To Be Blissfully Ignorant........

The date on this is November 3rd and it is now December 7th. I have no idea why I waited this long to post this, but I did so here it is!

November 3, 2011 – To Be Blissfully Ignorant…..

This has been quite a week; not great, not horrific, just kind of bad. Saturday, October 29^th, my Thomas would have been 6 months old. Tuesday, November 1^st, marked 6 months since his passing.  Monday, November 7^th, will mark 6 months since we said a final goodbye. Not sure why certain markers are more difficult than others, but this 6 month mark has almost done me in. I have spent much time in tears and some time in prayer; guess I should spend more time in prayer in hopes of dwindling my time in tears. Who knows the answer to any of this?! I’m beginning to think there is no answer! You hear parents yack about how there isn’t a guide to parenting, well; there really isn’t a guide to recovering from losing a child. There isn’t a guide to watching your child lose their battle with a fatal illness. There isn’t a guide to recovering from repeat miscarriages. There isn’t a guide to struggling with infertility. Be thankful for the opportunity to muddle through the struggles of raising your healthy child, as I am eternally thankful for my daily victories and struggles in raising my wild, almost FOUR YEAR OLD boy!

This past Monday was Halloween and it, like every other holiday, ignited a million emotions for me. As I was moaning and groaning about various things, such as bodily aches and pains, the fact that Aaron had to work Halloween night and I was once again playing the role of single mommy to an incredible Batman, it dawned on me; this time last year I was newly pregnant and sick as a dog. It was such a vivid memory, I remember walking block after block after block with Aaden and thinking to myself, and I’m sure voicing it to any ear that would listen, how miserable I was because all I wanted to do was lay down. I toughed it out and even ended up carrying all 35 pounds of him for several blocks. He was dressed as a T-Rex and carrying a 35 pound T-Rex with a large tail isn’t terribly easy. I remember thinking how the next year would be so different because I would have two little ones to handle; I would have to figure out how to juggle a 6 month old in a stroller and a wild 3 year old on foot.

My biggest concerns in those days seem so dumb now. I was so worried about my rapid weight gain, as many women know, number 2 shows up way faster than number 1. I was worried that I might get stretch marks with this one due to the rate at which I was growing. I was worried that the ALL DAY sickness would never end. I was worried about the gender of my baby; I would love another boy but a girl would just be easier because we could put her in a room with Kamryn, since she’s only with us every other weekend, instead of making two kids share a room every single day while her room sits unused. I was worried about finding time to help Aaden adjust to having his entire world flipped on its axis. I was worried about this baby being as fussy as Aaden was for the entire first 8 months of his life. I was worried about finding time to workout since the gym childcare facility doesn’t accept babies until they’re 6 months old.  I was worried about switching doctors because I was so comfortable with my old doctor and really just wanted him to deliver my second child as a personal favor to me, even though he no longer delivered babies. Ultimately I was worrying myself sick over the things that all blissfully ignorant pregnant women worry themselves with. I was rolling through life without a true care in the world. The thought of my baby being sick never even entered my mind. I never thought I would be where I am today. I was so blissful in my state of ignorance that the only thing I was concerned about at my 20 week ultrasound was whether or not he was still a boy, since we had found out a week prior that he was going to be another boy. What I would give to be so ignorant again!

As the holidays are quickly approaching I am attempting to make a conscious effort to be thankful for what I have instead of wallowing in what I have lost. I am so very thankful for my husband and my children, earthly and heavenly. I am so thankful for my family, they have loved me through every single part of my life and some of those times I now know I was very unlovable. I am also thankful to have a family that has not only accepted my husband and his daughter, but they love them as if our family was never complete before we gained them. I am thankful for my friends that are like my family; they have carried me this far and have yet to lose steam! I am thankful for my job and even more thankful for my husband’s job. This list could go on and on and on but I will wrap it up by saying how thankful I am that I serve a God of love, forgiveness, mercy, compassion and multiple chances. I am not perfect and never will be, but as I love my son for who he is and not who I want him to be, God loves me that much more.

Thank you all for being there for me and loving me through this season of my life. Being blissfully ignorant is something I will never experience again, but I can honestly say that I am happy and through my losses, still blessed beyond measure.

