05-19-11 / Gut Wrenching Pain…..
Tomorrow marks the 3 week anniversary of the first time I held an angel. I cannot believe it’s already been 3 weeks, part of me feels like it was just yesterday and the other part of me feels like it happened years ago; very hard to explain. It seems we have stayed so busy during these last few weeks that we haven’t had time to “think”. The house is becoming quieter and life is going back to “normal”, whatever that means. We are beginning the rollercoaster ride of grief all over again. When will this end?
All day Tuesday my thoughts were consumed with Thomas. I’m beginning to feel angry when people tell me he’s with me all the time. I don’t want my baby to be “with me all the time”, I want him to be here in my arms and physically with me! I don’t want to think of my baby in a spiritual sense, I want to be able to kiss him, squeeze him, hold him, love on him, change his poopy diapers, complain about not getting enough sleep, place him in the bed with his daddy, brother, puppy and myself so I can later say I wish I hadn’t created this monster; ultimately, I long to be his mommy and to be the one that makes his world spin. I long to be the one he runs to when he’s sad, hurt and most of all when he’s so happy that he can’t wait to wrap his arms around my neck and show me that he loves me. I want to be happy just imagining him playing with Jesus and the angels, but that’s just not doing the trick at this point. I want my baby back. I can remember at one very low point in the hospital, sobbing in emotional pain and yelling, “I want THIS baby, I don’t want to have another baby, I want THIS one!” I realize I was behaving like a spoiled rotten child, but I truly felt like lying on the floor, kicking and screaming at God for choosing my baby to take back!
By Tuesday night I was ready to just crawl in my bed, bury my face in my pillow and sob. Aaron passed out long before Aaden and I could, we had taken a late nap that was haunting us at bed time; we couldn’t sleep to save our lives! Aaron is a sleep talker so when I heard him mumble the word “seizure” I tuned in. I knew he was dreaming of Thomas but I had no idea how bad it would get. He began saying, “it’s ok, it’s ok” over and over again in the same tone he would use when we were comforting Thomas through a seizure; I knew I needed to wake him up. Before I got over to his side to wake him, Aaden had already rolled over there and was snuggled up to him holding his hand. When I woke him up he was breathing so heavy and was in a state of panic. I told him he was talking in his sleep and he burst into tears and began to express to me how vivid the dream was. I have been complaining because I haven’t had any dreams of Thomas at all since he passed, but if my dreams are going to be like that I don’t want to have them.
Wednesday was torture. I was fighting back tears every single time I turned around. I know people say I need to grieve and get it all out, but everyone has to realize that I still have a 3 year old here at home that doesn’t quite understand this ride we’re on. I’m trying to hold it together for him. I spent most of the day looking through his pictures. I found a video on Aaron’s phone that I had completely forgotten about, it was one from the Saturday after he was born, he was sucking a pacifier; I couldn’t stop watching it. We had taken Aaden to school that morning since it was his last day for the year and decided we would make a run by the cemetery. We waited until after we picked Aaden up to go out there and I’m not sure that was the best idea. When we pulled up he asked us where all the people were, his last memory of that place is one filled with tons of people and he didn’t understand why they weren’t still there. He kept asking why we were there and I finally said, “we’re here to see baby Thomas”; huge mistake. He lit up! He was so excited to see baby Thomas and kept saying it over and over. As I was saying the words, “we’re here to see baby Thomas” I knew it was the wrong thing to say but I just couldn’t stop myself. He kept saying, “where is he mommy, I want to see him”. I didn’t know what to say to him. How do you explain to a 3 year old that his baby brother has passed away and we can’t physically see him?? It’s impossible to do!! I quickly said, “I’m sorry baby, I was wrong, baby Thomas isn’t here”. He threw a fit! He wanted to see him and he began demanding that I produce him! It took all that was within me to hold it together because, honestly, I felt the same way! Once we got to the area where Thomas is buried, Aaden immediately started climbing on the Jesus statue and Aaron and I began to clean up around the grave. The flowers that were left there after his service were dead and needed to be thrown away. I knelt down by his grave for the longest time and fought back tears. I never pictured myself as one of those people that would sit and talk to a grave, but I find myself wanting to talk to him. As I was kneeling there I had an overwhelming urge to start digging; crazy, I know, but I did. I just kept thinking that he’s not that far away, I could dig him up and hold him one more time. My hands were literally on the grass over his grave, burning to hold him.
That night was almost more than I could bear. I found myself tearing up at everything. I just needed a good cry. I climbed in the bathtub and sat in the hot water just crying and looking at his pictures. When I was finally ready for bed, Aaden decided he would come to bed with me; as we were lying there he was being ridiculously silly in an attempt to avoid sleep. I turned away from him for a bit and started sobbing, he had pulled the pillow case off of Aaron’s pillow and had stuffed himself into it and was calling himself a ghost. In the middle of his silliness, he apparently heard me crying; I tried to be quiet so he wouldn’t hear me but I wasn’t successful. He stopped in mid sentence and said, “are you sad mommy?” I turned around and said, “yes, baby, mommy is very sad”. He instantly crawled out of the pillowcase and into my arms and squeezed as tight as he could. He never said a word, he just snuggled me while I cried and twirled my hair until he went to sleep. That warmed my heart and made me so proud. My little boy can be a handful, he can be stubborn and he hates to share, but he has a big heart and he loves his mommy. Aaron finally came to bed after his shower and I asked him to put Aaden in his bed for a bit. When he crawled back in with me, we just held each other and sobbed. I expressed to him that I am in physical pain, my body is physically aching to hold my child. He was a part of me for 36 weeks, while he was on this earth he never left my sight and now I can't do the one thing I need to do; hold him. We cried ourselves to sleep, wondering when we would feel happy again.
Today was a better day. I woke up with pink eye, which is a bummer, but all in all we had a great day together. Tomorrow will be hard on all of us. Aaron has been off work for 3 weeks now and tomorrow is his first day back. I know he is dreading it and so am I. We know that life must go on, we know that things have to get back to “normal”; I just don’t know if we know what our “normal” is yet.