The date on this is November 3rd and it is now December 7th. I have no idea why I waited this long to post this, but I did so here it is!
November 3, 2011 – To Be Blissfully Ignorant…..
This has been quite a week; not great, not horrific, just kind of bad. Saturday, October 29th, my Thomas would have been 6 months old. Tuesday, November 1st, marked 6 months since his passing. Monday, November 7th, will mark 6 months since we said a final goodbye. Not sure why certain markers are more difficult than others, but this 6 month mark has almost done me in. I have spent much time in tears and some time in prayer; guess I should spend more time in prayer in hopes of dwindling my time in tears. Who knows the answer to any of this?! I’m beginning to think there is no answer! You hear parents yack about how there isn’t a guide to parenting, well; there really isn’t a guide to recovering from losing a child. There isn’t a guide to watching your child lose their battle with a fatal illness. There isn’t a guide to recovering from repeat miscarriages. There isn’t a guide to struggling with infertility. Be thankful for the opportunity to muddle through the struggles of raising your healthy child, as I am eternally thankful for my daily victories and struggles in raising my wild, almost FOUR YEAR OLD boy!
This past Monday was Halloween and it, like every other holiday, ignited a million emotions for me. As I was moaning and groaning about various things, such as bodily aches and pains, the fact that Aaron had to work Halloween night and I was once again playing the role of single mommy to an incredible Batman, it dawned on me; this time last year I was newly pregnant and sick as a dog. It was such a vivid memory, I remember walking block after block after block with Aaden and thinking to myself, and I’m sure voicing it to any ear that would listen, how miserable I was because all I wanted to do was lay down. I toughed it out and even ended up carrying all 35 pounds of him for several blocks. He was dressed as a T-Rex and carrying a 35 pound T-Rex with a large tail isn’t terribly easy. I remember thinking how the next year would be so different because I would have two little ones to handle; I would have to figure out how to juggle a 6 month old in a stroller and a wild 3 year old on foot.
My biggest concerns in those days seem so dumb now. I was so worried about my rapid weight gain, as many women know, number 2 shows up way faster than number 1. I was worried that I might get stretch marks with this one due to the rate at which I was growing. I was worried that the ALL DAY sickness would never end. I was worried about the gender of my baby; I would love another boy but a girl would just be easier because we could put her in a room with Kamryn, since she’s only with us every other weekend, instead of making two kids share a room every single day while her room sits unused. I was worried about finding time to help Aaden adjust to having his entire world flipped on its axis. I was worried about this baby being as fussy as Aaden was for the entire first 8 months of his life. I was worried about finding time to workout since the gym childcare facility doesn’t accept babies until they’re 6 months old. I was worried about switching doctors because I was so comfortable with my old doctor and really just wanted him to deliver my second child as a personal favor to me, even though he no longer delivered babies. Ultimately I was worrying myself sick over the things that all blissfully ignorant pregnant women worry themselves with. I was rolling through life without a true care in the world. The thought of my baby being sick never even entered my mind. I never thought I would be where I am today. I was so blissful in my state of ignorance that the only thing I was concerned about at my 20 week ultrasound was whether or not he was still a boy, since we had found out a week prior that he was going to be another boy. What I would give to be so ignorant again!
As the holidays are quickly approaching I am attempting to make a conscious effort to be thankful for what I have instead of wallowing in what I have lost. I am so very thankful for my husband and my children, earthly and heavenly. I am so thankful for my family, they have loved me through every single part of my life and some of those times I now know I was very unlovable. I am also thankful to have a family that has not only accepted my husband and his daughter, but they love them as if our family was never complete before we gained them. I am thankful for my friends that are like my family; they have carried me this far and have yet to lose steam! I am thankful for my job and even more thankful for my husband’s job. This list could go on and on and on but I will wrap it up by saying how thankful I am that I serve a God of love, forgiveness, mercy, compassion and multiple chances. I am not perfect and never will be, but as I love my son for who he is and not who I want him to be, God loves me that much more.
Thank you all for being there for me and loving me through this season of my life. Being blissfully ignorant is something I will never experience again, but I can honestly say that I am happy and through my losses, still blessed beyond measure.