06-21-11 / One of THOSE days.....

06-21-11 / What a trying day……

As a mom, these days are sometimes more frequent than we’d like! I woke up with a pounding headache and my face felt like it might explode due to a lovely amount of snot build-up in my sinuses; glamorous, I know. I was so excited about just lying in bed while Aaron and Aaden hit the gym; after all, I hadn’t slept a wink all night long. It seems I can’t lay my head down anymore and just sleep, that “sleep” has to be accompanied with strange dreams that leave me feeling exhausted every single morning; last night was no different. It’s creating a very cranky mommy and wife! I’m beginning to feel overwhelmed by housework, yard work, bills and everything that goes along with being an adult, today it was mommyhood!

Today was one of those days where Aaden, who I fondly refer to as “the boy” most of the time, wants to cry about everything; literally cry! I’m one of those moms that would like to see blood or a broken bone if I hear this type of crying, it’s not music to my ears; it drives me nuts! Every single time I turned around today he was crying over something. He decided it was a good idea to smack Mailee, the new puppy, in the face and when she bit him, he cried. My response to that was, I would have bitten you too so suck it up. He spilled his bubbles outside and instead of just asking if I could grab him more bubbles he immediately went into a state of panic, screaming like someone was trying to kidnap him. When I told him he could not have gummies accompanied with macaroni and cheese for dinner, another meltdown. We decided to make a late night run to sonic so I could grab a Cherry Coke and he could have some sweet tea; a drop of his tea landed on his foot and, you guessed it, sobbing began!! Days like this make me want to lock myself in my room until the entire house is asleep; I wasn’t so fortunate so I had to regroup and refocus.

So many people have emailed me sharing how our story has inspired them and made them re-evaluate how they view their own children. I’m like any other parent; I have days where I just want to put blinders on, earplugs in and completely deny the fact that I have children. Some days, as a parent, are simply too hard and I want to throw in the towel. The difference between a good parent and a bad parent is this, a good parent has those thoughts then puts on their big kid pants and pushes through; a bad parent can’t do that. I don’t think having bad days with your children makes you a bad parent; I think it makes you normal. I can say that Thomas taught me that at the end of the day, especially days like this, I need to take the time to make sure I acknowledge the things I love most about my children.

Aaden is the type of kid that lives each moment with passion, passionate kids can be amazing as long as their passion is of a positive nature. Today he clearly wasn’t feeling terribly positive but as we were getting ready for bed I was reminded of who he really is. Every single night I read to him, I let him pick two books; he always picks his bible and most of the time he picks a dinosaur book. Tonight he conveniently picked 4 books; the bible, dinosaur book, bug book and rainbow book; stalling much?? As I was getting ready to tell him that I was not reading 4 books and he was just trying to stay up later, I quickly caught a glimpse of the beautiful reality that I’m blessed to have this time with him. I will never get to read any books to Thomas, I will never get to tell him no to 4 books because we only read 2, I will never get to tell him the very cool story of David and Goliath (boys think it’s super cool because of the weapons and death by stones), I will never get to tell him I will read 4 stories only if he gives me kisses, I will never get to lay next to Thomas at night until he falls asleep. The things I will never get to do with my precious angel help me take note of them when the opportunity arises with Aaden.

After our stories were read, I showed him some pictures of my friend’s baby girl; she is due to have another heart operation on July 5th and is only 3 months old! When I first pulled up her picture he got super excited and said, “is that baby Thomas?” I told him it wasn’t baby Thomas but it was baby Harper and she has a bobo on her heart; the look on his face melted my heart. He said he didn’t like that and he wanted her fixed. That’s the passion I’m talking about. He loves from the right place. He doesn’t know baby Harper but he absolutely does not like the fact that she has a bobo on her heart. He sleeps with a baby doll that we got him for Christmas to prepare him to be a big brother, we got it before we knew that Thomas was sick; his doll has a special name; baby Thomas. I catch him feeding him and rocking him. He talks to him like he’s a real baby. Before Thomas was born I couldn’t get him to touch that doll, now it seems to fill a void for him; a void that he probably doesn’t even know exists. Aaron said when they were leaving the gym today Aaden spotted his keychain with Thomas’ picture on it and asked if it was baby Thomas; when Aaron said it was Aaden took it from him and kissed it. When we go to the cemetery he knows we are there to see Thomas but I know he doesn’t “get it”; when we left on Father’s Day he said, “bye baby Thomas, I love you.” He looked at me the other day and said, “mommy, you’re the best” and he tells me I’m beautiful and I’m his favorite all the time. Aaron asked him earlier today if he was his boy and he quickly said, “no, I’m mama’s boy”. It really depends on which day you catch him on because he goes back and forth between being mama’s boy and daddy’s boy. When I don’t feel well he hugs me and says I need to go see Dr. Derrick so I will feel better. When Aaron and I look sad, he’s sad with us. His heart is pure and honest. These are the things I love about my son. His passion can be frustrating but the good that comes from it far outweighs the bad.

As my blogs become more about our family on earth, please know that our family on earth is what it is today because of our angel in heaven. My bond with my children has never been stronger and my marriage has never been better; all thanks to Thomas, the most amazing baby I’ve ever had the pleasure of holding in my arms.

06-10-11 / Thank You Time....

06-10-11 / Thank You….

