debate taking place on my Facebook page about this very topic and someone brought up the fact that making them face a baby from a rape was like violating them all over again; I just don’t see it that way. Why do they have to face the baby? Why would they ever have to lay eyes on that baby? To me, based off of the encounters I have had with several different women who have chosen abortion, the act of aborting their child is the ultimate violation and they brought it on themselves. These are not things I have made up on my own based off my stance on abortion; these are things that have been shared with me, in confidence, by women who have lived the nightmare of it all. For me, it’s not just about the child needing to be born; it’s also about the mom being able to live in peace with her own thoughts.

You lashed out stating that I need to become a foster parent, I need to provide food and shelter for these kids and so forth. Becoming a foster parent is not something that people should ever jump up and just decide to do. I would love to be a foster parent. My husband and I have discussed it time and time again. I not only want to be a foster parent, I long to be a temporary home; in other words, I do not have the desire to keep the child, I have the desire to be that middle person that nurtures a child while their mom and/or dad get their feet grounded. To be an active part of reuniting a child with stable parents is a dream of mine. I do not feel it’s my job to feed every poor family out there, that might sound harsh but it’s the truth. If I see a true need, I’m more than happy to meet it. I do not think being “poor and uneducated” buys you a ticket to free food, shelter and a 24/7 nanny to take care of this baby that you didn’t want, but some radical pro-life activist talked you into having instead of killing. Raising a child is hard. My husband and I are far from poor, we are both educated and both have wonderful careers. Neither of us were handed those things, we worked for them. That having been said, it’s often times very hard on us to be parents so I can only imagine what it’s like having less financial resources than we do. When we can help people less fortunate, we do it! I also know that there are resources out there for these “poor and uneducated” women; and let’s be honest, if they don’t want their baby, somebody out there does!

I never said anything about making abortion illegal. I never said anything about stripping the rights of women. I never said anything about “religion”, I did, however, make mention of a forgiving and loving God. I never said that women are too dumb or emotional to make choices for themselves. I did not say women should not vote and their place is in the kitchen. What I said is that a sign that reads, “Good Women Have Abortions”, is offensive. I said that abortion is wrong. I also said there ARE good women that have had abortions and have had to live with the regret of that choice. That is my stance on it and nothing will change that. You apologized for what happened to my “sweet baby” and I thank you for that. I am not sorry for the life that Thomas lived, it was his destiny, and he lived it to the fullest. Thomas touched more people in his 3 short days than any of us ever will; had I chosen to abort my son, so many lives would have missed out on God’s love and mercy. You might not see it that way, but from my seat, that’s the way it is! If you read back from the days of his little life, you will see that those 3 days were filled with joy and heartache; the HARDEST days of my life. I don’t think I have ever made mention, especially in my post about abortion, that it will be nothing but a “wonderful experience”; matter of fact, from January 6, 2011 until now, my writings have expressed the exact opposite. What makes it an easier road, I live with zero regret.

I do not judge others, as I am not guilt free. I have a heart that loves and tends to love those in need; be it an unborn child, or a confused mother that doesn’t know what to do with her unborn child. Please do not jump to conclusions about my character, as I do not do that to others.

Good Women Have Abortions

January 19, 2012 / Good Women Have Abortions…..

I had no idea that Beaumont had an abortion clinic until we were at the heart of our situation with Thomas; if Aaron hadn’t gotten nosey one day I think I would still be living in blissful ignorance. He had to go do some blood-work at Quest Diagnostics one day last year, this was a part of the genetic testing we both had to have done, and he noticed a group of women standing outside of the building across the street holding pro-life signs and just HAD to stop and quiz them. He shared a small part of our story with them and traded emails with the lady that seemed to be leading this quiet protest. She was very intrigued by our situation and our CHOICE to not “terminate” our pregnancy, or in other words, our decision not to kill our child that others might have viewed as a “waste”. She talked with Aaron for quite a while asking him if he would be willing to speak at their little pro-life conventions and he quickly threw me under the bus saying that I’m the one that she needed to talk to about that; clearly I’m the talker in our home! I never got in touch with her, she contacted Aaron weekly, but I didn’t feel it was the right time for me to be speaking to the masses when I had no idea what my life held day in and day out. I avoided this opportunity like the plague and as selfish as that might seem, it was something I had to avoid in order to keep my sanity. Our choice to carry out a pregnancy that we had planned and was very much wanted was not something I felt needed to be used as a tool to talk others into making that same choice. For me, it wasn’t an option; we wanted our son, no matter how long we would have him.

