Feeling like the worst mommy alive right about now…..

February 20, 2012 – Feeling like the worst mommy alive right about now…..

I haven’t written much lately because I don’t have many positive and encouraging things to say. I am feeling extremely worn down and defeated. Most days I don’t know if I’m coming or going and the little saying, “I’d lose my head if it wasn’t attached”, is an understatement. Laundry is piling up, dishes seem to dirty themselves, the floors need mopping, the bathrooms should probably just be gutted and redone, the dogs need bathing, the sheets need washing, and most importantly, Aaden needs more of me than I’m able to give at this point; defeat at its best. I don’t seem to have it in me to do what needs to be done and I’m becoming discouraged. This pregnancy has been the hardest of my 3 so far, emotionally and physically. I am sicker than I’ve ever been, and if you saw me through my pregnancies with the boys, this means a lot. I have no energy because the constant nausea and occasional vomiting wears me out. I’m well aware that these are all “typical” pregnancy woes that many women experience, the cherry on top of this is, I don’t even know if this baby is okay. I know the comments I will get on this one: God is in control, hand your concerns over to God, don’t even speak of this baby being sick, only speak positive things, everything is going to be fine, on and on and on; I know you all mean well, but those words are not comforting. God was in control with Thomas and His plan was to take him; who am I to assume He has different plans with this baby? Because I am so sick and worn down, I can’t take the time out that I need to with Aaden. He is used to a different life than I’m able to provide at this point. He cries when he knows his daddy has to work because that means he’s stuck at home with me; I can’t say I blame him. I’m falling down on the job. Every single day he asks me if my tummy is feeling better and I can’t say yes because it’s not. We still haven’t told the kids that I’m pregnant because I want to be able to tell them, from the start, whether or not this baby will get to come home. I can’t fill them up with hope of a sibling just to rip it away from them again; until then, Aaden will just have to think I’ve come across the worst stomach bug in circulation.

We have an ultrasound coming up on March 9^th that will determine if this baby has Anencephaly or not and I’m an uncontrollable ball of nerves. I have played through each scenario in my head a million times, I do it daily; trust me, I don’t want to beat myself up like this, I can’t seem to help it. I have tried to imagine how I will feel if they say, EVERYTHING LOOKS GOOD; what will my reaction be?? Will I cry? Will I scream? Will I lay there in disbelief? Will I immediately start texting people? Will I keep the good news to myself because I’m too scared to celebrate? I don’t know how I will feel; I hope I feel nothing but pure relief and joy. I have also tried to imagine how I will feel if they say the words I dread hearing and I always fall apart. I try to determine whether or not it will hit me in the same raw fashion that it did with Thomas or if my lack of blissful ignorance will soften the blow. Is it easier to hear it for a 2^nd time than it was the first time when I still lived in the “that will never happen to me” world?!? I’m half way expecting it so it should be easier to accept, right? Doubtful!

Aaron and I could use your prayers right now! I think this one has gotten the best of us both. I am trying to remain positive and in touch with the fact that this is all out of my hands, but that’s far easier said than done!

In Response to Brooke......

February 20, 2012 – In Response to Brooke…..

My last blog about abortion struck a cord with a girl named Brooke. I have no idea who Brooke is, not sure if we have ever met, but she is clearly very angry. Brooke, I am sorry that my blog angered you to this point and I wanted to let you know why I never approved your comment to be posted in the “comments” portion of my blog. I did not write what I did to stir up a battle about women’s rights. I did not write what I did to anger perfect strangers. I certainly did not write what I did to make myself out to be better than, more Christian than or more righteous that any other woman out there. I wrote it because of that aftermath that you speak of in your comment. This is the comment that you, Brooke, left for me on my blog and I felt the need to share it and address it with you. I tried to find a way to contact you via email or something more personal but because you only included your first name and I couldn’t find your blogger account that I could reach out through; I figured this was the only way.