I know I said I would write this a while back and I have had great intentions; those intentions just didn’t seem to turn into actions. I think part of me is so afraid to write this because I’m mortified that I might leave someone out; if I do, please know that I haven’t forgotten your acts of kindness or the love you’ve shown my family, I’m just unable to get my thoughts together at this given point in time. So many people have touched our lives through this journey with Thomas and I could never repay any of you, I can only say a giant “thank you” for all that you have done.

Prayer Warriors:

Thank you for your willingness to pray over our family! Just before we released the balloons at Thomas’s service I spoke a few jumbled words and part of that speech was to thank you guys for your prayers. I have to confess that we had just stopped praying, as bad as that sounds, it’s true. I think, for me, it just became so laborious and tiresome. So many people said I should pray for a miracle, but until you’re faced with something like this, you just don’t know how hard that is to do. I never once prayed for a miracle, I never once asked God to “give me my way”; I simply asked that His will be done. Over time I hated that prayer, I hated letting go of all control and telling God to put me through the worst pain that any parent can experience; so I just gave up. I can honestly say, the only way we made it through all of this in one piece was because of prayers; not ours, yours!

Our Family:

When we first found out about the fate of our baby boy we were so devastated. I couldn’t tell anyone, Aaron had to do all the dirty work. I couldn’t even begin to bring myself to call my parents to tell them what was happening, but the moment he called them they were on their way to Beaumont to do whatever needed doing; it just so happened what needed doing was to take Aaden away from the depressing cloud hanging over our home until we could get our heads right. Every single person in our family stepped up to the plate. We all walked this journey together; the toughest journey of all of our lives so far and we made it! I know this is the hardest thing my parents have had to be a part of, not only losing their grandbaby, but also watching as Aaron and I struggled with losing our baby. Each of you played a part in all of this and you know the part you played. I thank you from the bottom of my heart! You all love Aaron and I unconditionally, no matter what; you have shown us what “family” means and we will never forget it!

Our Friends (who also happen to be a part of our family):

Every single one of you has impacted our lives as much as you think we’ve impacted yours. You have all hurt with us, cried with us, laughed with us, rejoiced with us and mourned with us. We love all of you so much and are so thankful for your friendship! Some of you sat at the hospital with us that entire weekend, skipping showers, without toothbrushes, missing quality sleep and good meals so you could be there “just in case”. We had so many visitors, so many of you stopped in to share in the joy that Thomas brought to all of our lives for the short time he was here. We have made so many new friends along this path that I am thrilled to call my friends. In tragedy there can be happiness and I consider my new friendships a source of happiness. All of you that worked so hard to raise money for our family, those that were there for me every single time I needed to cry, those that brought me books, made us gifts, brought us dinner and brought gifts for Thomas even though you knew he wouldn’t get to “use” them. The texts, emails, cards and phone calls we would receive daily meant the world to us. Thank you all for just being our friends and doing what friends do. Whatever it took to get us through this, you did it.

Dr. Sherman and staff:

I’m not sure how many of you follow this, but I wouldn’t dream of leaving this group of people out! What an amazing experience this has been. From such tragedy came so much love, love from a doctor, her team of nurses and staff. It’s not everyday that you are able to encounter a medical team like the one I had the pleasure of receiving treatment from. All of you hold such a special place in my heart, from Dr. Sherman down to the sweet lady that would always laugh with us as she scheduled our next appointment. There truly is no way to thank all of you, there is no way to repay you for the extraordinary treatment I received; please just know that all of you are loved by my entire family. Thank you so much for making this terrible journey a little less painful.

Through God’s Eyes Photography (Lee-Ann Alpers):

Where do I begin? From the moment we decided to announce our sad news to everyone, you have stepped up to the plate. I remember receiving the email from you offering your services on the day of Thomas’s birth; you will always be special to me! You have taken our family photos since Kamryn was 6 months old, that’s 5 years! What you did for our family is something that cannot hold a price tag! Those memories are priceless and we all thank you from the bottom of our hearts!

Haute Photography (Casey Sturrock):

We have been friends for many years and I won’t get all mushy because I know you don’t like that! I love you so much and will always cherish our friendship! You were there from beginning to the end, you were way stronger at the hospital than I thought you would be; I’m so proud of you. I’m proud of the work you do; you’re an amazing photographer and an amazing friend. I love you! That’s all!

BBS:

Aaron and I have the honor of wearing our baby boy’s thumbprint around our necks daily and that’s because of two women. Monica at BBS, a little boutique in Beaumont, was kind enough to allow one of my closest friends, Lauren, to imprint his thumb and return it to her to create an amazing keepsake that we will always wear close to our hearts. I’m so thankful that you thought to do this, Lauren. Without you and Monica, we wouldn’t have such a priceless treasure!

