July 18, 2011 / Some ask me how I do it…….
“This is what the Lord says: Cursed are those who put their trust in mere humans, who rely on human strength and turn their heads away from the Lord. They are like stunted shrubs in the desert, with no hope for the future. They will live in the barren wilderness, in an uninhabited salty land. But blessed are those who trust in the Lord and have made the Lord their hope and confidence. They are like trees planted along a riverbank, with roots that reach deep into the water. Such trees are not bothered by the heat or worried by long months of drought. Their leaves stay green and they never stop producing fruit. The human heart is the most deceitful of all things, and desperately wicked. Who really knows how bad it is? But I, the Lord, search all hearts and examine secret motives. I give all people their due rewards, according to what their actions deserve.”
I really had no way to answer this question when people would ask until it hit me yesterday morning in church. Sure, I can say, prayer, God’s help, support of family and friends, blah blah blah; but that didn’t really answer the question of “how do you do it?”. It states explicitly in the bible that those who place their faith in human strength alone will suffer. I can’t say that I have been the best Christian and I will not profess to be that now; what I can say is that I have a deep rooted faith in someone far bigger than myself and THAT is how I get through this. I am in the company, through online venues, of hundreds of moms that have walked the exact path I’m on, along with some that are just starting out; watching them go through this without faith is hard for me. It’s very hard to sit back and say, “God says this, God says that” because I know that’s the last thing they want to hear. It’s also very hard for me to KNOW of a way to ease their pain and have no way to share it with them without stepping on an already damaged soul. God and Christianity seem to be a bit too abstract for many people and I can understand why. Placing your faith in what you cannot see seems absolutely insane, but I am proof that it works. I am proof that God is real and He will literally carry you through times like these.
When you lose a child, it is very tempting to become bitter. It is easy to begin to despise people with healthy babies, especially those idiots that take their babies for granted. It is easy to be mad at God and anyone else in your path. It is easy to sink into the “why me” hole and never come back out. I had to make a choice to rise above all of this. I had to decide for myself that I had plenty of things to live for. When I speak of things to live for please don’t think that I ever considered ending my life; that was never an option or so much as a passing thought. I don’t want to just exist on this earth, I don’t want to look back when Aaden is grown and wish I had pulled myself up and out of the “why me” hole, I don’t want to walk around angry and bitter, I don’t want my skin to crawl when I hear other babies crying; I want to live an abundant life. I have true joy in my heart, not to be mistaken with a careless mindset about losing my baby boy; I still have days where I cry all day long for no other reason than my arms just long for my baby. My point is, I just have a God given joy that will allow me to be happy, with bad days here and there, while I grieve my son.
I have recently encountered people that have not heard our story and when I share it with them my heart breaks; not for me, but for them. I sat with a woman in the break room at VBS and comforted her as she wiped the tears away from her face after hearing of our situation. Part of me wonders what is going through their minds as they sit there crying and I sit with a smile on my face; this is when I typically feel the need to explain myself to them. I try to let people know that we have had our time to grieve and we GRIEVED; now it’s our time to celebrate him for who he is and what he was able to do in his 3 short days on this earth.
We had dinner with friends last night after church and I had the pleasure of holding baby Wyatt through our entire meal! I have spoken of him often throughout my blog, but for those that don’t know who he is; he’s Thomas’ best friend. He was born 2 weeks before Thomas and I cherish each moment I get to spend with him. When I hold him, my mind tends to drift into thoughts of Thomas; I think it’s only natural. He’s built just like Aaden was as a baby so I feel certain that’s exactly how Thomas would be built, he has a beautiful round face and big blue eyes, he’s completely bald like Aaden was and oh so fat! I know that Wyatt is Wyatt, but for me, he’s a reminder of the precious life I lost and what he would have been like. I share this with you because I read of so many women that can’t even bring themselves to be around another baby, much less hold them for hours; it is not of my own doing that I find joy in Wyatt, that’s God for ya!
I feel the need to include this disclaimer:
I, in no way, feel I’m better than anyone. I recognize that I do not always live my life the way I should. I am well aware that, at times, a perfect stranger would not be able to tell if I’m a Christian or not. I do occasionally let my mouth speak before my mind thinks. I have my flaws, tons of them, so please do not think I’m trying to preach to you. I just wanted to share the real reason I’m able to get through this, one day at a time; it has nothing to do with ME, it has everything to do with my faith that God will carry me to the next day.
|Aaden, almost 3 months old|
|Wyatt, a little over 2 months old|