What could have been the worst Christmas ever.....

December 27, 2011 – What could have been the worst Christmas ever……

I have one purpose in blogging about this Christmas and that is to say that not only was it NOT the worst Christmas I’ve ever had, it was the best Christmas I’ve ever had! So many times we like to focus long and hard on all we have lost when a holiday such as this one rolls around and I have to admit, it wasn’t hard at all for me to focus on what I have staring me in the face right here on this earth. Were there parts of this Season that were hard on me? Yes. Were there times I was tempted to sit and concentrate only on the fact that I should have an eight month old here with me, not the least bit interested in opening a gift, but very interested in eating the paper and tearing up the things his big brother and sister got? Yes! Did I spend time reflecting on what my life was like ONE SHORT YEAR AGO? YES! And still, all in all, this was the best Christmas of my life.

Last year, Aaron was of course working, and I had gone to Sneak a Peek earlier in the week to have an ultrasound done without him. I had Brandy put the gender results in a sealed envelope, I placed the envelope in a gift bag under the tree and Aaron and I got to open it together on Christmas morning to find out that we were having another son. I can remember how restless I was all night long waiting for him to get home from work so we would know what our baby was going to be. He had no idea I had such a surprise waiting for him and I was about to burst from suspense. That happy memory has not been overshadowed by the despair we have suffered; it is only sweeter because of the sadness that followed. 11 days after we found out we were having another boy, our world crumbled. We have been picking up the pieces ever since and we are doing OKAY. Most days I would tell you that we’re doing FANTASTIC! I do not want anyone to mistake this happiness for carelessness. We miss our son, we think of him and speak of him daily, we visit his resting place often, we share his story with anyone that will listen; but we have made the choice to trust in God and to believe that He has a purpose and a plan for us that is being carried out through this season of our lives.

So many times you hear people speak of a person that has passed away in this manner, “______ wouldn’t want me to be sad.” Sometimes I hear that and I think how corny it really sounds. I don’t want to knock it, because it’s true, but at the same time; is that really supposed to heal the deep pain that’s both emotional and physical?? I know that Thomas wouldn’t want me to be sad. I know that he would want a happy mommy. I also know that Thomas is in a far better place than I am and I am happy for that. I am selfish and I want my son here with me, but in reality, he’s far better off than any of us here on this earth. I want to be happy because I WANT TO BE HAPPY. I want to be a good mommy for my son here on earth. I want to teach him about God’s love and how He carried our entire family through this loss. I want him to always remind me that he’s a big brother and Thomas is his baby brother. I want to always be able to say, “I’ve done the best I can to protect Aaden from the heartache of losing his baby brother and while protecting his heart, I’ve helped him preserve precious memories of the brother that he only got to spend a few hours with.” I am not happy because “Thomas wouldn’t want me to be sad”, I am happy because God has placed joy in my heart and I am able to know that He has a plan for my family that is far bigger than I’m allowed to see at this point.

I think people expected me to mourn heavily during this Christmas season, but what is there to mourn? I have lost my child, I miss him with each passing moment, but I have to carry on. I have a son and a step daughter here that need me to pick myself up and give them a healthy and productive childhood filled with fantastic memories. This was the most magical Christmas with Aaden yet, and I know that God had a hand in that. I was too busy moving his elf each night, buying gifts, leaving surprise notes, cleaning up the elf’s mess, class Christmas party, his first Christmas program, booking a personal Santa and Mrs. Claus to pay him a visit with one very specific gift he had asked for, planning parties, trips to Kemah for breakfast with Santa and a day filled with riding rides, wrapping gifts, feeding reindeer, baking cookies and Jesus’ birthday cake, and staging snowy Santa footprints in my fireplace to sit around moping about what I have lost; look at all I HAVE.

I certainly hope all of you have had a wonderful Christmas and I pray that 2012 brings so much joy into my house that we’re plain sickening to be around!

Love you all!

Zack stole Woody's hat!

Woody was hiding from the rest of the gang.....

We had a rough day.....Santa had to intervene! 

The boy had some m&ms for breakfast! You only live once!

Having a wild party with the ladies! These were the only ladies in the toy box with clothes!

He was not happy about orange milk.....good thing we had another gallon!

not fun to clean up!

Can you see him?!?

he was upset about sharing his toys....go figure....

and he was very upset about being shot in the head.....

We both had pj day at school! This was a special day because I actually got to pick him up from school (which never happens) and then he got to spend the rest of the day with me at work with the big kids! 

This is a very special group with a very special teacher! We love Mrs. Brown!

Look who paid him a personal visit! 

We ran into a real reindeer at Kemah!

Daddy did this one.....but mommy had to clean it up!

sitting and watching a whole lot of nothing!

