What could have been the worst Christmas ever.....

December 27, 2011 – What could have been the worst Christmas ever……

I have one purpose in blogging about this Christmas and that is to say that not only was it NOT the worst Christmas I’ve ever had, it was the best Christmas I’ve ever had! So many times we like to focus long and hard on all we have lost when a holiday such as this one rolls around and I have to admit, it wasn’t hard at all for me to focus on what I have staring me in the face right here on this earth. Were there parts of this Season that were hard on me? Yes. Were there times I was tempted to sit and concentrate only on the fact that I should have an eight month old here with me, not the least bit interested in opening a gift, but very interested in eating the paper and tearing up the things his big brother and sister got? Yes! Did I spend time reflecting on what my life was like ONE SHORT YEAR AGO? YES! And still, all in all, this was the best Christmas of my life.

Last year, Aaron was of course working, and I had gone to Sneak a Peek earlier in the week to have an ultrasound done without him. I had Brandy put the gender results in a sealed envelope, I placed the envelope in a gift bag under the tree and Aaron and I got to open it together on Christmas morning to find out that we were having another son. I can remember how restless I was all night long waiting for him to get home from work so we would know what our baby was going to be. He had no idea I had such a surprise waiting for him and I was about to burst from suspense. That happy memory has not been overshadowed by the despair we have suffered; it is only sweeter because of the sadness that followed. 11 days after we found out we were having another boy, our world crumbled. We have been picking up the pieces ever since and we are doing OKAY. Most days I would tell you that we’re doing FANTASTIC! I do not want anyone to mistake this happiness for carelessness. We miss our son, we think of him and speak of him daily, we visit his resting place often, we share his story with anyone that will listen; but we have made the choice to trust in God and to believe that He has a purpose and a plan for us that is being carried out through this season of our lives.

So many times you hear people speak of a person that has passed away in this manner, “______ wouldn’t want me to be sad.” Sometimes I hear that and I think how corny it really sounds. I don’t want to knock it, because it’s true, but at the same time; is that really supposed to heal the deep pain that’s both emotional and physical?? I know that Thomas wouldn’t want me to be sad. I know that he would want a happy mommy. I also know that Thomas is in a far better place than I am and I am happy for that. I am selfish and I want my son here with me, but in reality, he’s far better off than any of us here on this earth. I want to be happy because I WANT TO BE HAPPY. I want to be a good mommy for my son here on earth. I want to teach him about God’s love and how He carried our entire family through this loss. I want him to always remind me that he’s a big brother and Thomas is his baby brother. I want to always be able to say, “I’ve done the best I can to protect Aaden from the heartache of losing his baby brother and while protecting his heart, I’ve helped him preserve precious memories of the brother that he only got to spend a few hours with.” I am not happy because “Thomas wouldn’t want me to be sad”, I am happy because God has placed joy in my heart and I am able to know that He has a plan for my family that is far bigger than I’m allowed to see at this point.

I think people expected me to mourn heavily during this Christmas season, but what is there to mourn? I have lost my child, I miss him with each passing moment, but I have to carry on. I have a son and a step daughter here that need me to pick myself up and give them a healthy and productive childhood filled with fantastic memories. This was the most magical Christmas with Aaden yet, and I know that God had a hand in that. I was too busy moving his elf each night, buying gifts, leaving surprise notes, cleaning up the elf’s mess, class Christmas party, his first Christmas program, booking a personal Santa and Mrs. Claus to pay him a visit with one very specific gift he had asked for, planning parties, trips to Kemah for breakfast with Santa and a day filled with riding rides, wrapping gifts, feeding reindeer, baking cookies and Jesus’ birthday cake, and staging snowy Santa footprints in my fireplace to sit around moping about what I have lost; look at all I HAVE.

I certainly hope all of you have had a wonderful Christmas and I pray that 2012 brings so much joy into my house that we’re plain sickening to be around!

Love you all!

Zack stole Woody's hat!

Woody was hiding from the rest of the gang.....

We had a rough day.....Santa had to intervene! 

The boy had some m&ms for breakfast! You only live once!

Having a wild party with the ladies! These were the only ladies in the toy box with clothes!

He was not happy about orange milk.....good thing we had another gallon!

not fun to clean up!

Can you see him?!?

he was upset about sharing his toys....go figure....

and he was very upset about being shot in the head.....

We both had pj day at school! This was a special day because I actually got to pick him up from school (which never happens) and then he got to spend the rest of the day with me at work with the big kids! 

