The Little Journey of Baby Thomas: 2011

December 27, 2011 – What could have been the worst Christmas ever……

I have one purpose in blogging about this Christmas and that is to say that not only was it NOT the worst Christmas I’ve ever had, it was the best Christmas I’ve ever had! So many times we like to focus long and hard on all we have lost when a holiday such as this one rolls around and I have to admit, it wasn’t hard at all for me to focus on what I have staring me in the face right here on this earth. Were there parts of this Season that were hard on me? Yes. Were there times I was tempted to sit and concentrate only on the fact that I should have an eight month old here with me, not the least bit interested in opening a gift, but very interested in eating the paper and tearing up the things his big brother and sister got? Yes! Did I spend time reflecting on what my life was like ONE SHORT YEAR AGO? YES! And still, all in all, this was the best Christmas of my life.

Last year, Aaron was of course working, and I had gone to Sneak a Peek earlier in the week to have an ultrasound done without him. I had Brandy put the gender results in a sealed envelope, I placed the envelope in a gift bag under the tree and Aaron and I got to open it together on Christmas morning to find out that we were having another son. I can remember how restless I was all night long waiting for him to get home from work so we would know what our baby was going to be. He had no idea I had such a surprise waiting for him and I was about to burst from suspense. That happy memory has not been overshadowed by the despair we have suffered; it is only sweeter because of the sadness that followed. 11 days after we found out we were having another boy, our world crumbled. We have been picking up the pieces ever since and we are doing OKAY. Most days I would tell you that we’re doing FANTASTIC! I do not want anyone to mistake this happiness for carelessness. We miss our son, we think of him and speak of him daily, we visit his resting place often, we share his story with anyone that will listen; but we have made the choice to trust in God and to believe that He has a purpose and a plan for us that is being carried out through this season of our lives.

So many times you hear people speak of a person that has passed away in this manner, “______ wouldn’t want me to be sad.” Sometimes I hear that and I think how corny it really sounds. I don’t want to knock it, because it’s true, but at the same time; is that really supposed to heal the deep pain that’s both emotional and physical?? I know that Thomas wouldn’t want me to be sad. I know that he would want a happy mommy. I also know that Thomas is in a far better place than I am and I am happy for that. I am selfish and I want my son here with me, but in reality, he’s far better off than any of us here on this earth. I want to be happy because I WANT TO BE HAPPY. I want to be a good mommy for my son here on earth. I want to teach him about God’s love and how He carried our entire family through this loss. I want him to always remind me that he’s a big brother and Thomas is his baby brother. I want to always be able to say, “I’ve done the best I can to protect Aaden from the heartache of losing his baby brother and while protecting his heart, I’ve helped him preserve precious memories of the brother that he only got to spend a few hours with.” I am not happy because “Thomas wouldn’t want me to be sad”, I am happy because God has placed joy in my heart and I am able to know that He has a plan for my family that is far bigger than I’m allowed to see at this point.

I think people expected me to mourn heavily during this Christmas season, but what is there to mourn? I have lost my child, I miss him with each passing moment, but I have to carry on. I have a son and a step daughter here that need me to pick myself up and give them a healthy and productive childhood filled with fantastic memories. This was the most magical Christmas with Aaden yet, and I know that God had a hand in that. I was too busy moving his elf each night, buying gifts, leaving surprise notes, cleaning up the elf’s mess, class Christmas party, his first Christmas program, booking a personal Santa and Mrs. Claus to pay him a visit with one very specific gift he had asked for, planning parties, trips to Kemah for breakfast with Santa and a day filled with riding rides, wrapping gifts, feeding reindeer, baking cookies and Jesus’ birthday cake, and staging snowy Santa footprints in my fireplace to sit around moping about what I have lost; look at all I HAVE.

I certainly hope all of you have had a wonderful Christmas and I pray that 2012 brings so much joy into my house that we’re plain sickening to be around!

Love you all!

Zack stole Woody's hat!

Woody was hiding from the rest of the gang.....

We had a rough day.....Santa had to intervene!

The boy had some m&ms for breakfast! You only live once!

Having a wild party with the ladies! These were the only ladies in the toy box with clothes!

He was not happy about orange milk.....good thing we had another gallon!

not fun to clean up!

Can you see him?!?

he was upset about sharing his toys....go figure....

and he was very upset about being shot in the head.....

We both had pj day at school! This was a special day because I actually got to pick him up from school (which never happens) and then he got to spend the rest of the day with me at work with the big kids!