Big Bridge Ahead

October 24, 2011 – Big Bridge Ahead……

As the last few months have passed I have found it increasingly more difficult to be carefree. On the 29^th of this month, this Saturday coming up, my baby would have been 6 months old. I am finding myself in a state of weepy depression today and can’t pull myself out of it. This age in any child’s life is certainly significant and I’m having a hard time not wishing I had my baby here to cross all these milestones:

Physical and motor skill markers:

• Able to hold almost all weight when supported in a standing position
• Able to transfer objects from one hand to the other
• Able to lift chest and head while on stomach, holding the weight on hands (often occurs by 4 months)
• Able to pick up a dropped object
• Able to roll from back to stomach
• Able to sit in a high chair with a straight back
• Able to sit on the floor with lower back support
• Beginning of teething
• Increased drooling
• Should be able to sleep 6 - 8 hour stretches at night
• Should have doubled birth weight (birth weight often doubles by 4 months, and it would be cause for concern if this hasn't happened by 6 months)

Sensory and cognitive markers:

• Begins to fear strangers
• Begins to imitate actions
• Begins to realize that if an object is dropped, it is still there and just needs to be picked up
• Can locate sounds not made directly at the ear level
• Enjoys hearing own voice
• Makes sounds (vocalizes) to mirror and toys
• Makes sounds resembling one-syllable words (example: da-da, ba-ba)
• Prefers more complex sounds
• Recognizes parents
• Starts to imitate sounds
• Vision is between 20/60 and 20/40

Play recommendations:

• Read, sing, and talk to your child
• Imitate words such as "mama" to help baby learn language
• Play peek-a-boo
• Provide an unbreakable mirror
• Provide large, bright-colored toys that make noise or have moving parts (avoid toys with small parts)
• Provide paper to tear
• Speak clearly
• Start naming parts of the body and the environment
• Use body movements and actions to teach language
• Use the word "no" infrequently

I think looking at these made it even more real; my child is not here to do any of these!! He’s not behind, he’s not ahead; he’s simply not here!! It makes me so mad! This is the “year of anniversaries”, this is the year I get to say, “this is my first _______ without Thomas”. Halloween is coming up and although I couldn’t be any happier about spending it with my little 3 year old batman that really believes his cape should make him fly; I can’t help but think that I should be picking out some ridiculously cheesy costume to put Thomas in because by the time he’s 3, he will insist on picking out his own super hero costume! I have been robbed of that! I just want to put him in a stupid costume, that’s probably too warm for a Southeast Texas Halloween, and take a million pictures of him because I can never get his first Halloween back and I can’t. I’m feeling very sorry for myself today. I’m suffering from anxiety over his first birthday, which will be here before we know it. I’m struggling with the “right way” to celebrate it. I refuse to let it just roll by without acknowledgment but at the same time I don’t want to freak the kids out. I know his birth, day of passing and funeral dates will all be sneaking up on me soon and I’m already sad. How am I going to hold it together during those times?!? How am I going to slap on a happy face when all I want to do is crawl in a hole and cry? How am I going to get up every single day, go to work, and play the role of mommy, wife and friend when all I can think about is how bad my heart hurts?

I am currently a part of a group on Facebook for families of Anencephalic babies; it’s a place where people that have lost babies and people that are losing babies can go for comfort. Another mom lost her baby today, her daughter passed away before she was ever born which seems so very unfair. Each post seems to rip a piece of my healing wound wide open; might be time to remove myself from this group all together.

I don’t know what my deal is today, but I can’t seem to shake it. I have cried off and on all day long, keeping it together when I had kids in my room and letting it all go on my short breaks. Days like these make me ask “why”. Days like these make it hard to be “inspirational”. Days like these give me a feeling of entitlement; like I’ve earned time to myself to wallow in my broken heart. I rarely get that luxury.

As I’m sitting here feeling excessively sorry for myself I try to focus on what I DO have, sometimes this takes a conscious effort on my part. I am blessed to have the support system that I have. I am blessed to have the family I have. I am blessed to have the unit of friends that I have. I am so blessed with a boy that loves his mommy more than words could express and I am so proud of the kid he is. He has turned out to be quite the sensitive young fella and I am so amazed by him each and every day. On our drive in this morning he kept showing me a spot on his finger and said, “Jesus kissed me a new freckle”. I wouldn’t dare tell him that it was a blood blister from a run in with his popgun this weekend. He is my precious life-saver and I don’t thank God enough for him.  