St. Elizabeth NICU Team:

What a special group of people! I never dreamed I would have to deal with a NICU team in the birth of one of my own children, but I can honestly say that I wouldn’t have made it without all of you. Each one of you played such an important and special role in the life of our baby boy and I will never forget any of you! We were so blessed by your willingness to serve our entire family and we are all better people after having met each of you. I don’t know that I could do what you do every single day. I was reminded through all of this that I once dreamed of working as a NICU nurse; I do remember having a passion for that line of work, but I also knew that I couldn’t handle the sadness that went along with it. Some of you became more attached to our situation than others, but each of you will always be a vivid memory for me. I have so many special memories with each nurse, but one is so cute that I have to share it. I might have shared it in a previous Blog, so bear with me if that’s the case. This sweet nurse came in on Sunday to kiss Thomas before she left. This might not seem odd, but before she kissed him she said she was so mad at herself for not kissing him when she left the last time she saw him and she was so glad she had a chance to do it then. As she leaned in for a kiss on the cheek, Thomas turned his head and planted one right on her lips. It was so sweet and hilarious at the same time. This was just hours before he passed away and he was mostly nonresponsive; he clearly needed that one kiss from a hot lady! Thank you all for the support you showed Aaron and myself. Thank you for the support and love you showed our family and friends that just refused to leave the hospital. Thank you for never complaining when we buzzed you into our room because we had a scare, big or small. Thank you for just being you and doing the job you do; it has forever changed our lives!

Bro. David and Mrs. Wanda Trumble:

What you did for us is simply off the charts. What would we have done without you? I hadn’t really considered how hard it would be to hand my baby over to the funeral home after he passed; when it came down to that moment I am so glad you were there. You were so kind and patient, you didn’t rush me, you gave me all the time I needed to say “goodbye” to my baby; for that I will always be grateful! The hardest thing I had to do through all of this was to hand my baby to you and watch you drive away. The fact that I knew you loved him made it a tiny bit easier. The fact that when I handed him to you, Mrs. Wanda, you had a blanket ready to swaddle him and hold him tight the entire way to the funeral home made it a tiny bit easier. The fact that you guys are two special people in the lives of our family also made it a tiny bit easier. I know it was very hard for both of you to do, but you did it with such dignity and love; thank you!

Claybar Funeral Home (Orange, Texas):

Hershel Stagner did an incredible job making sure we got everything we wanted. My dad handled every single arrangement leading up to the birth of Thomas; I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. Hershel is a friend of his and has been so gracious and kind throughout all of this. After we handed Thomas to the Trumbles I got it in my head that I wanted to go see him every day leading up to his funeral; I wanted to go sit with him at the funeral home until I was forced to bury him. When I voiced this to my dad he immediately got the ball rolling and somehow the ball fell into Hershel’s lap. He stepped up and personally prepared Thomas in a way that they don’t normally do with infants. He informed Dad that Thomas was in good shape and could be viewed soon, but he wasn’t able to promise that he would remain in such good shape; he wanted us to come as soon as we could. The first day that we went to see Thomas at the funeral home was such an incredible feeling. I remember walking into the room and becoming almost joyful, the words that came out of my mouth were, “it’s him”. I don’t know who I was expecting to see, but my heart became so happy just seeing my baby boy again. Hershel was so kind and patient, he allowed us to hold him and love on him in the privacy of a closed room. He shared with us that we could stay until closing time if we wanted, but that he felt it would be best for us to spend as much time with him that day as we wanted because he wasn’t sure he would look so good in the days to follow. After spending time kissing him, holding him and soaking in all of his features one last time we decided to leave and thought that would be our last time with him. Hershel called us daily asking if we’d like to come see him; it meant so much to us that he took the time to check on Thomas and then call us to let us know that he still looked good and we were welcome to come sit with him. What an amazing man he is and what an amazing funeral home we had the pleasure of working with. Thank you Claybar for the work you do, but most of all, thank you, Hershel for being who you are.

Calvary V2 band (Justin and William):

Thank you for the beautiful music! I was dreading having the typical “funeral music” played at my son’s service and you did exactly what I wanted; uplifting, praise and worship! Thank you for being so willing to serve.

I could never thank each person that played a part in all of this, if I did, this would be the longest Blog ever! I do have one last person that I would like to thank and that’s Pam Gaspard. The boys and I were able to get away from life this week and it is all thanks to her. I emailed Pam a while back asking if we could rent her lake house for a few nights after we had a chance to recover from everything and she was so quick to respond. Not only did she say we could use her lake house, she refused to allow us to pay for it. We were able to just relax and enjoy each other for a while. Living in this mess daily becomes very taxing. Aaden’s entire world has been turned upside down and his behavior reflects that. Aaron and I have been able to grow as a couple and as parents, but needed a break from reality. Our reality hasn’t been too much fun this year. 2011 has been the worst year of my life, but this week at the lake was the start of something fresh. We took time to just be a family and ignore everything bad. We spent time thinking of Thomas and wishing he was with us. We collected shells, sand and even a pinecone to bring back for him. He will always be a part of us, he will always be missed on family vacations and in everyday life; we are just ready to celebrate the time we had with him and push forward in life. I will never use the term “move on”; I hate that term! I will never “move on” from my baby, I will never be able to say, “I’ve moved on from the loss of my child”; I will simply push forward and make the most of each day, the same way I would if he was here with me!

It is late and I am very tired! If I have left you out of this “thank you” Blog, please know that I haven’t forgotten; my mind just gets boggled.

Thank you all for loving my family the way you do!

Gathering sand for Thomas

This is the pinecone he picked for his brother!

05-31-11 / Hebrews 11 – Living a Memorable Life….

05-31-11 / Hebrews 11 – Living a Memorable Life….