Now that we are expecting baby #3 , I am making routine trips to Quest Diagnostic to have blood-work on a regular basis. I am only 4 ½ weeks pregnant and have now been 3 times to have blood drawn; seems a bit extreme, but necessary at the same time. The first time I went I noticed a sign on the abortion clinic that read, “Good Women Have Abortions.” To say that this bothered me is an understatement. I have seen it time and time again in my head and now 3 times in person; it’s haunting me to say the least. I stand firm on my belief that ABORTION IS WRONG! I do not agree with women having the option to kill a child that they willingly laid down and made; I realize they might not have laid down with that intention, but we all know how babies come to be and we also know how to prevent that. People might say what if she was raped? What if it’s incest? What if the baby has a fatal birth defect and won’t survive anyway? What if, what if what if?!? You can take any sin and justify it with the “what if’s” of this world and make it seem right; abortion is being used for birth control when there are many other options out there and it’s wrong. I have previously stated that there are some “grey” areas where abortion is concerned and I would like to elaborate on that. I have never been raped so I cannot speak for those girls that are cursed with a pregnancy as a result of being raped; I can say that there are couples out there dying for a healthy baby and can’t have one; they would love to take her curse and make it their blessing. I have never been in a position to carry a child from an incestuous “relationship” or “rape” and I cannot begin to imagine that nightmare; again, there are people that could benefit from the sacrifice of 40 weeks of this woman’s life. I can say that I have been faced with having to carry a child to full term, knowing far in advance that he would not live, unless God chose to perform a miracle; had I CHOSEN to abort my son, I would have missed out on one of the greatest blessings of my life. Doctors will present abortion as the easy way, the right way and will push it as the ONLY way to handle a pregnancy like that. I would now like to get around to the “grey” area of abortion. When we were first presented with abortion as our option for Thomas my first question to Dr. Sherman (who was not pushing for termination) and Dr. Reiter (who saw termination as the ONLY smart option) was, “am I in harms way?” What if they had said, “you could die carrying him to term”? What would I have done? Would I have made the same decision? Would I know what decision to make? I don’t know what would have happened!! I have said many times that one of the blessings I received in such a turmoil filled time of my life, was not having to choose my life over my child’s life. I was blessed with an easy decision! Carrying Thomas, knowing that he would die, was one of the hardest things I have had to do. Throwing up daily until the day he was born, gaining unwanted weight, losing sleep, feeling fatigued all day long, and ultimately major surgery to remove him from my body; all part of having a child, but seem so unfair when you know your child will ultimately pass away. I can honestly say, without a doubt in my mind, THAT was the easy road. I do not question myself, I do not struggle with the “what ifs”, I do not beat myself up nightly for killing my child, I do not have one single regret where the life of Thomas is concerned and for that I’m grateful. If Dr. Sherman would have said to me, “you will likely die if you choose to carry this baby”, I DO NOT know how I would have handled myself. I have a son here that needs me, I have a husband here that needs me, I have many reasons to live; how does a woman make that decision? Many Christians would say, “rely on God and allow His will to be done”, that’s very easy to say when you’re not sitting in the hot seat; I am a Christian, but I am also well aware that things are not always so black and white. I no longer live for ME, I have people that count on me day in and day out that need me; had I been faced with that, I don’t really want to know how I would have handled myself. That is the only “grey” area of abortion for me, and area that I pray I never have to encounter, outside of that; there are other options available.