Time to Update!

October 17, 2011 – Bush family update….

In an attempt to keep people in the loop and also ask for prayers, I hope I don’t share too much information! If this is TMI for some of you, I want to apologize in advance.

When you’re told that your child will not survive, so many thoughts enter your mind and some are too bold to shove to the back. When we first found out that Thomas would not be “compatible with life”, the thought of another child was the furthest thing from my mind, and most importantly, my heart. I had many people approach me and ask if we were going to have another baby and I couldn’t help but become puzzled by that because my Thomas hadn’t even been born yet; how in the world was I supposed to remotely think about the “next child” when he hasn’t even been given his chance on this earth?! I would be lying if I said I hadn’t thought about it myself, but I found it odd that perfect strangers would ask. I had thought about it, time and time again. Aaron and I spent hours discussing it because we have now lived a reality that most can’t even begin to comprehend. While pregnant with Thomas we researched adoption, we talked with the specialist about the chances of this reoccurring if we chose to try again and we talked about being happy with the family we already have and calling it quits; not a single one of these options brought a sense of peace over us until the day we had Thomas. There were moments in the hospital where Aaron and I had the joy of just sitting in a quiet room with our son and soaking him in, not many because he had so many visitors, but I cherish each quiet moment we had. In one of those moments Aaron looked at me and said he wanted to try again. The only reason this particular moment remains so vivid in my mind is because he was sold on adoption, he was too scared to relive the nightmare that we had been stuck in since January to even entertain the thought of trying again. To some, this might sound like one of the most selfish conversations for two parents to have as they hold their dying child, but until you’ve been where we’ve been, that’s not something you can judge. During those three days with our baby boy I was able to see who he might have been. I was able to find his personality. I was able to see how much he resembled Aaden when he was a newborn. I only got a tiny taste of my child and it left me wanting more. I am aching to have a child in my arms, I want to wake up every couple of hours to feed my newborn baby, I want to change diapers, I want to be the only person in the world that can sooth my little one when they’re upset; I want all the things that most parents of newborns complain about!

There is a term that I was completely unaware of until Thomas came into our lives and that term is, “Rainbow Baby”. By definition, a “Rainbow Baby” is a baby that is born after the loss of a previous child. Here is something beautiful I found online, the author is unknown, but I want to share it.

“Rainbow Babies” are the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it does not mean that the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and the clouds. Storm clouds may still loom over but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and much needed hope.

Some of you might be freaking out at this point, thinking that I’m announcing a pregnancy; sorry to disappoint, but no baby yet! Aaron and I have decided that it’s time to start trying for our Rainbow Baby and I ask that you keep us in your prayers. Please pray that we are blessed with a fat, healthy baby in the near future! This might be one of the scariest roads of this journey; we now know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that healthy babies are truly a miracle!! 

The love of a perfect stranger....

September 29, 2011 / The love of a perfect stranger.....

5 months ago I gave birth to the most amazing tiny blessing to ever take a breath on this earth! It doesn’t seem like he would be 5 months old already! I can’t help but think of all the things he would be doing and how he might be interacting with his big brother. I have spent much of this day in tears and making a deliberate effort to drag myself out of a state of uncontrollable sadness. As I write this, it’s around 9:40pm and 5 months ago at this point in the evening we were spending the last of some of Thomas’ best moments with him. His life became a struggle from that point on. There are days where every single memory comes flooding in and completely takes over my ability to be happy; that was today! I faked a smile all day long and when I didn’t have to face people I sat in my room dabbing tears off of my face, making sure not to rub because I didn’t want people to know I had been crying. I absolutely hate days like this!!

As I got in my car to head home from work, the lovely 40 minute drive, rain began to dump on my windshield; I say dump because it wasn’t just pouring, it was literally like buckets were over my car dumping rain on me! Along with that rain came quarter size hail, fantastic! I pulled over on the side of the road to sit this one out; after all, hail is less harmful if you’re sitting still. I finally decided to just go for it and head home, I had a 4:00 hair appointment calling my name! Nothing makes a bad day better like a new head of hair and I was really excited about it; I wasn’t going to let a hailstorm stop me! On the way there I received a text from Aaron letting me know that someone had stolen the lantern off of Thomas’ spot! I wanted to scream. No matter where your child is physically located, they’re still your child; I honestly wanted to cause bodily harm to the idiot that had the nerve to rob my baby. This was turning into one of those days where I should have just stayed in bed.

