October 17, 2011 – Bush family update….
In an attempt to keep people in the loop and also ask for prayers, I hope I don’t share too much information! If this is TMI for some of you, I want to apologize in advance.
When you’re told that your child will not survive, so many thoughts enter your mind and some are too bold to shove to the back. When we first found out that Thomas would not be “compatible with life”, the thought of another child was the furthest thing from my mind, and most importantly, my heart. I had many people approach me and ask if we were going to have another baby and I couldn’t help but become puzzled by that because my Thomas hadn’t even been born yet; how in the world was I supposed to remotely think about the “next child” when he hasn’t even been given his chance on this earth?! I would be lying if I said I hadn’t thought about it myself, but I found it odd that perfect strangers would ask. I had thought about it, time and time again. Aaron and I spent hours discussing it because we have now lived a reality that most can’t even begin to comprehend. While pregnant with Thomas we researched adoption, we talked with the specialist about the chances of this reoccurring if we chose to try again and we talked about being happy with the family we already have and calling it quits; not a single one of these options brought a sense of peace over us until the day we had Thomas. There were moments in the hospital where Aaron and I had the joy of just sitting in a quiet room with our son and soaking him in, not many because he had so many visitors, but I cherish each quiet moment we had. In one of those moments Aaron looked at me and said he wanted to try again. The only reason this particular moment remains so vivid in my mind is because he was sold on adoption, he was too scared to relive the nightmare that we had been stuck in since January to even entertain the thought of trying again. To some, this might sound like one of the most selfish conversations for two parents to have as they hold their dying child, but until you’ve been where we’ve been, that’s not something you can judge. During those three days with our baby boy I was able to see who he might have been. I was able to find his personality. I was able to see how much he resembled Aaden when he was a newborn. I only got a tiny taste of my child and it left me wanting more. I am aching to have a child in my arms, I want to wake up every couple of hours to feed my newborn baby, I want to change diapers, I want to be the only person in the world that can sooth my little one when they’re upset; I want all the things that most parents of newborns complain about!
There is a term that I was completely unaware of until Thomas came into our lives and that term is, “Rainbow Baby”. By definition, a “Rainbow Baby” is a baby that is born after the loss of a previous child. Here is something beautiful I found online, the author is unknown, but I want to share it.
“Rainbow Babies” are the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it does not mean that the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and the clouds. Storm clouds may still loom over but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and much needed hope.
Some of you might be freaking out at this point, thinking that I’m announcing a pregnancy; sorry to disappoint, but no baby yet! Aaron and I have decided that it’s time to start trying for our Rainbow Baby and I ask that you keep us in your prayers. Please pray that we are blessed with a fat, healthy baby in the near future! This might be one of the scariest roads of this journey; we now know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that healthy babies are truly a miracle!!