This past Sunday was a sermon that was aimed right at me. I know it was meant for the men and women that serve our country but I took it as a sermon meant for my Thomas. As soon as the pastor said he would be preaching on how to live a memorable life, I couldn’t get my baby boy out of my head. He read from Hebrews, the entire 11^th chapter to be exact. I have to admit my mind wandered from time to time as he was reading but for the most part I followed along. Most of what he read didn’t really apply to Thomas directly but as he summed things up, it became abundantly clear to me what type of person my boy is. There came a point in the sermon where the pastor said there are 3 types of people and that we all fall into one of the 3 categories.

The person you try to forget – This is that person in your life that you wish you could wipe from your memory. This person has done nothing but cause pain and anguish to you or your family. For obvious reasons, you would not wish to be this person, but the sad truth is; there are plenty of these people in our lives.

The person you accidentally forget – This person is the one that has gone their entire life and made so little impact that you forget them on accident. Personally, I don’t wish to be this person either. I would hope that I have impacted someone’s life enough to be worth remembering.

The person you simply cannot forget – This is the person that you couldn’t forget even if you tried. This person has lived a life that is not only pleasing to you but one that is pleasing to God. This person has made mistakes, but has been humble enough to beg for forgiveness of those mistakes.

Figuring out which category you belong to might be tough, I’m sure those around you could assist you with that. I couldn’t say which category I belong to but I can say, without a single doubt, my Thomas is a person that people won’t easily forget. His little 3 day life impacted more people than mine ever will. I was beaming with pride throughout that entire sermon and left feeling so fulfilled; I am more than aware that the sermon was not about my baby boy, but it felt that way to me. As I struggle with the daily task of finding things that uplift me instead of bringing me down, Sunday was a day that I just felt uplifted.

That evening I received a text from my mom asking if I knew who had placed some purple and yellow flowers, a stuffed puppy and a note at Thomas’s grave; I hadn’t the slightest clue. None of our friends had mentioned going by there and we hadn’t put those items there either. Last week, Aaron and I had taken a garden butterfly and a solar powered lantern out there (so Thomas would never be in the dark), but those items weren’t there at that time. They had gone by there on Sunday to see how the grave looked with those things we had placed there and the flag that one of our family friends had placed out there for memorial day; that’s when they noticed the new additions. She sent me a picture of the grave and then a picture of the sweet note that was left; I was hoping to recognize the handwriting but neither of us did. The note simply said, “You are an angel that we have only met through your mommy. Rest peacefully little Thomas, we will always love you.” It was driving me crazy that I hadn’t the slightest clue who had left such a sweet message for my little one so I decided to resort to Facebook; I simply asked that the person that had left it please let me know who they were; she was kind enough to email me a little while later. The girl that had left this sweet gesture for Thomas was a girl that neither I, nor Aaron have ever met. She is just a precious soul that has been faithfully following our story. In her email she stated that she didn’t want to freak me out by leaving something there, as she was a perfect stranger. I shared with her that it meant so much more to me that it was from a person that had never met our family. I hope to find more things like this out there from time to time, from perfect strangers or those that know us well. After hearing the sermon on Sunday morning, these tiny gifts from a perfect stranger confirmed my thoughts about my Thomas and his life; he is certainly the type of person that you simply cannot forget; even if you only met him through a little blog that his mommy has written.

Thank you for loving my little angel!

Thank you for this! You know who you are!

05-19-11 / Gut Wrenching Pain…..

05-19-11 / Gut Wrenching Pain…..

Tomorrow marks the 3 week anniversary of the first time I held an angel. I cannot believe it’s already been 3 weeks, part of me feels like it was just yesterday and the other part of me feels like it happened years ago; very hard to explain. It seems we have stayed so busy during these last few weeks that we haven’t had time to “think”. The house is becoming quieter and life is going back to “normal”, whatever that means. We are beginning the rollercoaster ride of grief all over again. When will this end?

All day Tuesday my thoughts were consumed with Thomas. I’m beginning to feel angry when people tell me he’s with me all the time. I don’t want my baby to be “with me all the time”, I want him to be here in my arms and physically with me! I don’t want to think of my baby in a spiritual sense, I want to be able to kiss him, squeeze him, hold him, love on him, change his poopy diapers, complain about not getting enough sleep, place him in the bed with his daddy, brother, puppy and myself so I can later say I wish I hadn’t created this monster; ultimately, I long to be his mommy and to be the one that makes his world spin. I long to be the one he runs to when he’s sad, hurt and most of all when he’s so happy that he can’t wait to wrap his arms around my neck and show me that he loves me. I want to be happy just imagining him playing with Jesus and the angels, but that’s just not doing the trick at this point. I want my baby back. I can remember at one very low point in the hospital, sobbing in emotional pain and yelling, “I want THIS baby, I don’t want to have another baby, I want THIS one!” I realize I was behaving like a spoiled rotten child, but I truly felt like lying on the floor, kicking and screaming at God for choosing my baby to take back!

By Tuesday night I was ready to just crawl in my bed, bury my face in my pillow and sob. Aaron passed out long before Aaden and I could, we had taken a late nap that was haunting us at bed time; we couldn’t sleep to save our lives! Aaron is a sleep talker so when I heard him mumble the word “seizure” I tuned in. I knew he was dreaming of Thomas but I had no idea how bad it would get. He began saying, “it’s ok, it’s ok” over and over again in the same tone he would use when we were comforting Thomas through a seizure; I knew I needed to wake him up. Before I got over to his side to wake him, Aaden had already rolled over there and was snuggled up to him holding his hand. When I woke him up he was breathing so heavy and was in a state of panic. I told him he was talking in his sleep and he burst into tears and began to express to me how vivid the dream was. I have been complaining because I haven’t had any dreams of Thomas at all since he passed, but if my dreams are going to be like that I don’t want to have them.

