The love of a perfect stranger....

September 29, 2011 / The love of a perfect stranger.....

5 months ago I gave birth to the most amazing tiny blessing to ever take a breath on this earth! It doesn’t seem like he would be 5 months old already! I can’t help but think of all the things he would be doing and how he might be interacting with his big brother. I have spent much of this day in tears and making a deliberate effort to drag myself out of a state of uncontrollable sadness. As I write this, it’s around 9:40pm and 5 months ago at this point in the evening we were spending the last of some of Thomas’ best moments with him. His life became a struggle from that point on. There are days where every single memory comes flooding in and completely takes over my ability to be happy; that was today! I faked a smile all day long and when I didn’t have to face people I sat in my room dabbing tears off of my face, making sure not to rub because I didn’t want people to know I had been crying. I absolutely hate days like this!!

As I got in my car to head home from work, the lovely 40 minute drive, rain began to dump on my windshield; I say dump because it wasn’t just pouring, it was literally like buckets were over my car dumping rain on me! Along with that rain came quarter size hail, fantastic! I pulled over on the side of the road to sit this one out; after all, hail is less harmful if you’re sitting still. I finally decided to just go for it and head home, I had a 4:00 hair appointment calling my name! Nothing makes a bad day better like a new head of hair and I was really excited about it; I wasn’t going to let a hailstorm stop me! On the way there I received a text from Aaron letting me know that someone had stolen the lantern off of Thomas’ spot! I wanted to scream. No matter where your child is physically located, they’re still your child; I honestly wanted to cause bodily harm to the idiot that had the nerve to rob my baby. This was turning into one of those days where I should have just stayed in bed.

After getting my hair done, which was amazing by the way, I logged into my Facebook account to find an email from a perfect stranger; I still receive these here and there but they’re becoming less frequent. I somewhat scanned the email but then got wrapped up in dinner and watching Alice in Wonderland with my boy; when I got back to it I discovered that it was meant to come to me on this very day. This sweet girl had the kindest words to offer me and also included a link to a Facebook page that contained a picture she wanted me to look at.

This is a site that a girl in Hawaii started after her baby girl was born sleeping. She takes “orders” on Sundays and goes out on their beautiful beaches to write the names of those angel babies! How awesome is that?!? The sweet girl that emailed me placed an order for my Thomas and it was posted today, on his 5-month birthday! I LOVE IT!

Perfect strangers that take the time to contact people that are hurting are angels on earth. Thank you to all of you that have helped me through days like this, from my best friends to those I will never meet!

Turning the Why into What....

September 15, 2011

Turning the Why into What…..

As I was reading my devotion this morning I realized that Lysa TerKeurst was in my head, reading my thoughts! I love reading the Proverbs 31 Ministries devotions as they’re geared toward women and how we might manage our lives. They’re also short, sweet and to the point because the women writing them have insight into the busy lives we lead as moms; they realize spare time isn’t always lying around.

This has been a rough week for me and I wish I could share with you why it has been so rough; I don’t even have that answer. I have spent a ton of time in tears and when I’m not in tears, I’m fighting them off. I have made several trips to see my Thomas; another perk of working in Bridge City and having to drive to Orange to pick Aaden up after work. These visits are normally uplifting and joyful but this week they seem to have stirred up the “why me” storm once again. I don’t know that I’ve actually said the words, “why me”, but I strongly believe they’re lurking in the back of my mind. In my devotion this morning the words, “It’s so tempting to wallow in the why. Asking why is perfectly normal. Asking why isn’t unspiritual. However, if asking why pushes us farther from God rather than drawing us closer to Him, it is the wrong question”, jumped out of my computer screen on slapped me in the face! I try not to ask “why me”, but it’s so natural. It’s so easy to look at all that I have lost this year and wallow in the misery of “why me”. Most days I make the decision not to wallow in the “why” but to focus on happier things; this week has gotten the best of me. I wanted to share what I read this morning so that those of you that struggle with this as well could see things from a different perspective and stop asking “why” and start asking “what”.
Lysa shared that when we ask “why” so often and don’t get the desired response we travel to a place of resentment, bitterness and move further away from God. She likened it to parking our minds in an unhealthy location; in a location that allows hurt feelings to arise and in essence we begin to feel sorry for ourselves.  When we ask “what” instead, this allows us to pave the road to parking our minds in a much happier, healthier and all around better place. Here are some examples that Lysa provided of some “what” questions to ask yourself:

·         This is my reality, now what am I going to do with it? (this one is VERY important)

·         What can I learn from this?