This is a very special group with a very special teacher! We love Mrs. Brown!

Look who paid him a personal visit! 

We ran into a real reindeer at Kemah!

Daddy did this one.....but mommy had to clean it up!

sitting and watching a whole lot of nothing!

Santa sent Timon, Zazu and Pumbaa straight from the North Pole and they were playing a nice game of scrabble with Zack the elf!

"All Things Aaden" scrabble to be exact!

Aaden had to play too!

Grand Finale Day!

undies everywhere!

He had many giggles about this one....

The elf made him a special hat just in case he started missing him once he's gone....

He got to spend time hugging him goodbye.....there were BIG tears after this moment

trying to get reindeer food on the roof.....precious!

Aaden placed him here for Santa to find.....

To Be Blissfully Ignorant........

The date on this is November 3rd and it is now December 7th. I have no idea why I waited this long to post this, but I did so here it is!

November 3, 2011 – To Be Blissfully Ignorant…..

This has been quite a week; not great, not horrific, just kind of bad. Saturday, October 29^th, my Thomas would have been 6 months old. Tuesday, November 1^st, marked 6 months since his passing.  Monday, November 7^th, will mark 6 months since we said a final goodbye. Not sure why certain markers are more difficult than others, but this 6 month mark has almost done me in. I have spent much time in tears and some time in prayer; guess I should spend more time in prayer in hopes of dwindling my time in tears. Who knows the answer to any of this?! I’m beginning to think there is no answer! You hear parents yack about how there isn’t a guide to parenting, well; there really isn’t a guide to recovering from losing a child. There isn’t a guide to watching your child lose their battle with a fatal illness. There isn’t a guide to recovering from repeat miscarriages. There isn’t a guide to struggling with infertility. Be thankful for the opportunity to muddle through the struggles of raising your healthy child, as I am eternally thankful for my daily victories and struggles in raising my wild, almost FOUR YEAR OLD boy!

This past Monday was Halloween and it, like every other holiday, ignited a million emotions for me. As I was moaning and groaning about various things, such as bodily aches and pains, the fact that Aaron had to work Halloween night and I was once again playing the role of single mommy to an incredible Batman, it dawned on me; this time last year I was newly pregnant and sick as a dog. It was such a vivid memory, I remember walking block after block after block with Aaden and thinking to myself, and I’m sure voicing it to any ear that would listen, how miserable I was because all I wanted to do was lay down. I toughed it out and even ended up carrying all 35 pounds of him for several blocks. He was dressed as a T-Rex and carrying a 35 pound T-Rex with a large tail isn’t terribly easy. I remember thinking how the next year would be so different because I would have two little ones to handle; I would have to figure out how to juggle a 6 month old in a stroller and a wild 3 year old on foot.

My biggest concerns in those days seem so dumb now. I was so worried about my rapid weight gain, as many women know, number 2 shows up way faster than number 1. I was worried that I might get stretch marks with this one due to the rate at which I was growing. I was worried that the ALL DAY sickness would never end. I was worried about the gender of my baby; I would love another boy but a girl would just be easier because we could put her in a room with Kamryn, since she’s only with us every other weekend, instead of making two kids share a room every single day while her room sits unused. I was worried about finding time to help Aaden adjust to having his entire world flipped on its axis. I was worried about this baby being as fussy as Aaden was for the entire first 8 months of his life. I was worried about finding time to workout since the gym childcare facility doesn’t accept babies until they’re 6 months old.  I was worried about switching doctors because I was so comfortable with my old doctor and really just wanted him to deliver my second child as a personal favor to me, even though he no longer delivered babies. Ultimately I was worrying myself sick over the things that all blissfully ignorant pregnant women worry themselves with. I was rolling through life without a true care in the world. The thought of my baby being sick never even entered my mind. I never thought I would be where I am today. I was so blissful in my state of ignorance that the only thing I was concerned about at my 20 week ultrasound was whether or not he was still a boy, since we had found out a week prior that he was going to be another boy. What I would give to be so ignorant again!

As the holidays are quickly approaching I am attempting to make a conscious effort to be thankful for what I have instead of wallowing in what I have lost. I am so very thankful for my husband and my children, earthly and heavenly. I am so thankful for my family, they have loved me through every single part of my life and some of those times I now know I was very unlovable. I am also thankful to have a family that has not only accepted my husband and his daughter, but they love them as if our family was never complete before we gained them. I am thankful for my friends that are like my family; they have carried me this far and have yet to lose steam! I am thankful for my job and even more thankful for my husband’s job. This list could go on and on and on but I will wrap it up by saying how thankful I am that I serve a God of love, forgiveness, mercy, compassion and multiple chances. I am not perfect and never will be, but as I love my son for who he is and not who I want him to be, God loves me that much more.

