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Thursday, September 29, 2011

The love of a perfect stranger....

September 29, 2011 / The love of a perfect stranger.....

5 months ago I gave birth to the most amazing tiny blessing to ever take a breath on this earth! It doesn’t seem like he would be 5 months old already! I can’t help but think of all the things he would be doing and how he might be interacting with his big brother. I have spent much of this day in tears and making a deliberate effort to drag myself out of a state of uncontrollable sadness. As I write this, it’s around 9:40pm and 5 months ago at this point in the evening we were spending the last of some of Thomas’ best moments with him. His life became a struggle from that point on. There are days where every single memory comes flooding in and completely takes over my ability to be happy; that was today! I faked a smile all day long and when I didn’t have to face people I sat in my room dabbing tears off of my face, making sure not to rub because I didn’t want people to know I had been crying. I absolutely hate days like this!!

As I got in my car to head home from work, the lovely 40 minute drive, rain began to dump on my windshield; I say dump because it wasn’t just pouring, it was literally like buckets were over my car dumping rain on me! Along with that rain came quarter size hail, fantastic! I pulled over on the side of the road to sit this one out; after all, hail is less harmful if you’re sitting still. I finally decided to just go for it and head home, I had a 4:00 hair appointment calling my name! Nothing makes a bad day better like a new head of hair and I was really excited about it; I wasn’t going to let a hailstorm stop me! On the way there I received a text from Aaron letting me know that someone had stolen the lantern off of Thomas’ spot! I wanted to scream. No matter where your child is physically located, they’re still your child; I honestly wanted to cause bodily harm to the idiot that had the nerve to rob my baby. This was turning into one of those days where I should have just stayed in bed.

After getting my hair done, which was amazing by the way, I logged into my Facebook account to find an email from a perfect stranger; I still receive these here and there but they’re becoming less frequent. I somewhat scanned the email but then got wrapped up in dinner and watching Alice in Wonderland with my boy; when I got back to it I discovered that it was meant to come to me on this very day. This sweet girl had the kindest words to offer me and also included a link to a Facebook page that contained a picture she wanted me to look at.

This is a site that a girl in Hawaii started after her baby girl was born sleeping. She takes “orders” on Sundays and goes out on their beautiful beaches to write the names of those angel babies! How awesome is that?!? The sweet girl that emailed me placed an order for my Thomas and it was posted today, on his 5-month birthday! I LOVE IT!

Perfect strangers that take the time to contact people that are hurting are angels on earth. Thank you to all of you that have helped me through days like this, from my best friends to those I will never meet!

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Turning the Why into What....

September 15, 2011

Turning the Why into What…..

As I was reading my devotion this morning I realized that Lysa TerKeurst was in my head, reading my thoughts! I love reading the Proverbs 31 Ministries devotions as they’re geared toward women and how we might manage our lives. They’re also short, sweet and to the point because the women writing them have insight into the busy lives we lead as moms; they realize spare time isn’t always lying around.

This has been a rough week for me and I wish I could share with you why it has been so rough; I don’t even have that answer. I have spent a ton of time in tears and when I’m not in tears, I’m fighting them off. I have made several trips to see my Thomas; another perk of working in Bridge City and having to drive to Orange to pick Aaden up after work. These visits are normally uplifting and joyful but this week they seem to have stirred up the “why me” storm once again. I don’t know that I’ve actually said the words, “why me”, but I strongly believe they’re lurking in the back of my mind. In my devotion this morning the words, “It’s so tempting to wallow in the why. Asking why is perfectly normal. Asking why isn’t unspiritual. However, if asking why pushes us farther from God rather than drawing us closer to Him, it is the wrong question”, jumped out of my computer screen on slapped me in the face! I try not to ask “why me”, but it’s so natural. It’s so easy to look at all that I have lost this year and wallow in the misery of “why me”. Most days I make the decision not to wallow in the “why” but to focus on happier things; this week has gotten the best of me. I wanted to share what I read this morning so that those of you that struggle with this as well could see things from a different perspective and stop asking “why” and start asking “what”.
Lysa shared that when we ask “why” so often and don’t get the desired response we travel to a place of resentment, bitterness and move further away from God. She likened it to parking our minds in an unhealthy location; in a location that allows hurt feelings to arise and in essence we begin to feel sorry for ourselves.  When we ask “what” instead, this allows us to pave the road to parking our minds in a much happier, healthier and all around better place. Here are some examples that Lysa provided of some “what” questions to ask yourself:
·         This is my reality, now what am I going to do with it? (this one is VERY important)
·         What can I learn from this?
·         What part of this is for my protection?
·         What other opportunities could God be providing?
·         What maturity could God be building into me?
For those of you that have suffered the same loss as Aaron and I have, this might seem frustrating. It feels good to ask “why” because we feel entitled to an answer to that particular question. The raw truth is this; it’s not our place to know “why”, it’s none of our business “why” we were chosen and not the crack addicted woman that keeps having healthy babies and taking them for granted. Let me ask this; if you knew the answer to that question, would it change anything? Would it bring your baby back? Would you feel more peace about losing your child if you could just know “why”? When I truly thought about that, the answer came to me in the form of a resounding NO. It would not change one single thing, I still wouldn’t have my baby boy, I would still feel a pain that no parent should have to suffer through and the reality is; I probably wouldn’t like the answer to my “why” question and that would simply cause more anger and frustration.
My human nature wants to ask “why” but I will try to focus on the “what” questions from now on.

I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through Him who gives me strength.  Philippians 4:11-13