·         What part of this is for my protection?

·         What other opportunities could God be providing?

·         What maturity could God be building into me?

For those of you that have suffered the same loss as Aaron and I have, this might seem frustrating. It feels good to ask “why” because we feel entitled to an answer to that particular question. The raw truth is this; it’s not our place to know “why”, it’s none of our business “why” we were chosen and not the crack addicted woman that keeps having healthy babies and taking them for granted. Let me ask this; if you knew the answer to that question, would it change anything? Would it bring your baby back? Would you feel more peace about losing your child if you could just know “why”? When I truly thought about that, the answer came to me in the form of a resounding NO. It would not change one single thing, I still wouldn’t have my baby boy, I would still feel a pain that no parent should have to suffer through and the reality is; I probably wouldn’t like the answer to my “why” question and that would simply cause more anger and frustration.
My human nature wants to ask “why” but I will try to focus on the “what” questions from now on.

I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through Him who gives me strength.  Philippians 4:11-13

August 28, 2011 – Winding down from the first week back to school…..

Well, the new beginnings started this week and for the most part things went really well! I happen to really like my new job, I’m not to the point of loving it yet, but that will come. I miss my friends in West Orange but I sill get to see most of them quite often so I’ll survive. I am learning the ins and outs of my new district and I have to say I feel confident that I will adjust with very little effort. It seems I have fallen into a job with wonderful co-workers that are willing to help me out when I ask and best of all; I eat lunch for free!!

I have found myself in an odd position concerning Thomas; do I share him with these people or do I keep him to myself?? I think we all know my answer to this one; I share him with anyone that wants to listen. I have pictures of him in my room and I know the topic of him will come up in due time. I have brought him up to a few people already and it feels good to get it off my chest. I have struggled with how to answer the question, “how many kids do you have?” It’s very hard to read people; you never know if they will be excessively uncomfortable at the mention of a child that has passed away or if they will welcome conversations about them. I was in the front office the other day and someone asked me how many kids I had and in that moment of truth I said, “I have two boys, one is 3 ½ years old and my youngest son passed away on May 1^st”. I was trying to make eye contact with people in the room to read their reactions while attempting to remain assertive but loving at the same time. I don’t like crying in front of people I know, much less strangers. I was shocked at the warm responses I received! They all sat there listening to our story and when I offered my blog site to one of the ladies standing there, another lady asked if I would write it down for her. What a relief, I’ve made the first step in letting my new co-workers in on a little piece of who I am now.

I really wish I could report such a happy beginning for my boy at his new school, but his week didn’t go so well. He was so very excited about starting his first day of school and I was so proud of how “grown up” he appeared to be; it’s not easy changing schools. I woke him up delicately, he’s just like me, hates mornings! I went in, scooped him up in a blanket and turned on his favorite cartoons while I rocked him until he woke up. When he finally opened his eyes I asked him if he was ready to go to school and he said he was; whew! I fixed his favorite breakfast and sat with him while we both ate. I had to wake up over an hour before I would normally be up just to ensure that this day went just right for him. I took plenty of pictures of a smiling face that was eager to meet new friends at his new school and off we went. As we were driving to Bridge City I noticed he was staring out the window so of course I asked him if everything was ok; his response was, “I’m just looking for my new school”. I was so excited that he was really ready to make this leap in life. His first day went so well; he really seemed to love it. Day two; not so much. I will simply say, it’s amazing that this mommy was able to keep the ugly side under wraps. He will not be going back to that school, ever again!! Our good friend helped us out for the rest of last week and he is now back in Presbyterian Day School in West Orange. I never should have pulled him but I really didn’t want to drive from Beaumont to Orange to drop him off and then head to work in Bridge City only to go back to Orange to pick him back up before being able to head back to Beaumont. I would drive all over the Golden Triangle at this point to make sure I never pick my baby boy up in that state again! He can’t wait to start his “green school” this week!