I know women that have had abortions. I know their hearts. I know they do have regrets and they have beaten themselves up for years because of a choice they made so long ago. I also know they are GOOD women, good women that made a terrible choice. So many girls / women don’t realize they have other options. They might think that carrying a baby that’s the result of something as traumatic as a rape is too hard. They can’t see that this is a decision they must live with forever and answer for on judgment day. We are blessed enough to serve a forgiving God and He can see our hearts. I would venture to say simply asking God for forgiveness doesn’t offer instant peace in our own hearts and minds. Take a girl, scared to death, doesn’t know that there are other options, doesn’t realize how quickly the rest of her pregnancy will pass and she can place her child up for adoption so that child can be a blessing and grow up to make their parents proud one day, and just wants a quick fix to this situation she finds herself in; a sign that reads, “Good Women Have Abortions” could easily be that extra little shove she needs to make that life altering horrific decision. If they insist on this particular sign, maybe it should read, “Good Women Have Abortions, now brace yourself because you’re embarking on the worst nightmare of your life”, maybe then I wouldn’t feel as offended as I do now because the sign would be accurate! Yes, even good women have abortions, but I guarantee those good women would NOT be spokes people/advocates for the Pro-Choice or Pro-Abortion movement. Every decision we make comes with consequences and I do not think less of those that have seen this as their ONLY option when, in fact, there were other options. We all have times in our lives where we’re lost and confused; I have an issue with this sign because it is a bully. This sign targets the weak and hopeless all for the almighty dollar. Sick!

This clinic has not always been well known for performing abortions, even though that’s always been their line of work, they go by the name “Whole Woman’s Health of Beaumont”; very deceiving if you ask me. Their website is http://wholewomanshealth.com/ and you will find this at the top, “Whole Woman’s Health. Changing the World, One Woman at a Time.” Nice, huh?! Satan has come to steal, kill and destroy and the way he does that is through manipulation and pure deception.

The address of this clinic is:

440 N. 18^th Street Suite A

Beaumont, Texas 77707

I’m not giving out this information so that you will go egg or paintball their establishment and I’m certainly not giving it out so people will give them any positive feedback or, God forbid, business. I want people to be aware of this location because it might be an area of conviction for you and you might just pray over this place and each person that enters it, even their employees.

January 13, 2011 / BIG NEWS......

January 12, 2012 – Learning to Trust Again…..

By the time I got to my computer this morning and turned it on I wasn’t really geared up for reading devotionals; I’m so glad I went ahead and fought the urge to delete it! The title of this morning’s devotion was “Learning to Trust Again” and I felt it just might speak to me. Then Jesus said, “Did I not tell you that if you believe, you will see the glory of God?” John 11:40. This was the opening verse of my Proverbs 31 Ministries devotion and it was so fitting at this very moment.

I have been walking through the last few days in fear, sprinkled with a little bit of doubt. I am at a point where I know that God is bigger than life, I know that His plan will prevail no matter how much I worry about things and I know that He has a plan for my family. After Thomas passed away I felt an indescribable peace, one that only comes from Heaven, but I also had an unwanted grasp on the fact that MY plans will not ever be carried out, only God’s plans will be carried out and that leaves me feeling a tad bit helpless. I am a person that loves to hold the reins, I love to know how things will play out and when I cannot “fix” things it upsets me greatly; turning my life over to God in the literal sense is not easy for me. I struggle with this daily, I struggle with letting go of the things I have zero control over and saying, “okay God, do Your thing”. I have never felt betrayed by God, I have always recognized Thomas’ life as God’s will and a life that changed the lives of people I will never meet, I have questioned God’s reasoning but never doubted His love for me; it’s time for the ultimate test of my faith. Drum roll please……We are going to have another baby!