Wednesday was torture. I was fighting back tears every single time I turned around. I know people say I need to grieve and get it all out, but everyone has to realize that I still have a 3 year old here at home that doesn’t quite understand this ride we’re on. I’m trying to hold it together for him. I spent most of the day looking through his pictures. I found a video on Aaron’s phone that I had completely forgotten about, it was one from the Saturday after he was born, he was sucking a pacifier; I couldn’t stop watching it. We had taken Aaden to school that morning since it was his last day for the year and decided we would make a run by the cemetery. We waited until after we picked Aaden up to go out there and I’m not sure that was the best idea. When we pulled up he asked us where all the people were, his last memory of that place is one filled with tons of people and he didn’t understand why they weren’t still there. He kept asking why we were there and I finally said, “we’re here to see baby Thomas”; huge mistake. He lit up! He was so excited to see baby Thomas and kept saying it over and over. As I was saying the words, “we’re here to see baby Thomas” I knew it was the wrong thing to say but I just couldn’t stop myself. He kept saying, “where is he mommy, I want to see him”. I didn’t know what to say to him. How do you explain to a 3 year old that his baby brother has passed away and we can’t physically see him?? It’s impossible to do!! I quickly said, “I’m sorry baby, I was wrong, baby Thomas isn’t here”. He threw a fit! He wanted to see him and he began demanding that I produce him! It took all that was within me to hold it together because, honestly, I felt the same way! Once we got to the area where Thomas is buried, Aaden immediately started climbing on the Jesus statue and Aaron and I began to clean up around the grave. The flowers that were left there after his service were dead and needed to be thrown away. I knelt down by his grave for the longest time and fought back tears. I never pictured myself as one of those people that would sit and talk to a grave, but I find myself wanting to talk to him. As I was kneeling there I had an overwhelming urge to start digging; crazy, I know, but I did. I just kept thinking that he’s not that far away, I could dig him up and hold him one more time. My hands were literally on the grass over his grave, burning to hold him.

That night was almost more than I could bear. I found myself tearing up at everything. I just needed a good cry. I climbed in the bathtub and sat in the hot water just crying and looking at his pictures. When I was finally ready for bed, Aaden decided he would come to bed with me; as we were lying there he was being ridiculously silly in an attempt to avoid sleep. I turned away from him for a bit and started sobbing, he had pulled the pillow case off of Aaron’s pillow and had stuffed himself into it and was calling himself a ghost. In the middle of his silliness, he apparently heard me crying; I tried to be quiet so he wouldn’t hear me but I wasn’t successful. He stopped in mid sentence and said, “are you sad mommy?” I turned around and said, “yes, baby, mommy is very sad”. He instantly crawled out of the pillowcase and into my arms and squeezed as tight as he could. He never said a word, he just snuggled me while I cried and twirled my hair until he went to sleep. That warmed my heart and made me so proud. My little boy can be a handful, he can be stubborn and he hates to share, but he has a big heart and he loves his mommy. Aaron finally came to bed after his shower and I asked him to put Aaden in his bed for a bit. When he crawled back in with me, we just held each other and sobbed. I expressed to him that I am in physical pain, my body is physically aching to hold my child. He was a part of me for 36 weeks, while he was on this earth he never left my sight and now I can't do the one thing I need to do; hold him. We cried ourselves to sleep, wondering when we would feel happy again.

Today was a better day. I woke up with pink eye, which is a bummer, but all in all we had a great day together. Tomorrow will be hard on all of us. Aaron has been off work for 3 weeks now and tomorrow is his first day back. I know he is dreading it and so am I. We know that life must go on, we know that things have to get back to “normal”; I just don’t know if we know what our “normal” is yet.  

05-14-11 / On A Happier Note……

05-14-11 / On A Happier Note……

I am so proud to write about a sweet little boy named Tyler. Let me start off by saying that there is a Blog in the works that I call my “Thank You” Blog. I am sad to say that I haven’t written thank you notes; I’m afraid I won’t get around to being able to write one to each person that deserves one. I have had more help on this journey than any person could dream up and I wish I had a way to thank every person that played a part. I have every intention of addressing each person through my “Thank You” Blog, but I felt this special person deserved his very own spot.

I am around children all day every single day, whether it’s at home or at my job. I see the selfish behavior and the self-centered desires of their hearts; we are all born this way. It says so much about a parent when you come across a child with a giving heart, a child that gives from the right place. My parents were those parents, they taught us to give from our heart, expecting nothing in return. It’s very refreshing when you come across other parents like this, but even more refreshing when you encounter their young children.

I was made aware of this particular little boy, Tyler, shortly after Thomas passed away. I was a bit fuzzy on the details of what he was wanting until we received a letter from his mommy in the mail; accompanied with letters from him. I believe Tyler is seven years old and is clearly a hard worker. His school was hosting a blood drive and he won a prize for being the kid to bring in the most blood donors. That gift was a $50.00 gift certificate to none other than Toys R Us; the best place on earth to any kid! I would have been beside myself if I had won such a fabulous prize when I was his age!

