February 20, 2012 – Feeling like the worst mommy alive right about now…..
I haven’t written much lately because I don’t have many positive and encouraging things to say. I am feeling extremely worn down and defeated. Most days I don’t know if I’m coming or going and the little saying, “I’d lose my head if it wasn’t attached”, is an understatement. Laundry is piling up, dishes seem to dirty themselves, the floors need mopping, the bathrooms should probably just be gutted and redone, the dogs need bathing, the sheets need washing, and most importantly, Aaden needs more of me than I’m able to give at this point; defeat at its best. I don’t seem to have it in me to do what needs to be done and I’m becoming discouraged. This pregnancy has been the hardest of my 3 so far, emotionally and physically. I am sicker than I’ve ever been, and if you saw me through my pregnancies with the boys, this means a lot. I have no energy because the constant nausea and occasional vomiting wears me out. I’m well aware that these are all “typical” pregnancy woes that many women experience, the cherry on top of this is, I don’t even know if this baby is okay. I know the comments I will get on this one: God is in control, hand your concerns over to God, don’t even speak of this baby being sick, only speak positive things, everything is going to be fine, on and on and on; I know you all mean well, but those words are not comforting. God was in control with Thomas and His plan was to take him; who am I to assume He has different plans with this baby? Because I am so sick and worn down, I can’t take the time out that I need to with Aaden. He is used to a different life than I’m able to provide at this point. He cries when he knows his daddy has to work because that means he’s stuck at home with me; I can’t say I blame him. I’m falling down on the job. Every single day he asks me if my tummy is feeling better and I can’t say yes because it’s not. We still haven’t told the kids that I’m pregnant because I want to be able to tell them, from the start, whether or not this baby will get to come home. I can’t fill them up with hope of a sibling just to rip it away from them again; until then, Aaden will just have to think I’ve come across the worst stomach bug in circulation.
We have an ultrasound coming up on March 9th that will determine if this baby has Anencephaly or not and I’m an uncontrollable ball of nerves. I have played through each scenario in my head a million times, I do it daily; trust me, I don’t want to beat myself up like this, I can’t seem to help it. I have tried to imagine how I will feel if they say, EVERYTHING LOOKS GOOD; what will my reaction be?? Will I cry? Will I scream? Will I lay there in disbelief? Will I immediately start texting people? Will I keep the good news to myself because I’m too scared to celebrate? I don’t know how I will feel; I hope I feel nothing but pure relief and joy. I have also tried to imagine how I will feel if they say the words I dread hearing and I always fall apart. I try to determine whether or not it will hit me in the same raw fashion that it did with Thomas or if my lack of blissful ignorance will soften the blow. Is it easier to hear it for a 2nd time than it was the first time when I still lived in the “that will never happen to me” world?!? I’m half way expecting it so it should be easier to accept, right? Doubtful!
Aaron and I could use your prayers right now! I think this one has gotten the best of us both. I am trying to remain positive and in touch with the fact that this is all out of my hands, but that’s far easier said than done!