How I handle these next several months will show me where I am in my faith in God and here is why; I’M SCARED TO DEATH! I think it’s only natural that we have some serious reservations going into this pregnancy, but at the same time I have to rely on the same God that has gotten me so far in this past year, to get me through this season as well. It’s so easy for us to tell other’s “just trust in God, He has a plan for you”, “God doesn’t give us more than we can handle” and my least favorite of them all, “if God brings you to it, He will bring you through it”. I think people say these things for many reasons, but when you’re walking on the hot coals yourself, they’re less than comforting! I know that God has a plan, but this is how I think; God also had a plan for Thomas, what if he has that same plan for this baby? What if we get more bad news? What if I miscarry? What if this baby is born with severe handicapping conditions? What if, what if, what if! I know that all parents go through this to an extent, but when you’ve gone through something like we’ve gone through; it’s magnified to the point of intense discomfort. Aaron is surprisingly positive and overly excited; I’m surprisingly realistic, somewhat pessimistic and cautiously excited; our roles have reversed! I need to let go of the fears and just know that God has got this and He knows what is best for our lives; everything He does is based on His love for us. God does allow us to walk through the valley and then uses that for spiritual growth; I feel like I have grown and now I am ready for my mountaintop!

We have a few fun facts about this pregnancy:

• ·       I took the first test, that was FAINTLY positive, the day before Aaden’s birthday.
• ·       I had blood work done on Aaden’s birthday.
• ·       We received confirmation from Dr. Sherman the day after Aaden’s birthday.
• ·       We will be 19 weeks into this pregnancy on Thomas’ birthday, we found out at 19 weeks that Thomas was “incompatible with life”, that makes this a significant marker.
• ·       This baby is due the day after my birthday.

I can already see God’s hands all over this pregnancy and I am praying it all works out this time around! I am informing everyone so early because we NEED your prayers. There are some things that I want to ask that you specifically pray for where this pregnancy is concerned.

• ·       First and foremost, please pray for the health of this baby!!!
• ·       Please pray for mine and Aaron’s sanity and honestly, the sanity of our family and close friends.
• ·       Please pray for Dr. Sherman and her staff.
• ·       Please pray that we are able to rely on God throughout this entire 9 months and never lose faith in His purpose for our lives.
• ·       Please pray that we make all the right decisions where prenatal testing is concerned.

Thank you all for your ongoing support for the last year; there will be more to this story!

It's time for the one year anniversaries....here goes nothing.....

January 10, 2012 – Let the one year anniversaries begin…..

January 5, 2012 marked the one year anniversary of us finding out that our son was “incompatible with life”, it was the first time I was faced with the decision of “terminating a pregnancy” or allowing God full control of our situation, it was the one year anniversary of a life shattering event that, at that moment in time, I never saw even the tiniest light at the end of a dreadful death filled tunnel. I felt, without a doubt in my mind, that I would be sad for the rest of my life, I would cry every day for the rest of my life, I would hurt physically, because my emotional pain had turned to physical pain, for the rest of my life, I would have to rely on others to carry me through every single day for the rest of my life and ultimately I would have to put on a fake smile for the rest of my life and pretend that I wasn’t dying inside.  January 5, 2012 is the first of many anniversaries, and I think we handled it very well.

This day rolls around, January 10^th, and I couldn’t stop myself from reading my blog post from January 10, 2011 just to show myself how far I had come; without a doubt, one of the most refreshing things I’ve ever done. I woke up in the strangest fashion today, was walking around with a loaded pistol before 6:00 AM and had the cops at my door before 6:30. Without going into a ton of detail, I woke up to the sound of someone walking on my roof, in the pitch black, at 5:45, and in the rain; strange to say the least. We later found out, because he left his ladder on the side of my house, that it was a guy that had given us a quote on replacing a piece of siding; he felt 5:45, in the rain was the best time to stomp across someone’s roof, unannounced; I feel that’s also the best way to get shot! I am quite proud of myself for being able to load my gun and stand in fear in my entryway until Aaron got home from work; it’s progress in the world of self-defense! We live in a very safe neighborhood and I’m pleased to announce that it is still very safe, just not safe from idiot repairmen!