On to the weekend……

We made a snap decision, along with our really good friends, to head to the lake for the weekend!! Best thing we could have done after the first week back to work; it was relaxing, exciting and an all out blast. I’m so glad we decided to go. I have to say I’ve never been so happy to wake up at the crack of dawn. We didn’t get to the lake house until really late Friday evening and the boys were high on life. They were so excited to be there and they were not having any part of going to sleep so we all partied until around midnight when us old folks couldn’t take it any longer. Saturday morning my sweet boy woke me up with the best words. I was sound asleep when I hear him not so much saying, but singing, “I’m smiling at you”. I checked the time and it was only 7:00; we do not wake up at 7:00 on Saturday mornings in the Bush house so I sweetly told him to go back to sleep. He honored my request for about 30 more minutes when I hear, “I fink the sun is on, I need to go swim in the lake”. I couldn’t be mad, I have to say his excitement made all the difference in the world. We have spent the last 2 days on boats, jet skiis and lounging in the water with people we truly cherish. We were able to just exist for the entire weekend and it was much needed. I really feel refreshed and ready to take on the school year; I wouldn’t be mad if we did that every weekend!

I am blessed beyond measure. I have an amazing family and the best friends I could ask for. We are surrounded by people that love our family and we love them just as much. The only bad thing to come of the weekend; my nice set of raccoon eyes and a fantastic burn that’s causing an incredible amount of discomfort!

I want to close this blog asking for prayers for a friend of mine. She’s a person that Thomas has brought into my life and I’m so proud to “know” her; even if only through FB. She is currently pregnant with her 2^nd anencephalic baby and is only 34 weeks. She found out last week that her fluid levels are dangerously high and she will have to be induced in the morning. She weighs heavy on my heart and mind daily. There’s a bond there that can’t be described; I just love my fellow anencephaly mommies. She has handled what God has given her with grace and dignity. She has carried out His tough and what seems unfair will twice now. I would ask that all of you pray; pray for comfort, peace, words to offer her older children, strength for her and her husband and most importantly that her Lily be born alive and she get to spend some time with her angel before she leaves this earth. She KNOWS what’s in store; that doesn’t make it any easier, it might, in fact, make it far more difficult. I may never meet Allison Johnson, but she will forever be in my heart.

August 3, 2011 / Good Times…..New Beginnings…..Big News…..

August 3, 2011 / Good Times…..New Beginnings…..Big News…..

Aaron and I just returned from an amazing weekend away! We have never had the opportunity to get away for so long; just the two of us. We don’t normally splurge on “just us” but after the year we just had we figured it was due time for a bit of splurging. We didn’t go far, only to Gulf Shores, Alabama; it was far enough and the perfect place for a simple get away. We had the most incredible weather and the best time just laughing together; something we haven’t done much of since January 5^th. We tried to experience the things that we wouldn’t have been able to if we had brought the kids with us because we aren’t sure when a trip like this might happen again. Our first outing was Parasailing!!! If you haven’t done this, do it! If you’re not interested in it, get interested!! That was the most peaceful thing I’ve ever done. We chose the 1000 foot flight and I was a tad nervous that we might be taking things a bit too far. Turns out, I wouldn’t have it any other way and if there is an option of going even higher, I’d opt for that! Once we were up there we couldn’t hear anything except each other talking, it was so quiet and the view was amazing! The next adventure we decided to embark on was Jet Skiing with the Dolphins; yet another grand idea!!! This particular outing is a 2 hour guided Jet Ski tour; with or without dolphin sightings, it would be incredible! Once we got out there we did, in fact, get to see many dolphins at close range. It took us a while to find them but once we did I felt like a little kid at Christmas; I love dolphins!! The interesting part of this trip is riding the waves on the back of a Jet Ski driven by my husband! He managed to tump us within the first 20 minutes and I have bruises all over my left leg. I spent the majority of our trip airborne and hanging onto his vest for dear life; a blast was had by all, us AND the onlookers! The freedom of being able to just pick up and go felt amazing! I wouldn’t trade Aaden for the world, but it was nice to have a weekend that was just about Aaron and myself. I think we both feel that this vacation was the start of our new beginnings.