After getting my hair done, which was amazing by the way, I logged into my Facebook account to find an email from a perfect stranger; I still receive these here and there but they’re becoming less frequent. I somewhat scanned the email but then got wrapped up in dinner and watching Alice in Wonderland with my boy; when I got back to it I discovered that it was meant to come to me on this very day. This sweet girl had the kindest words to offer me and also included a link to a Facebook page that contained a picture she wanted me to look at.

This is a site that a girl in Hawaii started after her baby girl was born sleeping. She takes “orders” on Sundays and goes out on their beautiful beaches to write the names of those angel babies! How awesome is that?!? The sweet girl that emailed me placed an order for my Thomas and it was posted today, on his 5-month birthday! I LOVE IT!

Perfect strangers that take the time to contact people that are hurting are angels on earth. Thank you to all of you that have helped me through days like this, from my best friends to those I will never meet!

Turning the Why into What....

September 15, 2011

Turning the Why into What…..

As I was reading my devotion this morning I realized that Lysa TerKeurst was in my head, reading my thoughts! I love reading the Proverbs 31 Ministries devotions as they’re geared toward women and how we might manage our lives. They’re also short, sweet and to the point because the women writing them have insight into the busy lives we lead as moms; they realize spare time isn’t always lying around.

This has been a rough week for me and I wish I could share with you why it has been so rough; I don’t even have that answer. I have spent a ton of time in tears and when I’m not in tears, I’m fighting them off. I have made several trips to see my Thomas; another perk of working in Bridge City and having to drive to Orange to pick Aaden up after work. These visits are normally uplifting and joyful but this week they seem to have stirred up the “why me” storm once again. I don’t know that I’ve actually said the words, “why me”, but I strongly believe they’re lurking in the back of my mind. In my devotion this morning the words, “It’s so tempting to wallow in the why. Asking why is perfectly normal. Asking why isn’t unspiritual. However, if asking why pushes us farther from God rather than drawing us closer to Him, it is the wrong question”, jumped out of my computer screen on slapped me in the face! I try not to ask “why me”, but it’s so natural. It’s so easy to look at all that I have lost this year and wallow in the misery of “why me”. Most days I make the decision not to wallow in the “why” but to focus on happier things; this week has gotten the best of me. I wanted to share what I read this morning so that those of you that struggle with this as well could see things from a different perspective and stop asking “why” and start asking “what”.
Lysa shared that when we ask “why” so often and don’t get the desired response we travel to a place of resentment, bitterness and move further away from God. She likened it to parking our minds in an unhealthy location; in a location that allows hurt feelings to arise and in essence we begin to feel sorry for ourselves.  When we ask “what” instead, this allows us to pave the road to parking our minds in a much happier, healthier and all around better place. Here are some examples that Lysa provided of some “what” questions to ask yourself:

·         This is my reality, now what am I going to do with it? (this one is VERY important)

·         What can I learn from this?

·         What part of this is for my protection?

·         What other opportunities could God be providing?

·         What maturity could God be building into me?

For those of you that have suffered the same loss as Aaron and I have, this might seem frustrating. It feels good to ask “why” because we feel entitled to an answer to that particular question. The raw truth is this; it’s not our place to know “why”, it’s none of our business “why” we were chosen and not the crack addicted woman that keeps having healthy babies and taking them for granted. Let me ask this; if you knew the answer to that question, would it change anything? Would it bring your baby back? Would you feel more peace about losing your child if you could just know “why”? When I truly thought about that, the answer came to me in the form of a resounding NO. It would not change one single thing, I still wouldn’t have my baby boy, I would still feel a pain that no parent should have to suffer through and the reality is; I probably wouldn’t like the answer to my “why” question and that would simply cause more anger and frustration.
My human nature wants to ask “why” but I will try to focus on the “what” questions from now on.

I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through Him who gives me strength.  Philippians 4:11-13

August 28, 2011 – Winding down from the first week back to school…..