Tyler was somehow made aware of our situation. His mommy stated that he had heard of us and of the auction that was taking place for our family, but she didn’t feel he really understood it all. She explained that when he sat down and saw the pictures of Kamryn and Aaden holding Thomas he began to cry. As any mom would do, she then began to cry and asked him why he was crying. He told her, “it’s just so sad” and continued to say if it were his little sister, the gift card would make him feel better. This precious little one sent his $50.00 gift card to my children along with a note to each one of them.

People keep sharing with me what an example and inspiration I am, but examples and inspiration come in tiny packages too. What a selfless thing for this little boy to do, without prompting or pushing from any adult, he gave all he had to give. There is much to be learned from Tyler. Most adults don’t give like that; we always find a reason why we can’t afford to give or ways that we might need it more than the next person. This child, not knowing our family at all, gave until it hurt. I would love to be more like Tyler!

Thank you, Tyler, for being an amazing young man! I know your mommy is proud!

These are the precious notes that he sent my children, these will be cherished in the Thomas keepsake box forever!!

05-08-11 / Mother’s Day 2011 – First one without Thomas….

 05-08-11 / Mother’s Day 2011 – First one without Thomas….

I had no idea when Mother’s Day was this year, when I found out I was a tad bit devastated. I had no idea that Mother’s Day was going to be the day after we planned to bury our baby; I just knew it would be the worst Mother’s Day ever. I really began to dread this day as much as I dreaded the funeral services. While every other mother is celebrating their children, I was going to have to find a happy medium between celebrating mine and mourning Thomas; seemed impossible. I honestly didn’t think we would make it to church, but Aaron had it in his head that we were going so we did.

 We arrived to church early, 10:56 to be exact. We’re normally running into the childcare area to check the kids in and then briskly walking into church around 11:15; got to thinking maybe this was a good sign that we were so early on such an important day. I have never been to a different church for Mother’s Day, I’ve always been at my parents church, sitting with my mom; just couldn’t do it this year. I couldn’t face everyone at their church and then listen to my dad talk about honoring mothers when I had just said goodbye to my son. We walked into the service and the music was already in full force, our favorite part of our church is the music; today was no different. I was doing well, holding it together until one of the ministers got up to invite two families to the front to dedicate their babies and to say a few little words about mothers. As he began to pray, he prayed for those moms that were celebrating their first Mother’s Day with their babies and then those moms celebrating their first Mother’s Day after the loss of their baby; I lost it. It was more than I could take. Never in a million years would I dream that a prayer like that would be directed at me. Never did I think I would be one of those moms celebrating my first Mother’s Day without one of my children; it broke my heart that he was praying for me. Once his beautiful prayer had ended we were able to sing a few more praise and worship songs and ended with “Jesus Paid It All”, which was one of the songs they had performed at Thomas’s service; the water works started up again.

As Brother Nathan got up to speak I wasn’t sure how his message would speak to me. Would it leave me sad? Would it make me happy? Would it make me appreciate what I have instead of focusing on what I’ve lost? Would I even be listening as he spoke or would my mind be elsewhere? I almost didn’t want to listen, I almost wanted to climb back in my car and put my hands over my ears like a toddler, but I didn’t. I can’t say many things stick out to me about that service except this little “story” that he read. I’ve heard it many times before, but this time it ripped my heart out.

A baby asked God, 'They tell me you are sending me to earth tomorrow, but how am I going to live there being so small and helpless?' God said, 'Your angel will be waiting for you and will take care of you.'

The child further inquired, 'But tell me, here in heaven I don't have to do anything but sing and smile to be happy.' God said, 'Your angel will sing for you and will also smile for you. And you will feel your angel's love and be very happy.'

Again the child asked, 'And how am I going to be able to understand when people talk to me if I don't know the language?' God said, 'Your angel will tell you the most beautiful and sweet words you will ever hear, and with much patience and care, your angel will teach you how to speak.'

'And what am I going to do when I want to talk to you?' God said, 'Your angel will place your hands together and will teach you how to pray.'

'Who will protect me?' God said, 'Your angel will defend you even if it means risking its life.'

'But I will always be sad because I will not see you anymore.' God said, 'Your angel will always talk to you about Me and will teach you the way to come back to Me, even though I will always be next to you.'

At that moment there was much peace in Heaven, but voices from Earth could be heard and the child hurriedly asked, 'God, if I am to leave now, please tell me my angel's name.'

God said, 'You will simply call her, 'Mom.'                      