Thank you all for being there for me and loving me through this season of my life. Being blissfully ignorant is something I will never experience again, but I can honestly say that I am happy and through my losses, still blessed beyond measure.

Big Bridge Ahead

October 24, 2011 – Big Bridge Ahead……

As the last few months have passed I have found it increasingly more difficult to be carefree. On the 29^th of this month, this Saturday coming up, my baby would have been 6 months old. I am finding myself in a state of weepy depression today and can’t pull myself out of it. This age in any child’s life is certainly significant and I’m having a hard time not wishing I had my baby here to cross all these milestones:

Physical and motor skill markers:

• Able to hold almost all weight when supported in a standing position
• Able to transfer objects from one hand to the other
• Able to lift chest and head while on stomach, holding the weight on hands (often occurs by 4 months)
• Able to pick up a dropped object
• Able to roll from back to stomach
• Able to sit in a high chair with a straight back
• Able to sit on the floor with lower back support
• Beginning of teething
• Increased drooling
• Should be able to sleep 6 - 8 hour stretches at night
• Should have doubled birth weight (birth weight often doubles by 4 months, and it would be cause for concern if this hasn't happened by 6 months)

Sensory and cognitive markers:

• Begins to fear strangers
• Begins to imitate actions
• Begins to realize that if an object is dropped, it is still there and just needs to be picked up
• Can locate sounds not made directly at the ear level
• Enjoys hearing own voice
• Makes sounds (vocalizes) to mirror and toys
• Makes sounds resembling one-syllable words (example: da-da, ba-ba)
• Prefers more complex sounds
• Recognizes parents
• Starts to imitate sounds
• Vision is between 20/60 and 20/40

Play recommendations:

• Read, sing, and talk to your child
• Imitate words such as "mama" to help baby learn language
• Play peek-a-boo
• Provide an unbreakable mirror
• Provide large, bright-colored toys that make noise or have moving parts (avoid toys with small parts)
• Provide paper to tear
• Speak clearly
• Start naming parts of the body and the environment
• Use body movements and actions to teach language
• Use the word "no" infrequently

I think looking at these made it even more real; my child is not here to do any of these!! He’s not behind, he’s not ahead; he’s simply not here!! It makes me so mad! This is the “year of anniversaries”, this is the year I get to say, “this is my first _______ without Thomas”. Halloween is coming up and although I couldn’t be any happier about spending it with my little 3 year old batman that really believes his cape should make him fly; I can’t help but think that I should be picking out some ridiculously cheesy costume to put Thomas in because by the time he’s 3, he will insist on picking out his own super hero costume! I have been robbed of that! I just want to put him in a stupid costume, that’s probably too warm for a Southeast Texas Halloween, and take a million pictures of him because I can never get his first Halloween back and I can’t. I’m feeling very sorry for myself today. I’m suffering from anxiety over his first birthday, which will be here before we know it. I’m struggling with the “right way” to celebrate it. I refuse to let it just roll by without acknowledgment but at the same time I don’t want to freak the kids out. I know his birth, day of passing and funeral dates will all be sneaking up on me soon and I’m already sad. How am I going to hold it together during those times?!? How am I going to slap on a happy face when all I want to do is crawl in a hole and cry? How am I going to get up every single day, go to work, and play the role of mommy, wife and friend when all I can think about is how bad my heart hurts?

I am currently a part of a group on Facebook for families of Anencephalic babies; it’s a place where people that have lost babies and people that are losing babies can go for comfort. Another mom lost her baby today, her daughter passed away before she was ever born which seems so very unfair. Each post seems to rip a piece of my healing wound wide open; might be time to remove myself from this group all together.

I don’t know what my deal is today, but I can’t seem to shake it. I have cried off and on all day long, keeping it together when I had kids in my room and letting it all go on my short breaks. Days like these make me ask “why”. Days like these make it hard to be “inspirational”. Days like these give me a feeling of entitlement; like I’ve earned time to myself to wallow in my broken heart. I rarely get that luxury.