Well, the new beginnings started this week and for the most part things went really well! I happen to really like my new job, I’m not to the point of loving it yet, but that will come. I miss my friends in West Orange but I sill get to see most of them quite often so I’ll survive. I am learning the ins and outs of my new district and I have to say I feel confident that I will adjust with very little effort. It seems I have fallen into a job with wonderful co-workers that are willing to help me out when I ask and best of all; I eat lunch for free!!

I have found myself in an odd position concerning Thomas; do I share him with these people or do I keep him to myself?? I think we all know my answer to this one; I share him with anyone that wants to listen. I have pictures of him in my room and I know the topic of him will come up in due time. I have brought him up to a few people already and it feels good to get it off my chest. I have struggled with how to answer the question, “how many kids do you have?” It’s very hard to read people; you never know if they will be excessively uncomfortable at the mention of a child that has passed away or if they will welcome conversations about them. I was in the front office the other day and someone asked me how many kids I had and in that moment of truth I said, “I have two boys, one is 3 ½ years old and my youngest son passed away on May 1^st”. I was trying to make eye contact with people in the room to read their reactions while attempting to remain assertive but loving at the same time. I don’t like crying in front of people I know, much less strangers. I was shocked at the warm responses I received! They all sat there listening to our story and when I offered my blog site to one of the ladies standing there, another lady asked if I would write it down for her. What a relief, I’ve made the first step in letting my new co-workers in on a little piece of who I am now.

I really wish I could report such a happy beginning for my boy at his new school, but his week didn’t go so well. He was so very excited about starting his first day of school and I was so proud of how “grown up” he appeared to be; it’s not easy changing schools. I woke him up delicately, he’s just like me, hates mornings! I went in, scooped him up in a blanket and turned on his favorite cartoons while I rocked him until he woke up. When he finally opened his eyes I asked him if he was ready to go to school and he said he was; whew! I fixed his favorite breakfast and sat with him while we both ate. I had to wake up over an hour before I would normally be up just to ensure that this day went just right for him. I took plenty of pictures of a smiling face that was eager to meet new friends at his new school and off we went. As we were driving to Bridge City I noticed he was staring out the window so of course I asked him if everything was ok; his response was, “I’m just looking for my new school”. I was so excited that he was really ready to make this leap in life. His first day went so well; he really seemed to love it. Day two; not so much. I will simply say, it’s amazing that this mommy was able to keep the ugly side under wraps. He will not be going back to that school, ever again!! Our good friend helped us out for the rest of last week and he is now back in Presbyterian Day School in West Orange. I never should have pulled him but I really didn’t want to drive from Beaumont to Orange to drop him off and then head to work in Bridge City only to go back to Orange to pick him back up before being able to head back to Beaumont. I would drive all over the Golden Triangle at this point to make sure I never pick my baby boy up in that state again! He can’t wait to start his “green school” this week!

On to the weekend……

We made a snap decision, along with our really good friends, to head to the lake for the weekend!! Best thing we could have done after the first week back to work; it was relaxing, exciting and an all out blast. I’m so glad we decided to go. I have to say I’ve never been so happy to wake up at the crack of dawn. We didn’t get to the lake house until really late Friday evening and the boys were high on life. They were so excited to be there and they were not having any part of going to sleep so we all partied until around midnight when us old folks couldn’t take it any longer. Saturday morning my sweet boy woke me up with the best words. I was sound asleep when I hear him not so much saying, but singing, “I’m smiling at you”. I checked the time and it was only 7:00; we do not wake up at 7:00 on Saturday mornings in the Bush house so I sweetly told him to go back to sleep. He honored my request for about 30 more minutes when I hear, “I fink the sun is on, I need to go swim in the lake”. I couldn’t be mad, I have to say his excitement made all the difference in the world. We have spent the last 2 days on boats, jet skiis and lounging in the water with people we truly cherish. We were able to just exist for the entire weekend and it was much needed. I really feel refreshed and ready to take on the school year; I wouldn’t be mad if we did that every weekend!

I am blessed beyond measure. I have an amazing family and the best friends I could ask for. We are surrounded by people that love our family and we love them just as much. The only bad thing to come of the weekend; my nice set of raccoon eyes and a fantastic burn that’s causing an incredible amount of discomfort!