You can imagine why this particular “story” would set me over the edge. Let’s pretend that babies do have this conversation with God before they are sent to heaven; how did that conversation go with my Thomas? Did God tell him that he would only briefly meet his angel/mommy and then go straight back to heaven? I didn’t get the opportunity to fulfill all of these things that are spoken of here, but there are a few that I had the honor of fulfilling. God said, “your angel will be waiting for you and will take care of you”. I was waiting, looking forward to meeting him and I took care of him the best way I knew how. I, along with his daddy, loved him in the good times and the very bad. I can only hope that was sufficient. The child further inquired, “but tell me, here in heaven I don’t have to do anything but sing and smile to be happy.” God said, “your angel will sing for you and will also smile for you. And you will feel your angel’s love and be very happy.” I did sing to him, I sang “Hush Little Baby” because Aaden still loves for me to sing that for him. I also sang “Jesus Loves Me” because all little ones should know that song! Again the child asked, “And how am I going to be able to understand when people talk to me if I don’t know the language?” God said, “Your angel will tell you the most beautiful and sweet words you will ever hear, and with much patience and care, your angel will teach you how to speak.” I talked to Thomas nonstop, he heard my voice until he went to be with Jesus; my voice along with his daddy’s. I told him how loved he was and how badly I wanted to keep him. I also told him it was ok to go be with Jesus so he wouldn’t have to hurt any longer. I will never get the chance to teach him how to speak for himself, but without the ability to ever speak a word, that little boy spoke volumes. “And what am I going to do when I want to talk to you?” God said, “Your angel will place your hands together and will teach you how to pray” I’m so very sad that I will not get to teach him how to pray. I can say he heard his daddy and I pray, he heard us beg for mercy on our sweet baby boy. “Who will protect me?” God said, “Your angel will defend you even if it means risking its life.” This line cuts me to my core. I did defend my baby, when they told me to terminate I told them no! I will never get the chance to defend him to that mean teacher, or that school bully, or some dumb little girl that will break his heart, but I got to defend his life in the biggest way possible. I feel blessed to have been given that choice so I could proudly say that my baby is still MY baby and a precious human being; I could not give up on my precious gift before God said it was time. “But I will always be sad because I will not see you anymore”. God said, “Your angel will always talk to you about Me and will teach you the way to come back to Me, even though I will always be next to you.” My sweet Thomas didn’t need any guidance in this area, he knew the way back and found it all on his own. And the child hurriedly asked, “God, if I am to leave now, please tell me my angel’s name.” God said, “you will simply call her, Mom.” The best name in the world, mommy! Every single time I hear Aaden say mommy it makes my heart happy. I cry when I think about how I will never hear Thomas’s voice say that word, but I do know that he knew I was his mommy. I can’t express how many times I said, “Mommy loves you baby boy”. He knew his mommy loved him more than life itself.

I’m not sure I heard much beyond this point. I don’t know if I just shutdown or if I was so focused on the lines in this story that I couldn’t focus on anything else. I had to tell myself that I have things to celebrate; I have children here on earth that love me very much and need me more than Thomas does. Thomas is in the hands of the creator; he is well provided for.

Once we got out of church we hit the road to have lunch with my mom in Orange. We still had tons of family in and enjoyed our time with them. The kids were running crazy as they always are and I was able to watch them, laugh and remember my reasons for loving Mother’s Day. People always say, “Thomas is always with you” or something along those lines. As true as that may be, it’s very hard to understand. I wish it made me feel better to think that he’s always with me, but it doesn’t. I want to kiss his lips again. I want to squeeze him so tight that he gets mad at me. I want to dress and undress him a million times a day. I want to feel his fingers wrapped around my finger. I want to tickle his feet and watch his toes curl. I want to place him on my chest and rock until my legs go numb. Yes, he is always with me in spirit, but I want him here in the flesh too. I know it’s selfish, but on Mother’s Day, and every other day, I miss my baby. 

05-07-11 / Celebrating the Life of The Sweetest Baby Ever Born

05-07-11 / Celebrating the Life of The Sweetest Baby Ever Born

Today was a day filled with uncertainty. I was wanting this to be a celebration of my sweet baby boy’s life, but it was still a funeral; could I hold it together? It seemed like this day took forever getting here but at the same time it snuck up on me. Was I ready to say goodbye to him? Could I walk away from the cemetery with peace in my heart knowing that I was leaving my baby there? Would everything go as I pictured it in my head and in my heart? Would we be able to do his life justice? I just want to make my sweet boy as proud as he has made me.

The service was planned for 10:00 a.m. and I was so panicked about being late. I told everyone I would be there by 9:00 to help get things set up but I failed miserably at that; it turned out to be a blessing that we arrived when we did. Our friends were there at 8:30 to begin blowing up balloons, we had over 140 balloons to send up to Thomas at the end of the service and they all joined together to get them aired up and ready for takeoff! The guys in the band along with my dad were there around 9:00 to start getting things setup and to make sure their sound equipment would work with the generator that we brought. We had every single intention of being there bright and early to help with all of these things but in real “Holly” fashion, we were late! I shot for a 9:00 arrival and made it by 9:45, about right.

I mentioned that it was a blessing that we arrived when we did and I will explain why. When we pulled up we noticed the large crowd that had already gathered, I began to panic and told Aaron how dumb it was going to look when we couldn’t find a parking spot at our own child’s service. He pulled right up to the front and parked where I feel certain the funeral home vehicle was supposed to park; he didn’t seem to care. We started getting the kids ready for what we were about to do and they didn’t have a care in the world. Aaden was running around crazy and Kamryn was scanning the crowd to see who all she knew. Let me quickly define crowd for you; the funeral home employees estimated around 250+ people in attendance. They said it was by far the largest graveside they’ve ever hosted. Most adults don’t have the type of turn out at their farewell service that our Thomas had; he was a special kid! The reason it was a blessing that we arrived when we did is because Thomas arrived shortly thereafter.