I have been looking forward to, and dreading this day for several weeks; my baby boy turned four! He has been very excited about this birthday, so excited that I had to make him a countdown chain so he would stop asking me every single morning if it was his birthday yet. Because of the not so bright repair man, Aaron ended up with the day off and we were able to wake the birthday boy up together; hated that my morning started out that way, but at least his daddy got to be a part of everything. He woke up in the best mood, couldn’t wait to start his day because he was now FOUR! I had filled the living room with balloons and decorations, batman themed of course, and when he saw all of it he just lit up! His first response was something along the lines of giving the “elf” credit for it; I quickly corrected him because that stupid elf got credit for all the other cool things that happened for a solid month, mommy was taking credit this time! Aaron cooked him the breakfast of his choosing, cinnamon rolls, and I was able to rush through getting myself ready because we were running extremely late; again, thank you vinyl siding repairman. Aaden came in the bathroom at one point and said, “I’m four now, I can’t see you anymore.” Um, ok. I of course started play crying and saying I didn’t want him to be four; he loves it when I tell him I want him to stay my baby because he can then argue with me that he has to grow up. As we headed to his school he says, “I’m going to miss you while we’re at school.” I knew it! He will always be my baby, no matter what!

I dropped him off at school with his handmade batman shirt on, thank you Jessica Leavins for that one, his Batman ribbon on that said, “Birthday Hero”, and his batman cupcakes that I butchered until 11:00 last night; he was proud of them and that’s all that matters. I stuck his Batman cape in his backpack just in case he felt the urge to take things to the extreme for the day. I love having one day each year that is truly about him!

In true Holly Bush fashion, I waited until the last minute to buy his birthday gift; I always assume that Toys R Us will just have exactly what I want, when I want it; I should really cut that out. He had his heart set on a Spiderman bike, a big kid one, and we were determined to get it for him. I had sent Aaron to the store last night to pick it up and they informed him that they only had the floor model left; sheesh! I had given him strict instructions not to purchase the floor model and now that’s all they have left. Long story short, he had to go back, on his surprise day off, and purchase the floor model so that the kid would be a happy birthday boy! The bike was a hit, he likes to just stand in the garage and look at it.

My sweet boy sleeping his last night as a 3 year old! 

This is him saying, "I'm four", which we heard all day long, as did perfect strangers!

Wrecking shop....

Is what this kid does best! 

King of the party at school! I'm so blessed to have a teacher that understands my need for pictures and she'll take them with my camera! Thanks Mrs. Brown, you ROCK! 

This is him saying, "there's a bike in there!"

My big kid with a goofy grin

This is how he spent the afternoon....

He's not praying....just checking on his light before heading to dinner

This is how he behaved while we sang to him....nice huh?!

I look terrible, but this is us! 

We capped the night off with a fabulous dinner with our family and a couple of close friends; what a lucky kid I have and we are some truly blessed parents. I have included my blog from exactly a year ago, if you have time on your hands and would like to see the way that God can pull you out of the pits of despair and dump you into a life filled with love and happiness, you should give it a read!

01-10-11 / Aaden’s 3^rd Birthday! JUST ONE SHORT YEAR AGO..........

Morning

Today is proof of the rollercoaster I am on. I was supposed to go back to work today and felt so good about it yesterday; woke up this morning on the downhill side of the horror of it all. It’s like yesterday was the part of a rollercoaster where you’re gliding along and actually enjoying yourself, you know, before your stomach is forced into your throat by the inevitable instant drop. Last night was the part where you’re slowing ticking up the highest incline you’ve ever been on, as you slowly reach the peak you’re full of anxiety about what’s in store. Today I’m on the part where you’ve lost all control of your own voice because you’re screaming like an idiot as you speed down the scariest, steepest drop of your life.