As I’m sitting here feeling excessively sorry for myself I try to focus on what I DO have, sometimes this takes a conscious effort on my part. I am blessed to have the support system that I have. I am blessed to have the family I have. I am blessed to have the unit of friends that I have. I am so blessed with a boy that loves his mommy more than words could express and I am so proud of the kid he is. He has turned out to be quite the sensitive young fella and I am so amazed by him each and every day. On our drive in this morning he kept showing me a spot on his finger and said, “Jesus kissed me a new freckle”. I wouldn’t dare tell him that it was a blood blister from a run in with his popgun this weekend. He is my precious life-saver and I don’t thank God enough for him.  

Time to Update!

October 17, 2011 – Bush family update….

In an attempt to keep people in the loop and also ask for prayers, I hope I don’t share too much information! If this is TMI for some of you, I want to apologize in advance.

When you’re told that your child will not survive, so many thoughts enter your mind and some are too bold to shove to the back. When we first found out that Thomas would not be “compatible with life”, the thought of another child was the furthest thing from my mind, and most importantly, my heart. I had many people approach me and ask if we were going to have another baby and I couldn’t help but become puzzled by that because my Thomas hadn’t even been born yet; how in the world was I supposed to remotely think about the “next child” when he hasn’t even been given his chance on this earth?! I would be lying if I said I hadn’t thought about it myself, but I found it odd that perfect strangers would ask. I had thought about it, time and time again. Aaron and I spent hours discussing it because we have now lived a reality that most can’t even begin to comprehend. While pregnant with Thomas we researched adoption, we talked with the specialist about the chances of this reoccurring if we chose to try again and we talked about being happy with the family we already have and calling it quits; not a single one of these options brought a sense of peace over us until the day we had Thomas. There were moments in the hospital where Aaron and I had the joy of just sitting in a quiet room with our son and soaking him in, not many because he had so many visitors, but I cherish each quiet moment we had. In one of those moments Aaron looked at me and said he wanted to try again. The only reason this particular moment remains so vivid in my mind is because he was sold on adoption, he was too scared to relive the nightmare that we had been stuck in since January to even entertain the thought of trying again. To some, this might sound like one of the most selfish conversations for two parents to have as they hold their dying child, but until you’ve been where we’ve been, that’s not something you can judge. During those three days with our baby boy I was able to see who he might have been. I was able to find his personality. I was able to see how much he resembled Aaden when he was a newborn. I only got a tiny taste of my child and it left me wanting more. I am aching to have a child in my arms, I want to wake up every couple of hours to feed my newborn baby, I want to change diapers, I want to be the only person in the world that can sooth my little one when they’re upset; I want all the things that most parents of newborns complain about!

There is a term that I was completely unaware of until Thomas came into our lives and that term is, “Rainbow Baby”. By definition, a “Rainbow Baby” is a baby that is born after the loss of a previous child. Here is something beautiful I found online, the author is unknown, but I want to share it.

“Rainbow Babies” are the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it does not mean that the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and the clouds. Storm clouds may still loom over but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and much needed hope.

Some of you might be freaking out at this point, thinking that I’m announcing a pregnancy; sorry to disappoint, but no baby yet! Aaron and I have decided that it’s time to start trying for our Rainbow Baby and I ask that you keep us in your prayers. Please pray that we are blessed with a fat, healthy baby in the near future! This might be one of the scariest roads of this journey; we now know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that healthy babies are truly a miracle!! 

The love of a perfect stranger....

September 29, 2011 / The love of a perfect stranger.....

5 months ago I gave birth to the most amazing tiny blessing to ever take a breath on this earth! It doesn’t seem like he would be 5 months old already! I can’t help but think of all the things he would be doing and how he might be interacting with his big brother. I have spent much of this day in tears and making a deliberate effort to drag myself out of a state of uncontrollable sadness. As I write this, it’s around 9:40pm and 5 months ago at this point in the evening we were spending the last of some of Thomas’ best moments with him. His life became a struggle from that point on. There are days where every single memory comes flooding in and completely takes over my ability to be happy; that was today! I faked a smile all day long and when I didn’t have to face people I sat in my room dabbing tears off of my face, making sure not to rub because I didn’t want people to know I had been crying. I absolutely hate days like this!!

