July 10, 2011 / The Boy is missing his brother…..
We have had a very full day to say the least; up bright and early for church, then lunch, then back to church to prepare for a week of bible school; loads of fun but I’m wiped out! As I was doing our nightly routine, if that’s what you want to call it, it came down to story time so I piled into the racecar bed with both kids and Mia (the dog) to begin the story process. Aaden always sits in my lap but since Kamryn is here with us this weekend I have to make one sit on each side of me so there’s no fighting and Aaden did something a little different tonight. He grabbed his Baby Thomas doll and sat him in his lap for story time; he has never done that before. I finished all FOUR books and we all said our goodnights, gave out kisses and Kamryn took off for her bed overly excited about bible school in the morning. I was trying to get Aaden settled in, which includes getting Mia settled right next to him and Baby Thomas laying on his chest. I covered him and Baby Thomas up and went to kiss him and he fussed at me and said, “don’t cover up Baby Thomas, he’s not cold!” So I uncovered him and Aaden got a somewhat sad look on his face and said, “this isn’t Baby Thomas.” When I asked him who it was then, he answer, “it’s just a baby”. Broke my heart! So I asked him to tell me where Baby Thomas was if that wasn’t him and he said, “he’s at the Dr., can I go see him?” I tried to explain to him that he’s not, in fact, at the Dr but that he was living with Jesus and he wanted no part of that explanation. He started yelling at me saying, “he’s at the big Dr., you were there with him, I want to see the big Baby Thomas” (I guess he’s calling him big because he is big compared to his baby doll) “he’s my brother mommy, I want to see him”. I moved my head behind him so he couldn’t see me crying and couldn’t come up with any explanation to offer an innocent 3 year old that’s tired of pretending that a baby doll is his brother and talking to a giant piece of granite at a hot cemetery. I know people are going to say, “it’s ok to cry in front of him, he needs to see that you get upset, blah blah blah”; it’s not ok when the topic I’m sobbing over is too abstract for him to wrap his tiny mind around! He doesn’t get that we buried his brother, he doesn’t get that he’s never going to get to see him again this side of Heaven, he doesn’t get that I’m sad because my arms are empty and longing to hold him and his brother at bedtime and my heart literally hurts because a piece of it is missing; in his mind, his brother is still sitting at the Dr. and we clearly should be visiting him. Just when I thought we had somehow protected him from this heartache, I’m proven wrong. I talked with other parents that had children around Aaden’s age when their babies were born and passed; they all claimed that their children have no recollection of the baby they lost but Aaden clearly does. He remembers him vividly, part of me is thankful for that and part of me hurts for him.
I am hurting for my boy tonight because it seems to just be really dawning on him that someone is missing from our family and that someone is supposed to be a huge part of his life.
Now I will pull myself together and refocus on the upcoming week of bible school with my kids! They’re both super pumped and I’d be lying if I said I’m not equally as excited!!