I woke up around 4ish this morning to go hug Aaron before he left for work, which I never do because I love my sleep and I’m too selfish to get up to tell him goodbye; things felt ok, not great but ok. I knew he was dreading going to work the same as I was and I was just glad I got to crawl back in bed for one more hour to snuggle up to my sweet birthday boy before having to really face the music. I got back up at 5:00 to begin my morning routine of getting ready for work and Aaden was having no part of it, he kept crying out and I’d have to go back in there to comfort him back to sleep. Then it hit me, I was going to have to walk out the door without Aaron right by my side, I was going to have to face people alone and I began to lose all control of myself. It never dawned on me that Aaron and I entering our separate worlds without each other would be yet another mountain to climb. The more I thought about it the more I realized that I physically could not face people without him, my body physically will not allow walk out of the house without a support system; what am I going to do? I don’t think we really realized how much we had been leaning on each other until today and I have completely lost my footing. The last time I went back in the room to get Aaden back to sleep he grabbed onto me like a baby monkey does to his mama and I just lost it. Today is supposed to be my favorite day of the year, the day I celebrate Aaden coming into our lives and changing us forever. Instead, I’m focusing on my own weakness and can’t seem to snap out of it. So I just held him nose to nose and made the wise decision that I wasn’t ready to return to work just yet. I text Judy letting her know that I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t even get half way through applying my makeup without sobbing and having to start all over. She told me that it was ok if I couldn’t do it today and that if I wanted to bring Aaden with me when I came back she and Mr. Smith both felt that was a good idea. My parents have both offered to go with me on my first day back too, now this is the true image of what I’ve become; like a kindergarten kid on her first day of school, not so strong. I can’t be thankful enough for my work family. I have a boss that loves me enough to allow me the time I need off and wants me to do whatever I need to do to make my first day back as easy as possible. I have coworkers that check on me daily and genuinely love me, I’ve never had this in a job before and I could never thank them enough for understanding and encouraging my absence until I’m ready to handle being back. So now that my boy has had to spend his birthday with a sad mommy I have had to ask my parents to come take us to Chuck E Cheese, my least favorite place on earth, so that he can have some real fun on his big day. I feel pathetic thinking I can’t even work up enough courage to take my favorite person in the whole world to do something fun without someone going with me. I long for this part to end. Now that he’s done cleaning his sister’s room that he destroyed this morning I will put on my happy face and get us both dressed for some much needed fun. Bless his heart; he thinks Santa’s coming to his house for his birthday; still not sure how to handle that one.

Evening

My parents finally got here and we were able to take Aaden to Chuck E Cheese where my mom bought him 95 coins and the guy at the counter decided to give him 10 bonus ones since it was his birthday; considering each thing takes one coin we can all conclude that he had far too many coins. There are so many little things I love about that kid, the main one being that he is who he is and what you see is what you get; I love his pure soul and outspoken nature that, at times, can bring some parental embarrassment. Another thing I love about him is that he’s cheap! I got so much pleasure out of watching him insist on sitting on one of the games, putting his coin in, spinning the steering wheel a few times then getting up to move on to the next game before he had even started the one he was sitting at. After watching him do this several times I knew that technically I could bring him into Chuck E Cheese and allow him to play on everything for free. He didn’t care about winning the game, for that matter he didn’t care about playing the game; he just wanted to touch all of it at least once. Our favorite thing to do as his parents is to just watch him in action. We love watching him when he doesn’t know he’s being watched; that trip to my least favorite place on earth turned my day around. He knows he’s the center of our world, he would climb to the very top of the play place and get to a window and yell, “hello” really loud, smiling so big and waving; he couldn’t see any of us but he knew one of us would be somewhere close enough to hear him and he wanted to make sure we were looking at him. Needless to say, there were coins to spare, 105 coins for one little boy is just a few too many.

