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Thursday, March 29, 2012

So sorry it's been so long.......

March 29, 2012 – Just not enough time in my day….

I have received several emails from people asking how my ultrasound went and I have to apologize for never posting after the event; I just haven’t found time to sit down and write anything at all. We went in on March 9th for the scan to detect whether or not this baby has Anencephaly; NONE was detected. This baby has a nicely formed round head, with no anomalies as of yet. We are not out of the woods, but are remaining focused and thankful for this huge hurdle being behind us.
We were running late, as usual, and when we got there one of my favorite nurses (and my dear friend) came strolling in behind us; she’s been there for each ultrasound so far. When they called my name, the stress got to be too much; it was Joy, the same ultrasound tech that had performed the scan that detected Thomas’ Anencephaly; talk about a punch to the gut. I couldn’t help but think; here we go, this is happening all over again. I never said that, I simply told Joy something like, “this time will be different, only good news”! Aaron and I had decided that it would just be us in there for this one, just in case it was bad news, so my parents and Brittni stood outside waiting impatiently to hear something from our room. I almost walked out of that ultrasound; the fear almost got the best of me. I have never been so scared of something in my life; knowing that your life IS going to change and could very well change in a negative way, has a way of forcing you back into an all too familiar hell on earth rather fast. I know I wasn’t breathing and I’m pretty sure Aaron wasn’t breathing either. I begged Joy to be honest with me and to actually talk to me this time. She said she would tell me every single thing that she saw and wouldn’t make me wait for any surprises from Dr. Sherman. I am so thankful for the staff there; they really take such phenomenal care of me. She started the scan and I could literally see my heart pounding out of my chest and I didn’t give her much time before I started badgering her and she quickly said that this baby doesn’t have it!! That, of course, wasn’t enough for me, I had to make her show me how she knew for sure and she did; a nice dark white line surrounding this baby’s head shows that the skull has formed. What a relief, my heart completely calmed at that point; I have never had my heart go from pounding to complete peace in a split second like that!!! I kept asking Aaron if he was going to go get everyone in the hall and he wasn’t moving fast enough, I think we were both in shock that this was really happening. Those of you that have never had such a traumatic experience will never understand what it’s like to be in shock that your baby is actually healthy; be thankful. My parents and Brittni came in the room to celebrate with us and it’s all hazy from that point, I do remember that I was able to hold it together until we all joined hands and my dad prayed; that seemed to solidify what we had just seen. Healthy babies are a true miracle and for anyone to argue otherwise is beyond my comprehension. We will go back on April 9th to do further blood work and will see the dreaded Dr. Reiter on April 26th, 3 days before Thomas’ first birthday, to check for any other possible neural tube defects; after that we are in the clear! Please continue to pray for the health of this baby.
Once we got the good news, we felt comfortable telling our kids about this baby. We felt it was necessary to keep it from them until we could tell them whether or not this baby would have to leave us like Thomas did. One of the hardest things to do is to tell your children that this baby you’ve been talking to them about and preparing them for will not survive on earth with us. We told Aaden first and he had the sweetest, most innocent response. I showed him the ultrasound picture and I asked if he knew what that was a picture of, he said, “that’s my baby brother or sister”. I thought this response was so profound until I started thinking about the millions of times he saw Thomas in that same form, he would probably think anyone’s ultrasound picture was a picture of his baby brother or sister. I started praising his response and asked him if he knew where the baby was and he said, “in heaven?”, gut wrenching. My poor baby doesn’t know any better, he doesn’t realize that baby brothers and sisters are supposed to live with you on earth; he just assumes they all go to heaven. I explained that this baby was in my tummy and that this was not Thomas, but a different brother or sister; Aaron was chiming in there too because we were trying to make him understand what was happening, with very little success might I add. When we told him that it was not Thomas he became furious and started yelling that he didn’t want a different baby; again, if you’ve never had to experience this, count your blessings. We told him that Thomas would always be his brother and that would never change but that he would have another baby brother or sister and that would make two for him. He finally calmed down and has somewhat adjusted to the idea.
The older kids have a better grasp of the reality of it, the death aspect of it, and they had more pointed questions for us. My sister told her children the day we found out and the big fear for them, especially my nephew, was that they would have to live through the nightmare of losing another baby cousin. Kamryn was super excited to know that I was having another baby but that was quickly overshadowed by thoughts of this one passing away too so she just blurted out, “is this baby going to die too”?? Aaaaaahhhhhhh!!! It’s so hard to remain composed when kids say things like this, but it’s just innocent inquiries. I just told her that this baby does not have the same thing that Thomas did, but we do not know God’s bigger plan and we will just have to wait and see if this baby will be completely healthy so we can keep them and watch them grow. Now her biggest concern is making sure it’s a girl! She wants a girl and Aaden wants a boy, they spent this past weekend fighting over it and when I said that God gets to decide if it’s a boy or girl Aaden looks at her and says, “I heard God say it’s a boy”; how do you argue with that?