“You are right...you haven't been raped or molested by a relative, so you have no way of knowing how that feels. To make it out that those girls/women need to be strong and deliver a baby conceived in hate and that by doing this, it will be a wonderful experience, is just wrong. If you feel so moved by their plight, as well as praying, why don't you go and help out those women who you have deemed it necessary to carry a child that they do not want. Oh and pay for the upbringing of this child too. And if you read the statistics, you would know that most women who really don't want their child, but are pushed into for whatever reason, do not give up their child for adoption. Instead, the child grows up in poverty (because lets face it, it is the poor and uneducated that mostly use the services you speak of), unloved, unwanted and in foster care. Why don't you put your thoughts into action and foster a child that is living in less than ideal conditions? A child whose mother did exactly what you wanted her to do. I know, it's all about the baby being born, not about the aftermath. That's what gets me about the whole Pro-Life movement. The child needs to be born, no matter what, but WHO is there after, to provide love, shelter, food and an education. I will tell you....NO ONE!! Definitely not the pro-life centers that feed misinformation to those who are already uneducated and unable to tell the difference between fact and fiction. You are a woman. How do you have the right to tell another woman what they can or can not do with their own body? It just astounds me. I am not justifying the use of abortion as a means of birth-control, as I realize some use it for that reason. But we, as women, should have the right, no matter if it sits well with your religious beliefs or not, to do what is best for ourselves. That is the reason why this country is great....the basic right of freedom of choice. Do you watch the TV and see what happens in countries where women have no (or little) rights?? Taking away OUR right to choose what is best for our body (and life) is akin to going back to the dark ages. What would be next? Maybe women shouldn't vote, because after-all, we are hormonal, emotional creatures who can't think clearly at times. Maybe women shouldn't go to school and get educated because the best place for a woman is at home. Period. I am sorry for what happened to your sweet baby. I respect your choice to do what was right for you. How would you feel if we lived in a society where the doctors had the right to decide which unborn babies lived or died? Would you have liked that choice to be out of your hands? That is what you are asking of other women. Think about that for a moment. Please.”

I would first like to say that I never once said I haven’t been raped or molested by a relative, what I said was that I never had to carry a baby as a product of either of those heinous acts of violence. That’s as far as I choose to take that. I don’t feel that my blog was judgmental at all; my heart bleeds for women that find themselves in this particular position. I actually spoke directly to the fact that these women are haunted for the rest of their lives for this decision. There was a debate taking place on my Facebook page about this very topic and someone brought up the fact that making them face a baby from a rape was like violating them all over again; I just don’t see it that way. Why do they have to face the baby? Why would they ever have to lay eyes on that baby? To me, based off of the encounters I have had with several different women who have chosen abortion, the act of aborting their child is the ultimate violation and they brought it on themselves. These are not things I have made up on my own based off my stance on abortion; these are things that have been shared with me, in confidence, by women who have lived the nightmare of it all. For me, it’s not just about the child needing to be born; it’s also about the mom being able to live in peace with her own thoughts.

You lashed out stating that I need to become a foster parent, I need to provide food and shelter for these kids and so forth. Becoming a foster parent is not something that people should ever jump up and just decide to do. I would love to be a foster parent. My husband and I have discussed it time and time again. I not only want to be a foster parent, I long to be a temporary home; in other words, I do not have the desire to keep the child, I have the desire to be that middle person that nurtures a child while their mom and/or dad get their feet grounded. To be an active part of reuniting a child with stable parents is a dream of mine. I do not feel it’s my job to feed every poor family out there, that might sound harsh but it’s the truth. If I see a true need, I’m more than happy to meet it. I do not think being “poor and uneducated” buys you a ticket to free food, shelter and a 24/7 nanny to take care of this baby that you didn’t want, but some radical pro-life activist talked you into having instead of killing. Raising a child is hard. My husband and I are far from poor, we are both educated and both have wonderful careers. Neither of us were handed those things, we worked for them. That having been said, it’s often times very hard on us to be parents so I can only imagine what it’s like having less financial resources than we do. When we can help people less fortunate, we do it! I also know that there are resources out there for these “poor and uneducated” women; and let’s be honest, if they don’t want their baby, somebody out there does!

I never said anything about making abortion illegal. I never said anything about stripping the rights of women. I never said anything about “religion”, I did, however, make mention of a forgiving and loving God. I never said that women are too dumb or emotional to make choices for themselves. I did not say women should not vote and their place is in the kitchen. What I said is that a sign that reads, “Good Women Have Abortions”, is offensive. I said that abortion is wrong. I also said there ARE good women that have had abortions and have had to live with the regret of that choice. That is my stance on it and nothing will change that. You apologized for what happened to my “sweet baby” and I thank you for that. I am not sorry for the life that Thomas lived, it was his destiny, and he lived it to the fullest. Thomas touched more people in his 3 short days than any of us ever will; had I chosen to abort my son, so many lives would have missed out on God’s love and mercy. You might not see it that way, but from my seat, that’s the way it is! If you read back from the days of his little life, you will see that those 3 days were filled with joy and heartache; the HARDEST days of my life. I don’t think I have ever made mention, especially in my post about abortion, that it will be nothing but a “wonderful experience”; matter of fact, from January 6, 2011 until now, my writings have expressed the exact opposite. What makes it an easier road, I live with zero regret.

I do not judge others, as I am not guilt free. I have a heart that loves and tends to love those in need; be it an unborn child, or a confused mother that doesn’t know what to do with her unborn child. Please do not jump to conclusions about my character, as I do not do that to others.