Getting ready to parasail

Classic Gulf Shores picture spot

before the dunk

after

Yesterday was a HUGE day for us! Pretty much since the birth of Thomas we have been wanting to find a way to make things “new” for our family. Ways to get out of things that will constantly remind us of our recent pain. One of these “things” is our house. This house holds so many precious and happy memories so we can’t say it only reminds us of pain, but ultimately, it’s a happy place with some severe trauma mixed in. This is the home we bought in preparation for Aaden’s arrival. This is the home we poured blood sweat and tears into over the last 4 years to get it just right. This is the home that we have made every single family memory in; unfortunately, one of those memories is a huge source of discomfort and gut wrenching pain. We have been talking about selling our house and buying a new one, we just weren’t really sure where. Well, yesterday marked the day that the official decision was made!

As many of you know, I will be leaving my job at West Orange. This decision did not come without a ton of prayer, consideration and long talks with Aaron. I will now be working for Bridge City ISD as their Speech Therapist at the intermediate school and I couldn’t be happier about it. I did not go looking for this job, I did not have my resume out there; this job came to me at the SPAR water park of all places. It was there that I met the Special Education Director of Bridge City and we began talking about a few students that would be moving to her district in the upcoming year. Long story short, she somewhat asked me if I was happy where I was and began sharing with me what my duties and responsibilities would be if I came to work for her. Over the course of a couple of weeks, decisions were made, contracts were signed and I had to say goodbye to a place that meant the world to me. I was very happy at West Orange and I truly don’t feel I would have ever pursued employment elsewhere. Each person at WOSE played a major role in getting me through my journey this year. Those people are my family; they love Aaron, Aaden and myself like we’re all from the same bloodline. There is one little thing I had been agonizing over since we first found out about Thomas; how would I share it with the kids at work? I am the Speech Therapist, so every kid in that school sees me at some point throughout the day; not necessarily as their Therapist, but they see me picking up kids from their classes. Each child knew that I was expecting. My 43 kids knew I was leaving on April 28^th to have a baby; none of them knew he wouldn’t survive. I had severe anxiety about answering to my kids. How was I supposed to explain to little children that my baby had passed away? I even thought that maybe I could just say, “he’s perfect” or “he’s just fine” and leave it at that, but these kids wouldn’t take that for an answer. They would want to see ongoing pictures of him, they would want updates, they love me and long to be a part of a family; even if it’s their Speech Therapists family. When I was approached about this job at Bridge City I saw it as my “burning bush”, it was an opportunity to start fresh and it was being dumped in my lap. I felt it was God’s will and His answer to a prayer that I hadn’t even prayed.

From this decision came more decisions, like where we would live. Since I am taking this job, Aaden will attend school there and it simply makes sense that we would live there. As many of you know, Hurricane Ike destroyed Bridge City; homes were completely under water and people are still rebuilding their lives 3 years later. This is super scary for a person that is looking to buy in this community! So, let’s just say, tons of thought went into the selection of the area we would buy in and it’s not in the heart of Bridge City but it’s in a fabulous location. We were driving around one day looking at properties that were for sale and we stumbled on an amazing piece of land. We have never considered it an option to build; we almost got divorced while simply remodeling so we figured building wasn’t an option. This land changed our minds completely. For starters, it’s a corner lot and two lots down from a cul-de-sac; two of the items on my “want list”. The other plus is, it’s 1.23 acres of land that’s already been cleared and 100 loads of dirt have already been brought in to build up the property!! Anyone that knows me might be laughing at the thought of me living on that much land because I’m a “city girl” at heart, but this property feels right! Aaden will love having so much space to play and Aaron can finally have an excuse to buy a fancy lawnmower; it’s a win win for everyone! Yesterday was the day. We went to the bank and finalized loan paperwork for our land and we should close on September 8^th, if not sooner!! Once we got that taken care of I decided to get a tattoo. I have one other tattoo that has absolutely no meaning but lots of fun memories attached to it, but this tattoo would mean something. I got one little angel wing on my foot as a constant visible reminder of my angel boy! Some might find tattoos tacky but I happen to love them and I have to say I don’t think I’ll ever regret this one; even when I’m old and wrinkled! It will always be a memorial for my baby boy.

Aaron drew my tattoo based off of a pendant I have on my Thomas necklace

Happy before the pain begins!

Flipper at Flipper's Skin Flix is an all around amazing guy!!

I LOVE IT!