As I got in my car to head home from work, the lovely 40 minute drive, rain began to dump on my windshield; I say dump because it wasn’t just pouring, it was literally like buckets were over my car dumping rain on me! Along with that rain came quarter size hail, fantastic! I pulled over on the side of the road to sit this one out; after all, hail is less harmful if you’re sitting still. I finally decided to just go for it and head home, I had a 4:00 hair appointment calling my name! Nothing makes a bad day better like a new head of hair and I was really excited about it; I wasn’t going to let a hailstorm stop me! On the way there I received a text from Aaron letting me know that someone had stolen the lantern off of Thomas’ spot! I wanted to scream. No matter where your child is physically located, they’re still your child; I honestly wanted to cause bodily harm to the idiot that had the nerve to rob my baby. This was turning into one of those days where I should have just stayed in bed.

After getting my hair done, which was amazing by the way, I logged into my Facebook account to find an email from a perfect stranger; I still receive these here and there but they’re becoming less frequent. I somewhat scanned the email but then got wrapped up in dinner and watching Alice in Wonderland with my boy; when I got back to it I discovered that it was meant to come to me on this very day. This sweet girl had the kindest words to offer me and also included a link to a Facebook page that contained a picture she wanted me to look at.

This is a site that a girl in Hawaii started after her baby girl was born sleeping. She takes “orders” on Sundays and goes out on their beautiful beaches to write the names of those angel babies! How awesome is that?!? The sweet girl that emailed me placed an order for my Thomas and it was posted today, on his 5-month birthday! I LOVE IT!

Perfect strangers that take the time to contact people that are hurting are angels on earth. Thank you to all of you that have helped me through days like this, from my best friends to those I will never meet!

Turning the Why into What....

September 15, 2011

Turning the Why into What…..

As I was reading my devotion this morning I realized that Lysa TerKeurst was in my head, reading my thoughts! I love reading the Proverbs 31 Ministries devotions as they’re geared toward women and how we might manage our lives. They’re also short, sweet and to the point because the women writing them have insight into the busy lives we lead as moms; they realize spare time isn’t always lying around.

This has been a rough week for me and I wish I could share with you why it has been so rough; I don’t even have that answer. I have spent a ton of time in tears and when I’m not in tears, I’m fighting them off. I have made several trips to see my Thomas; another perk of working in Bridge City and having to drive to Orange to pick Aaden up after work. These visits are normally uplifting and joyful but this week they seem to have stirred up the “why me” storm once again. I don’t know that I’ve actually said the words, “why me”, but I strongly believe they’re lurking in the back of my mind. In my devotion this morning the words, “It’s so tempting to wallow in the why. Asking why is perfectly normal. Asking why isn’t unspiritual. However, if asking why pushes us farther from God rather than drawing us closer to Him, it is the wrong question”, jumped out of my computer screen on slapped me in the face! I try not to ask “why me”, but it’s so natural. It’s so easy to look at all that I have lost this year and wallow in the misery of “why me”. Most days I make the decision not to wallow in the “why” but to focus on happier things; this week has gotten the best of me. I wanted to share what I read this morning so that those of you that struggle with this as well could see things from a different perspective and stop asking “why” and start asking “what”.
Lysa shared that when we ask “why” so often and don’t get the desired response we travel to a place of resentment, bitterness and move further away from God. She likened it to parking our minds in an unhealthy location; in a location that allows hurt feelings to arise and in essence we begin to feel sorry for ourselves.  When we ask “what” instead, this allows us to pave the road to parking our minds in a much happier, healthier and all around better place. Here are some examples that Lysa provided of some “what” questions to ask yourself:

·         This is my reality, now what am I going to do with it? (this one is VERY important)

·         What can I learn from this?

·         What part of this is for my protection?

·         What other opportunities could God be providing?

·         What maturity could God be building into me?

For those of you that have suffered the same loss as Aaron and I have, this might seem frustrating. It feels good to ask “why” because we feel entitled to an answer to that particular question. The raw truth is this; it’s not our place to know “why”, it’s none of our business “why” we were chosen and not the crack addicted woman that keeps having healthy babies and taking them for granted. Let me ask this; if you knew the answer to that question, would it change anything? Would it bring your baby back? Would you feel more peace about losing your child if you could just know “why”? When I truly thought about that, the answer came to me in the form of a resounding NO. It would not change one single thing, I still wouldn’t have my baby boy, I would still feel a pain that no parent should have to suffer through and the reality is; I probably wouldn’t like the answer to my “why” question and that would simply cause more anger and frustration.
My human nature wants to ask “why” but I will try to focus on the “what” questions from now on.

I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through Him who gives me strength.  Philippians 4:11-13