Santa sent Timon, Zazu and Pumbaa straight from the North Pole and they were playing a nice game of scrabble with Zack the elf!

"All Things Aaden" scrabble to be exact!

Aaden had to play too!

Grand Finale Day!

undies everywhere!

He had many giggles about this one....

The elf made him a special hat just in case he started missing him once he's gone....

He got to spend time hugging him goodbye.....there were BIG tears after this moment

trying to get reindeer food on the roof.....precious!

Aaden placed him here for Santa to find.....

To Be Blissfully Ignorant........

The date on this is November 3rd and it is now December 7th. I have no idea why I waited this long to post this, but I did so here it is!

November 3, 2011 – To Be Blissfully Ignorant…..

This has been quite a week; not great, not horrific, just kind of bad. Saturday, October 29^th, my Thomas would have been 6 months old. Tuesday, November 1^st, marked 6 months since his passing.  Monday, November 7^th, will mark 6 months since we said a final goodbye. Not sure why certain markers are more difficult than others, but this 6 month mark has almost done me in. I have spent much time in tears and some time in prayer; guess I should spend more time in prayer in hopes of dwindling my time in tears. Who knows the answer to any of this?! I’m beginning to think there is no answer! You hear parents yack about how there isn’t a guide to parenting, well; there really isn’t a guide to recovering from losing a child. There isn’t a guide to watching your child lose their battle with a fatal illness. There isn’t a guide to recovering from repeat miscarriages. There isn’t a guide to struggling with infertility. Be thankful for the opportunity to muddle through the struggles of raising your healthy child, as I am eternally thankful for my daily victories and struggles in raising my wild, almost FOUR YEAR OLD boy!

This past Monday was Halloween and it, like every other holiday, ignited a million emotions for me. As I was moaning and groaning about various things, such as bodily aches and pains, the fact that Aaron had to work Halloween night and I was once again playing the role of single mommy to an incredible Batman, it dawned on me; this time last year I was newly pregnant and sick as a dog. It was such a vivid memory, I remember walking block after block after block with Aaden and thinking to myself, and I’m sure voicing it to any ear that would listen, how miserable I was because all I wanted to do was lay down. I toughed it out and even ended up carrying all 35 pounds of him for several blocks. He was dressed as a T-Rex and carrying a 35 pound T-Rex with a large tail isn’t terribly easy. I remember thinking how the next year would be so different because I would have two little ones to handle; I would have to figure out how to juggle a 6 month old in a stroller and a wild 3 year old on foot.

My biggest concerns in those days seem so dumb now. I was so worried about my rapid weight gain, as many women know, number 2 shows up way faster than number 1. I was worried that I might get stretch marks with this one due to the rate at which I was growing. I was worried that the ALL DAY sickness would never end. I was worried about the gender of my baby; I would love another boy but a girl would just be easier because we could put her in a room with Kamryn, since she’s only with us every other weekend, instead of making two kids share a room every single day while her room sits unused. I was worried about finding time to help Aaden adjust to having his entire world flipped on its axis. I was worried about this baby being as fussy as Aaden was for the entire first 8 months of his life. I was worried about finding time to workout since the gym childcare facility doesn’t accept babies until they’re 6 months old.  I was worried about switching doctors because I was so comfortable with my old doctor and really just wanted him to deliver my second child as a personal favor to me, even though he no longer delivered babies. Ultimately I was worrying myself sick over the things that all blissfully ignorant pregnant women worry themselves with. I was rolling through life without a true care in the world. The thought of my baby being sick never even entered my mind. I never thought I would be where I am today. I was so blissful in my state of ignorance that the only thing I was concerned about at my 20 week ultrasound was whether or not he was still a boy, since we had found out a week prior that he was going to be another boy. What I would give to be so ignorant again!

As the holidays are quickly approaching I am attempting to make a conscious effort to be thankful for what I have instead of wallowing in what I have lost. I am so very thankful for my husband and my children, earthly and heavenly. I am so thankful for my family, they have loved me through every single part of my life and some of those times I now know I was very unlovable. I am also thankful to have a family that has not only accepted my husband and his daughter, but they love them as if our family was never complete before we gained them. I am thankful for my friends that are like my family; they have carried me this far and have yet to lose steam! I am thankful for my job and even more thankful for my husband’s job. This list could go on and on and on but I will wrap it up by saying how thankful I am that I serve a God of love, forgiveness, mercy, compassion and multiple chances. I am not perfect and never will be, but as I love my son for who he is and not who I want him to be, God loves me that much more.

Thank you all for being there for me and loving me through this season of my life. Being blissfully ignorant is something I will never experience again, but I can honestly say that I am happy and through my losses, still blessed beyond measure.