I want to close this blog asking for prayers for a friend of mine. She’s a person that Thomas has brought into my life and I’m so proud to “know” her; even if only through FB. She is currently pregnant with her 2^nd anencephalic baby and is only 34 weeks. She found out last week that her fluid levels are dangerously high and she will have to be induced in the morning. She weighs heavy on my heart and mind daily. There’s a bond there that can’t be described; I just love my fellow anencephaly mommies. She has handled what God has given her with grace and dignity. She has carried out His tough and what seems unfair will twice now. I would ask that all of you pray; pray for comfort, peace, words to offer her older children, strength for her and her husband and most importantly that her Lily be born alive and she get to spend some time with her angel before she leaves this earth. She KNOWS what’s in store; that doesn’t make it any easier, it might, in fact, make it far more difficult. I may never meet Allison Johnson, but she will forever be in my heart.

August 3, 2011 / Good Times…..New Beginnings…..Big News…..

August 3, 2011 / Good Times…..New Beginnings…..Big News…..

Aaron and I just returned from an amazing weekend away! We have never had the opportunity to get away for so long; just the two of us. We don’t normally splurge on “just us” but after the year we just had we figured it was due time for a bit of splurging. We didn’t go far, only to Gulf Shores, Alabama; it was far enough and the perfect place for a simple get away. We had the most incredible weather and the best time just laughing together; something we haven’t done much of since January 5^th. We tried to experience the things that we wouldn’t have been able to if we had brought the kids with us because we aren’t sure when a trip like this might happen again. Our first outing was Parasailing!!! If you haven’t done this, do it! If you’re not interested in it, get interested!! That was the most peaceful thing I’ve ever done. We chose the 1000 foot flight and I was a tad nervous that we might be taking things a bit too far. Turns out, I wouldn’t have it any other way and if there is an option of going even higher, I’d opt for that! Once we were up there we couldn’t hear anything except each other talking, it was so quiet and the view was amazing! The next adventure we decided to embark on was Jet Skiing with the Dolphins; yet another grand idea!!! This particular outing is a 2 hour guided Jet Ski tour; with or without dolphin sightings, it would be incredible! Once we got out there we did, in fact, get to see many dolphins at close range. It took us a while to find them but once we did I felt like a little kid at Christmas; I love dolphins!! The interesting part of this trip is riding the waves on the back of a Jet Ski driven by my husband! He managed to tump us within the first 20 minutes and I have bruises all over my left leg. I spent the majority of our trip airborne and hanging onto his vest for dear life; a blast was had by all, us AND the onlookers! The freedom of being able to just pick up and go felt amazing! I wouldn’t trade Aaden for the world, but it was nice to have a weekend that was just about Aaron and myself. I think we both feel that this vacation was the start of our new beginnings.

Getting ready to parasail

Classic Gulf Shores picture spot

before the dunk

after

Yesterday was a HUGE day for us! Pretty much since the birth of Thomas we have been wanting to find a way to make things “new” for our family. Ways to get out of things that will constantly remind us of our recent pain. One of these “things” is our house. This house holds so many precious and happy memories so we can’t say it only reminds us of pain, but ultimately, it’s a happy place with some severe trauma mixed in. This is the home we bought in preparation for Aaden’s arrival. This is the home we poured blood sweat and tears into over the last 4 years to get it just right. This is the home that we have made every single family memory in; unfortunately, one of those memories is a huge source of discomfort and gut wrenching pain. We have been talking about selling our house and buying a new one, we just weren’t really sure where. Well, yesterday marked the day that the official decision was made!