On to the Big News!!! This isn’t MY big news but it’s very close to my heart! Remember my sweet nurse, Lanie?? She has been on quite the journey herself in pursuit of beginning the completion of her family. She and her husband decided to adopt a child from Korea and initially wanted an infant; their minds were changed in an instant. I think it was in October of 2010 they were sent a picture of a toddler; they fell in love. They knew he was their child and if you saw a picture of him you would know why. You can see his soul in his sweet face; may sound strange to some but it’s true. My sweet friends have been waiting since October for the arrival of their precious Andy and he arrived Monday, August 1, 2011. I have spent hours staring at his pictures. When I see him I can’t help but get teary eyed because I know what a blessing he is to them and what a huge blessing they are to him. I light up when I see her name flash across my phone because I know it’s either another picture of him or an update of how his transition is going. There are several reasons why Andy is so important to me, but the main one is that he brought happiness during my lowest time. As I was traveling my very sad and depressing journey, I also got to travel their journey of hope. Lanie got me through each doctor visit. Lanie was the ONLY person that could find Thomas’ heart tones. Lanie responded to every single late night text from Aaron or myself concerning my physical and mental health. She is like my sister and my entire family is eternally grateful for her strategic placement in our lives. I couldn’t be happier for her and Peter. They are two of the kindest people I know and so deserving of this opportunity to raise such a beautiful little boy.

Clearly, terrific things are happening in our lives. Thank you, God, for bringing Thomas into our lives. That little blessing makes the sweet taste sweeter!

July 26, 2011 / "He's my little bud"

July 26, 2011 / MY Boys…..

I’ve had so many people ask me about Aaden; I think most people are just curious about a 3 year old’s ability to process what is happening in his life. I would be lying if I said this wasn’t on the top of my list of things to worry about as Thomas’ birth approached. This entire situation is “on the job training”, not one single person can tell you exactly how to handle things that are thrown at you; you just truly have to commit to the job and hold on tight.

Things with Aaden have certainly been touch and go. For the most part he really doesn’t “get it” and for that, I’m grateful. All he knows of his brother is love and one thing is for sure; he loves his baby brudder. My sweet friend Nan left a special gift for Thomas one day, it’s honestly not any more special than the other gifts that have been left except for what came after. I visited my sweet Thomas one day and had to giggle when I walked up to his spot (I cannot bring myself to call it a grave, not even if my life depended on it) and I saw that someone had left a single marble; I was on the phone with Aaron and we both had a good laugh about it. I honestly thought my niece had done it because we were out there the day before and she was distraught that she was the only one that hadn’t brought anything for Thomas. She was so distraught that she walked the cemetery until she found something to give him. She came running up to me saying, “I got this for Thomas!” and when I asked her what it was she said, “I don’t know!”; cute part is, it was a piece of weed eater string that had been discarded by the yard guys. Did we put it on his spot? Yes we did. Anyhow, after that fiasco I really thought my sister had brought her back out there to leave something else but I was wrong. I later found out that Nan’s father, who is buried near Thomas, had a birthday and she was going to pay him a visit. She apparently started frantically searching her house, a house with no small children or grandchildren, for something to bring to Thomas; she found a marble! I love that marble because of where it came from. I love that Nan loves my baby enough to take the time to find something special to bring him. I love how she said she would bring more out there later so Thomas could share with Aaden. About a week ago I was able to bring Aaden out to the cemetery and I told him that I thought Thomas had something for him; he was beside himself! When we got out there he immediately said, “wow, look at the marbles!” Perfect! I said, I bet Thomas would want you to have one of those; in true brother form, he helped himself to two of them and left only one for Thomas. I told him to hang onto those marbles because they are a precious gift from his brother and he promised he would; he was so proud. We loaded up in the car and guess what?! He dropped a marble! He immediately started crying and yelling at me to find it, poor guy. I wasn’t able to find it but he held onto that orange marble for the rest of the day; he kept it safe just like I asked him to. When he brought it to me that night it was warm from being in his pocket all day long and he said, “here mommy, put this somewhere safe”. It sits on his shelf with his model cars and piggy banks; he loves showing it off.