When we found out that Thomas wouldn’t live very long, Aaron got it set in his mind that he wanted to be the one to carry him into the service. He didn’t want anyone else doing that task; he felt it was his responsibility. He walked up to the car and Hershel was so kind and gentle while showing him how to carry Thomas down the sidewalk, took the casket into his hands and walked proudly toward the huge crowd of people. Have I mentioned what a wonderful husband I have? Have I mentioned how lucky I am to have a man that loves his children unconditionally and is the true meaning of the word “daddy”? He has shown a level of strength through all of this that I truly didn’t know he possessed! I am proud to be his wife and even more proud that I was able to share in this experience with him; the life of our baby boy.

Thank goodness my dad had come to greet us when we got there because he managed the kids as we all walked in together to say our final farewell to our sweet angel. As we reached the tent we spent a small amount of time getting him just right. Each one of us had a yellow tulip to place on his casket, plus one for him; his casket “spray” consisted of 5 beautiful tulips placed one over the other. No ribbons, no flashy décor, just 5 flowers to represent each member of our family. Once we got those things in order we sat with our family and thoroughly enjoyed the rest of his service. The weather was amazing, there was a cool breeze blowing just right, the clouds were beautiful and the sun was out but didn’t seem to be blazing to the point of discomfort. Everything was perfect. Brandon Hanson spoke such kind words and simply told the story of Thomas’s life. We didn’t want this to be a typical service where they blankly talk about who this person is survived by, blah blah blah. We wanted it to tell his story, the story of the tiniest warrior; and that’s what Brandon did. We also didn’t want your typical “Amazing Grace” and “Beulah Land” type of music. Don’t get me wrong, those are two of my favorite songs from growing up in a Baptist church, but they just don’t scream “celebration” to me. We were blessed to have Justin and William from the Calvary Baptist V2 service band there to lead us in praise and worship. They sang, “Praise You in This Storm”, “Jesus Paid it All”, “How He Loves Us” and “Our God Is Greater”; four of our favorite songs. Songs that expressed how much God has done for us and how we will thank him; even in the midst of the lowest point of our lives.

At one point in the service I looked back to see Kamryn sitting on my dad’s lap crying. We’re still unsure if she was crying because she was sad about Thomas or she was sad because others were sad around her; either way, it broke my heart. I motioned for her to come to the front, where she crawled into my lap and snuggled up to me and cried. Bless her heart, she just doesn’t understand it all, it’s too much for her to grasp. Aaden was clueless, he was just exceptionally concerned about the fact that he was “so thirsty” and was demanding a juice box. Why in the world didn’t we bring any juice boxes?!?

As Brandon began to wrap things up I became sad, I wasn’t ready for it to end. I could sit and listen to people talk about my Thomas for hours and hours and never become bored. I knew it had to end at some point but I just wasn’t ready for that point to come just yet. He finished up and we sang Our God Is Greater and then the fun began. We all got to step out and let our balloons go, how beautiful to see that many baby blue balloons headed toward the heavens in honor of our baby prince. Aaden held tight to his balloon, as he still had to release his butterflies. I had ordered a butterfly kit for him a few weeks ago and we weren’t sure when they would hatch. In this kit, they send you 5 caterpillars in a jar that eventually form cocoons and then butterflies. Well, he watched them daily to see what was happening and I just knew they would hatch over the weekend that we were away having Thomas; they didn’t. When Aaden got home from my parents’ house that Monday afternoon, we got to share with him that one of his butterflies was out; he was beside himself. He couldn’t stop looking at this butterfly; he’d go play outside and then run in just to peek at it. Over the span of the week following Thomas’s birth and leading up to his burial, all five butterflies hatched. We decided there was no better time or place than at his service to release Aaden’s butterflies. How awesome that there were 5; just like our family! I knelt down beside Aaden and unzipped his butterfly house, one flew out quickly and Aaden let out the cutest laugh; this was such a blessing, to hear such laughter in a setting where there should be sadness. All of them flew off except one, it was lying on the sidewalk and I was a bit concerned that it was sick and wouldn’t be able to fly. Aaron said he was concerned that Aaden was going to go over and stomp on it. I think my dad finally picked it up and it flew off, then the sweetest thing happened; Aaden released his balloon. His was the last to enter the sky, one little balloon from Thomas’s big brother.

We spent so much time hugging, I don’t remember everyone that we hugged, we were overwhelmed by the attendance and we wanted to see everyone there, but it just wasn’t possible. We felt like we were in a spin cycle for a while, but I will never forget it. To know that there are that many people out there that love our family and that love our angel baby amazes me. I will never be able to thank each of you, but please know that it meant the world to us. Once the crowd had cleared it was time for us to say our goodbyes. We each took our tulip off of his casket and left his with him, Aaron and I kissed his casket and Aaron gently placed him in the ground. I didn’t know he was going to do that, but I’m so glad that he did. I’m so proud of him.

We left the cemetery and went straight home to a party! We had a bounce house that Cmore rentals donated for the weekend; finger foods and a huge cake from Glenda’s Bake a Cake!! It was truly like a huge birthday party! Everything had gone the way I pictured it. The service was breathtaking, the weather was incredible, the mood was just right; all in all, I feel we celebrated his life and brought honor to the person he was.

We woke up the next morning, Mother’s Day, and I was greeted by Aaden yelling, “Hey mommy, come look at my butter…..where are my butterflies?” I said, “you gave them to baby Thomas, remember?” In true 3 year old, big brother fashion he screams, “but I had them first!!!” Happy Mother’s Day to me! All of my children were with me and always will be!