As I’ve sat here and gone through some of my previous emails that I read while my brain was so hazy and some new ones too I’ve realized the magnitude of the situation I’m living in. Our family is loved by so many, some that know us and some we’ve never met. I had no idea that perfect strangers would be emailing us and offering condolences, love, support, prayers and even services. I had a lady email me from Tyler today that I’ve never met and never heard of, offering to set me up with a photographer from the Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep organization. If you’re not familiar with this organization, it’s a group of photographers with amazing hearts that offer free services to families in our situation. They will come to the hospital and photograph our first moments with him down to our last moments with him; this allows us to focus our everything on him. She then said if she wasn’t able to get that set up for me she would be honored to take the photographs herself; she’s not a photographer but she felt moved to offer that to my family. I don’t know that I would be so strong to offer something like that to a family I’ve never laid eyes on. I won’t need any of those services because my friend Lee-Ann wasted no time in emailing me saying she wanted to do this for us. Lee-Ann is a photographer that I met many years ago. I took Kamryn, for those that don’t know, she is my stepdaughter, to Sears for her 6-month pictures and Lee-Ann was the “picture girl” we had that day. She has since gone on to open up her own photography business called Through God’s Eyes Photography and I can’t think of a better label to be stamped on the first and last pictures of our little angel. I finally worked up the courage to talk to her about it today, and she will not only be at the hospital but she will photograph his memorial service as well. Anyone that knows me knows how I love my pictures, this is a gift that she could never put a price tag on; I offered to pay her and she simply won’t accept. Thank God I took Kamryn in for those pictures 4 years ago and thank God for Lee-Ann; this is one less thing I have to plan.

Many of the emails I get from friends and strangers alike point out that we serve a healing God; they are right. People keep pointing out that earthly physicians have so much knowledge and so much experience but the final say is always the Lord’s. I couldn’t agree more. We hesitate to pray for healing at this point and I want to share the reason why. We know that God can heal, if that is the desire of His heart; we are also aware that God’s will is what must be done here. This is my prayer; that God’s will is done and through that he will hold us in his arms like His little babies and comfort us. I feel that if I pray hours on end for healing I will begin to expect that my son will be healed, it’s only human nature. As humans we are very quick to take what we want to happen and call it God’s will instead of accepting God’s will and finding peace in His decisions for our lives. I don’t want to do that. As a mommy praying for healing over her child that is going to die, this would only give my human heart false hope of his survival. Instead, we have chosen to pray for God’s will and along with that pray that God will use our baby’s organs to allow him to live here on earth through someone else’s child as well as in heaven. As I was lying next to my birthday boy this morning, because he sleeps smack dab in the middle of Aaron and I, I could feel his heart pounding against me; my mind started running wild. What if I had never been given Aaden? What if he had been born with a heart defect that took his life from me and there were no parents out there willing to give life from their child that was destined to die? Then I started thinking of how maybe one day there will be a mom lying next to her birthday baby feeling my son’s heart pounding in her child’s chest; how wonderful would that be? I know that she would think of my baby boy every time she found joy in her baby. These are not easy thoughts to have but my thoughts nonetheless. If God sees fit to provide us with a medical miracle then you will be reading all about that too; I cannot even wrap my mind around the joy we will feel. If he doesn’t then we have taken this time to accept that our baby is not ours to keep. I pray that tomorrow is different; I pray that I’m able to get through my morning without sobbing and get myself to work. If I can’t make it tomorrow then I will continue to pray for these things until I am strong enough to walk out the door on my own to attend to my life.

What could have been the worst Christmas ever.....

December 27, 2011 – What could have been the worst Christmas ever……

I have one purpose in blogging about this Christmas and that is to say that not only was it NOT the worst Christmas I’ve ever had, it was the best Christmas I’ve ever had! So many times we like to focus long and hard on all we have lost when a holiday such as this one rolls around and I have to admit, it wasn’t hard at all for me to focus on what I have staring me in the face right here on this earth. Were there parts of this Season that were hard on me? Yes. Were there times I was tempted to sit and concentrate only on the fact that I should have an eight month old here with me, not the least bit interested in opening a gift, but very interested in eating the paper and tearing up the things his big brother and sister got? Yes! Did I spend time reflecting on what my life was like ONE SHORT YEAR AGO? YES! And still, all in all, this was the best Christmas of my life.