After that trip out there I started thinking it might be a good idea to start having him share with Thomas as well; some of you might find this odd, but, like I said, on the job training here! I talked it over with him this morning and asked him how he felt about taking something to Thomas since Thomas had shared his marbles with him. He wasn’t terribly crazy about taking one of his toys to leave out there but I eventually convinced him that it was only fair since he had gotten to bring home something that was Thomas’. He carefully selected a green car from his giant box of cars and said he wanted to bring that one to his brother; so we did. He and I spent some time out there and he slammed the car on the bear and said, “I don’t think I want to leave it here”. I told him that we would pick a different toy to bring next week and when we make it back out there he could bring the green car back home; that seemed to make him happy. As we were leaving he told Thomas goodbye and that he loved him and we began chatting about him on the way back to the car. We got about half way there and had really stopped talking when I heard him say, “he’s my little bud”. I asked him if he was talking about Thomas and he said, “yep, he’s my buddy.”

I don’t know if I’m doing things right or not. I don’t know if I’m setting him up for more sadness or if I’m providing him something tangible for an abstract situation. I don’t know when he will fully get it and I certainly don’t know how I will handle it when that day comes. One thing I do know is that my boys love each other. I know that I’m raising an amazing child that knows where love comes from. He doesn’t love Thomas because he’s a good boy, he doesn’t love him because he does things for him, he doesn’t love him for any reason other than; he just loves him!

I am a proud mommy of two boys; one is an angel and the other can act like the devil but has a heart that continues to amaze me. Thank you God for my babies!

July 18, 2011 / Some ask me how I do it…….

July 18, 2011 / Some ask me how I do it…….

“This is what the Lord says: Cursed are those who put their trust in mere humans, who rely on human strength and turn their heads away from the Lord. They are like stunted shrubs in the desert, with no hope for the future. They will live in the barren wilderness, in an uninhabited salty land. But blessed are those who trust in the Lord and have made the Lord their hope and confidence. They are like trees planted along a riverbank, with roots that reach deep into the water. Such trees are not bothered by the heat or worried by long months of drought. Their leaves stay green and they never stop producing fruit. The human heart is the most deceitful of all things, and desperately wicked. Who really knows how bad it is? But I, the Lord, search all hearts and examine secret motives. I give all people their due rewards, according to what their actions deserve.”

–Jeremiah 17:5-10

  

I really had no way to answer this question when people would ask until it hit me yesterday morning in church. Sure, I can say, prayer, God’s help, support of family and friends, blah blah blah; but that didn’t really answer the question of “how do you do it?”. It states explicitly in the bible that those who place their faith in human strength alone will suffer. I can’t say that I have been the best Christian and I will not profess to be that now; what I can say is that I have a deep rooted faith in someone far bigger than myself and THAT is how I get through this. I am in the company, through online venues, of hundreds of moms that have walked the exact path I’m on, along with some that are just starting out; watching them go through this without faith is hard for me. It’s very hard to sit back and say, “God says this, God says that” because I know that’s the last thing they want to hear. It’s also very hard for me to KNOW of a way to ease their pain and have no way to share it with them without stepping on an already damaged soul. God and Christianity seem to be a bit too abstract for many people and I can understand why. Placing your faith in what you cannot see seems absolutely insane, but I am proof that it works. I am proof that God is real and He will literally carry you through times like these.

When you lose a child, it is very tempting to become bitter. It is easy to begin to despise people with healthy babies, especially those idiots that take their babies for granted. It is easy to be mad at God and anyone else in your path. It is easy to sink into the “why me” hole and never come back out. I had to make a choice to rise above all of this. I had to decide for myself that I had plenty of things to live for. When I speak of things to live for please don’t think that I ever considered ending my life; that was never an option or so much as a passing thought. I don’t want to just exist on this earth, I don’t want to look back when Aaden is grown and wish I had pulled myself up and out of the “why me” hole, I don’t want to walk around angry and bitter, I don’t want my skin to crawl when I hear other babies crying; I want to live an abundant life. I have true joy in my heart, not to be mistaken with a careless mindset about losing my baby boy; I still have days where I cry all day long for no other reason than my arms just long for my baby. My point is, I just have a God given joy that will allow me to be happy, with bad days here and there, while I grieve my son.

I have recently encountered people that have not heard our story and when I share it with them my heart breaks; not for me, but for them. I sat with a woman in the break room at VBS and comforted her as she wiped the tears away from her face after hearing of our situation. Part of me wonders what is going through their minds as they sit there crying and I sit with a smile on my face; this is when I typically feel the need to explain myself to them. I try to let people know that we have had our time to grieve and we GRIEVED; now it’s our time to celebrate him for who he is and what he was able to do in his 3 short days on this earth.

