January 12, 2012 – Learning to Trust Again…..
By the time I got to my computer this morning and turned it on I wasn’t really geared up for reading devotionals; I’m so glad I went ahead and fought the urge to delete it! The title of this morning’s devotion was “Learning to Trust Again” and I felt it just might speak to me. Then Jesus said, “Did I not tell you that if you believe, you will see the glory of God?” John 11:40. This was the opening verse of my Proverbs 31 Ministries devotion and it was so fitting at this very moment.
I have been walking through the last few days in fear, sprinkled with a little bit of doubt. I am at a point where I know that God is bigger than life, I know that His plan will prevail no matter how much I worry about things and I know that He has a plan for my family. After Thomas passed away I felt an indescribable peace, one that only comes from Heaven, but I also had an unwanted grasp on the fact that MY plans will not ever be carried out, only God’s plans will be carried out and that leaves me feeling a tad bit helpless. I am a person that loves to hold the reins, I love to know how things will play out and when I cannot “fix” things it upsets me greatly; turning my life over to God in the literal sense is not easy for me. I struggle with this daily, I struggle with letting go of the things I have zero control over and saying, “okay God, do Your thing”. I have never felt betrayed by God, I have always recognized Thomas’ life as God’s will and a life that changed the lives of people I will never meet, I have questioned God’s reasoning but never doubted His love for me; it’s time for the ultimate test of my faith. Drum roll please……We are going to have another baby!
How I handle these next several months will show me where I am in my faith in God and here is why; I’M SCARED TO DEATH! I think it’s only natural that we have some serious reservations going into this pregnancy, but at the same time I have to rely on the same God that has gotten me so far in this past year, to get me through this season as well. It’s so easy for us to tell other’s “just trust in God, He has a plan for you”, “God doesn’t give us more than we can handle” and my least favorite of them all, “if God brings you to it, He will bring you through it”. I think people say these things for many reasons, but when you’re walking on the hot coals yourself, they’re less than comforting! I know that God has a plan, but this is how I think; God also had a plan for Thomas, what if he has that same plan for this baby? What if we get more bad news? What if I miscarry? What if this baby is born with severe handicapping conditions? What if, what if, what if! I know that all parents go through this to an extent, but when you’ve gone through something like we’ve gone through; it’s magnified to the point of intense discomfort. Aaron is surprisingly positive and overly excited; I’m surprisingly realistic, somewhat pessimistic and cautiously excited; our roles have reversed! I need to let go of the fears and just know that God has got this and He knows what is best for our lives; everything He does is based on His love for us. God does allow us to walk through the valley and then uses that for spiritual growth; I feel like I have grown and now I am ready for my mountaintop!
We have a few fun facts about this pregnancy:
- · I took the first test, that was FAINTLY positive, the day before Aaden’s birthday.
- · I had blood work done on Aaden’s birthday.
- · We received confirmation from Dr. Sherman the day after Aaden’s birthday.
- · We will be 19 weeks into this pregnancy on Thomas’ birthday, we found out at 19 weeks that Thomas was “incompatible with life”, that makes this a significant marker.
- · This baby is due the day after my birthday.
I can already see God’s hands all over this pregnancy and I am praying it all works out this time around! I am informing everyone so early because we NEED your prayers. There are some things that I want to ask that you specifically pray for where this pregnancy is concerned.
- · First and foremost, please pray for the health of this baby!!!
- · Please pray for mine and Aaron’s sanity and honestly, the sanity of our family and close friends.
- · Please pray for Dr. Sherman and her staff.
- · Please pray that we are able to rely on God throughout this entire 9 months and never lose faith in His purpose for our lives.
- · Please pray that we make all the right decisions where prenatal testing is concerned.
Thank you all for your ongoing support for the last year; there will be more to this story!