Last year, Aaron was of course working, and I had gone to Sneak a Peek earlier in the week to have an ultrasound done without him. I had Brandy put the gender results in a sealed envelope, I placed the envelope in a gift bag under the tree and Aaron and I got to open it together on Christmas morning to find out that we were having another son. I can remember how restless I was all night long waiting for him to get home from work so we would know what our baby was going to be. He had no idea I had such a surprise waiting for him and I was about to burst from suspense. That happy memory has not been overshadowed by the despair we have suffered; it is only sweeter because of the sadness that followed. 11 days after we found out we were having another boy, our world crumbled. We have been picking up the pieces ever since and we are doing OKAY. Most days I would tell you that we’re doing FANTASTIC! I do not want anyone to mistake this happiness for carelessness. We miss our son, we think of him and speak of him daily, we visit his resting place often, we share his story with anyone that will listen; but we have made the choice to trust in God and to believe that He has a purpose and a plan for us that is being carried out through this season of our lives.

So many times you hear people speak of a person that has passed away in this manner, “______ wouldn’t want me to be sad.” Sometimes I hear that and I think how corny it really sounds. I don’t want to knock it, because it’s true, but at the same time; is that really supposed to heal the deep pain that’s both emotional and physical?? I know that Thomas wouldn’t want me to be sad. I know that he would want a happy mommy. I also know that Thomas is in a far better place than I am and I am happy for that. I am selfish and I want my son here with me, but in reality, he’s far better off than any of us here on this earth. I want to be happy because I WANT TO BE HAPPY. I want to be a good mommy for my son here on earth. I want to teach him about God’s love and how He carried our entire family through this loss. I want him to always remind me that he’s a big brother and Thomas is his baby brother. I want to always be able to say, “I’ve done the best I can to protect Aaden from the heartache of losing his baby brother and while protecting his heart, I’ve helped him preserve precious memories of the brother that he only got to spend a few hours with.” I am not happy because “Thomas wouldn’t want me to be sad”, I am happy because God has placed joy in my heart and I am able to know that He has a plan for my family that is far bigger than I’m allowed to see at this point.

I think people expected me to mourn heavily during this Christmas season, but what is there to mourn? I have lost my child, I miss him with each passing moment, but I have to carry on. I have a son and a step daughter here that need me to pick myself up and give them a healthy and productive childhood filled with fantastic memories. This was the most magical Christmas with Aaden yet, and I know that God had a hand in that. I was too busy moving his elf each night, buying gifts, leaving surprise notes, cleaning up the elf’s mess, class Christmas party, his first Christmas program, booking a personal Santa and Mrs. Claus to pay him a visit with one very specific gift he had asked for, planning parties, trips to Kemah for breakfast with Santa and a day filled with riding rides, wrapping gifts, feeding reindeer, baking cookies and Jesus’ birthday cake, and staging snowy Santa footprints in my fireplace to sit around moping about what I have lost; look at all I HAVE.

I certainly hope all of you have had a wonderful Christmas and I pray that 2012 brings so much joy into my house that we’re plain sickening to be around!

Love you all!

Zack stole Woody's hat!

Woody was hiding from the rest of the gang.....

We had a rough day.....Santa had to intervene! 

The boy had some m&ms for breakfast! You only live once!

Having a wild party with the ladies! These were the only ladies in the toy box with clothes!

He was not happy about orange milk.....good thing we had another gallon!

not fun to clean up!

Can you see him?!?

he was upset about sharing his toys....go figure....

and he was very upset about being shot in the head.....

We both had pj day at school! This was a special day because I actually got to pick him up from school (which never happens) and then he got to spend the rest of the day with me at work with the big kids! 

This is a very special group with a very special teacher! We love Mrs. Brown!

Look who paid him a personal visit! 

We ran into a real reindeer at Kemah!

Daddy did this one.....but mommy had to clean it up!

sitting and watching a whole lot of nothing!

Santa sent Timon, Zazu and Pumbaa straight from the North Pole and they were playing a nice game of scrabble with Zack the elf!

"All Things Aaden" scrabble to be exact!

Aaden had to play too!

Grand Finale Day!

undies everywhere!

He had many giggles about this one....

The elf made him a special hat just in case he started missing him once he's gone....

He got to spend time hugging him goodbye.....there were BIG tears after this moment

trying to get reindeer food on the roof.....precious!

Aaden placed him here for Santa to find.....