We had dinner with friends last night after church and I had the pleasure of holding baby Wyatt through our entire meal! I have spoken of him often throughout my blog, but for those that don’t know who he is; he’s Thomas’ best friend. He was born 2 weeks before Thomas and I cherish each moment I get to spend with him. When I hold him, my mind tends to drift into thoughts of Thomas; I think it’s only natural. He’s built just like Aaden was as a baby so I feel certain that’s exactly how Thomas would be built, he has a beautiful round face and big blue eyes, he’s completely bald like Aaden was and oh so fat! I know that Wyatt is Wyatt, but for me, he’s a reminder of the precious life I lost and what he would have been like. I share this with you because I read of so many women that can’t even bring themselves to be around another baby, much less hold them for hours; it is not of my own doing that I find joy in Wyatt, that’s God for ya!

I feel the need to include this disclaimer:

I, in no way, feel I’m better than anyone. I recognize that I do not always live my life the way I should. I am well aware that, at times, a perfect stranger would not be able to tell if I’m a Christian or not. I do occasionally let my mouth speak before my mind thinks. I have my flaws, tons of them, so please do not think I’m trying to preach to you. I just wanted to share the real reason I’m able to get through this, one day at a time; it has nothing to do with ME, it has everything to do with my faith that God will carry me to the next day.

Aaden, almost 3 months old

Wyatt, a little over 2 months old

July 10, 2011 / The Boy is missing his brother…..

July 10, 2011 / The Boy is missing his brother…..

We have had a very full day to say the least; up bright and early for church, then lunch, then back to church to prepare for a week of bible school; loads of fun but I’m wiped out! As I was doing our nightly routine, if that’s what you want to call it, it came down to story time so I piled into the racecar bed with both kids and Mia (the dog) to begin the story process. Aaden always sits in my lap but since Kamryn is here with us this weekend I have to make one sit on each side of me so there’s no fighting and Aaden did something a little different tonight. He grabbed his Baby Thomas doll and sat him in his lap for story time; he has never done that before. I finished all FOUR books and we all said our goodnights, gave out kisses and Kamryn took off for her bed overly excited about bible school in the morning. I was trying to get Aaden settled in, which includes getting Mia settled right next to him and Baby Thomas laying on his chest. I covered him and Baby Thomas up and went to kiss him and he fussed at me and said, “don’t cover up Baby Thomas, he’s not cold!” So I uncovered him and Aaden got a somewhat sad look on his face and said, “this isn’t Baby Thomas.” When I asked him who it was then, he answer, “it’s just a baby”. Broke my heart! So I asked him to tell me where Baby Thomas was if that wasn’t him and he said, “he’s at the Dr., can I go see him?” I tried to explain to him that he’s not, in fact, at the Dr but that he was living with Jesus and he wanted no part of that explanation. He started yelling at me saying, “he’s at the big Dr., you were there with him, I want to see the big Baby Thomas” (I guess he’s calling him big because he is big compared to his baby doll) “he’s my brother mommy, I want to see him”. I moved my head behind him so he couldn’t see me crying and couldn’t come up with any explanation to offer an innocent 3 year old that’s tired of pretending that a baby doll is his brother and talking to a giant piece of granite at a hot cemetery. I know people are going to say, “it’s ok to cry in front of him, he needs to see that you get upset, blah blah blah”; it’s not ok when the topic I’m sobbing over is too abstract for him to wrap his tiny mind around! He doesn’t get that we buried his brother, he doesn’t get that he’s never going to get to see him again this side of Heaven, he doesn’t get that I’m sad because my arms are empty and longing to hold him and his brother at bedtime and my heart literally hurts because a piece of it is missing; in his mind, his brother is still sitting at the Dr. and we clearly should be visiting him. Just when I thought we had somehow protected him from this heartache, I’m proven wrong. I talked with other parents that had children around Aaden’s age when their babies were born and passed; they all claimed that their children have no recollection of the baby they lost but Aaden clearly does. He remembers him vividly, part of me is thankful for that and part of me hurts for him.

I am hurting for my boy tonight because it seems to just be really dawning on him that someone is missing from our family and that someone is supposed to be a huge part of his life.

Now I will pull myself together and refocus on the upcoming week of bible school with my kids! They’re both super pumped and I’d be lying if I said I’m not equally as excited!!