As many of you know, I will be leaving my job at West Orange. This decision did not come without a ton of prayer, consideration and long talks with Aaron. I will now be working for Bridge City ISD as their Speech Therapist at the intermediate school and I couldn’t be happier about it. I did not go looking for this job, I did not have my resume out there; this job came to me at the SPAR water park of all places. It was there that I met the Special Education Director of Bridge City and we began talking about a few students that would be moving to her district in the upcoming year. Long story short, she somewhat asked me if I was happy where I was and began sharing with me what my duties and responsibilities would be if I came to work for her. Over the course of a couple of weeks, decisions were made, contracts were signed and I had to say goodbye to a place that meant the world to me. I was very happy at West Orange and I truly don’t feel I would have ever pursued employment elsewhere. Each person at WOSE played a major role in getting me through my journey this year. Those people are my family; they love Aaron, Aaden and myself like we’re all from the same bloodline. There is one little thing I had been agonizing over since we first found out about Thomas; how would I share it with the kids at work? I am the Speech Therapist, so every kid in that school sees me at some point throughout the day; not necessarily as their Therapist, but they see me picking up kids from their classes. Each child knew that I was expecting. My 43 kids knew I was leaving on April 28^th to have a baby; none of them knew he wouldn’t survive. I had severe anxiety about answering to my kids. How was I supposed to explain to little children that my baby had passed away? I even thought that maybe I could just say, “he’s perfect” or “he’s just fine” and leave it at that, but these kids wouldn’t take that for an answer. They would want to see ongoing pictures of him, they would want updates, they love me and long to be a part of a family; even if it’s their Speech Therapists family. When I was approached about this job at Bridge City I saw it as my “burning bush”, it was an opportunity to start fresh and it was being dumped in my lap. I felt it was God’s will and His answer to a prayer that I hadn’t even prayed.

From this decision came more decisions, like where we would live. Since I am taking this job, Aaden will attend school there and it simply makes sense that we would live there. As many of you know, Hurricane Ike destroyed Bridge City; homes were completely under water and people are still rebuilding their lives 3 years later. This is super scary for a person that is looking to buy in this community! So, let’s just say, tons of thought went into the selection of the area we would buy in and it’s not in the heart of Bridge City but it’s in a fabulous location. We were driving around one day looking at properties that were for sale and we stumbled on an amazing piece of land. We have never considered it an option to build; we almost got divorced while simply remodeling so we figured building wasn’t an option. This land changed our minds completely. For starters, it’s a corner lot and two lots down from a cul-de-sac; two of the items on my “want list”. The other plus is, it’s 1.23 acres of land that’s already been cleared and 100 loads of dirt have already been brought in to build up the property!! Anyone that knows me might be laughing at the thought of me living on that much land because I’m a “city girl” at heart, but this property feels right! Aaden will love having so much space to play and Aaron can finally have an excuse to buy a fancy lawnmower; it’s a win win for everyone! Yesterday was the day. We went to the bank and finalized loan paperwork for our land and we should close on September 8^th, if not sooner!! Once we got that taken care of I decided to get a tattoo. I have one other tattoo that has absolutely no meaning but lots of fun memories attached to it, but this tattoo would mean something. I got one little angel wing on my foot as a constant visible reminder of my angel boy! Some might find tattoos tacky but I happen to love them and I have to say I don’t think I’ll ever regret this one; even when I’m old and wrinkled! It will always be a memorial for my baby boy.

Aaron drew my tattoo based off of a pendant I have on my Thomas necklace

Happy before the pain begins!

Flipper at Flipper's Skin Flix is an all around amazing guy!!

I LOVE IT!

On to the Big News!!! This isn’t MY big news but it’s very close to my heart! Remember my sweet nurse, Lanie?? She has been on quite the journey herself in pursuit of beginning the completion of her family. She and her husband decided to adopt a child from Korea and initially wanted an infant; their minds were changed in an instant. I think it was in October of 2010 they were sent a picture of a toddler; they fell in love. They knew he was their child and if you saw a picture of him you would know why. You can see his soul in his sweet face; may sound strange to some but it’s true. My sweet friends have been waiting since October for the arrival of their precious Andy and he arrived Monday, August 1, 2011. I have spent hours staring at his pictures. When I see him I can’t help but get teary eyed because I know what a blessing he is to them and what a huge blessing they are to him. I light up when I see her name flash across my phone because I know it’s either another picture of him or an update of how his transition is going. There are several reasons why Andy is so important to me, but the main one is that he brought happiness during my lowest time. As I was traveling my very sad and depressing journey, I also got to travel their journey of hope. Lanie got me through each doctor visit. Lanie was the ONLY person that could find Thomas’ heart tones. Lanie responded to every single late night text from Aaron or myself concerning my physical and mental health. She is like my sister and my entire family is eternally grateful for her strategic placement in our lives. I couldn’t be happier for her and Peter. They are two of the kindest people I know and so deserving of this opportunity to raise such a beautiful little boy.

Clearly, terrific things are happening in our lives. Thank you, God, for bringing Thomas into our lives. That little blessing makes the sweet taste sweeter!