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Tuesday, April 5, 2011

04-05-11 / Are my "Thomas moments" beginning?


04-05-11 / Are my "Thomas moments" beginning?

I was chatting with my assistant principal the other day, the one that lost her daughter a few years back, and she shared some stories with me. She was saying how she will get these little “signs”, so to speak, from her daughter and they call them “Tory moments”. She shared many of them with me and they gave me chills. She told me that I will have “Thomas moments”, ones where I feel him around me; I wasn’t sure how I felt about having these moments but after last night I think I will enjoy them.

I had my first Thomas dream. Aaron said he has them all the time; he says we’re always in a corner, I’m on a bed and he’s sitting next to me holding the baby and Kamryn and Aaden are always there too. He’s never shared that with me before today when I told him that I had a vivid dream about him last night. My dream was so pleasant, I remember feeling so much comfort and happiness and making myself wake up to reality was tough; that’s the thing about good dreams, they end. In my dream, his physical appearance was just as I’ve pictured him; incomplete with some facial deformities, but to me he was absolutely breathtakingly adorable. I didn’t even have a hat on him, which is a big deal because I have been stressing out about making sure I don’t see that particular part of him; I loved on him just the way he was. One of the parents from the elementary school where I work made him some cloth diapers that are so sweet and soft; he had one of those on and nothing else. He was so happy; he smiled and made all the sweet baby noises that every other newborn baby makes. We weren’t at the hospital, we were at a place that resembled Disney World, not really sure what that means. All I remember is him bringing me so much joy, it wasn’t a sad day as I’ve pictured it to be; it was just pure and simple joy. One of the medically known facts about these babies is that they are typically born deaf and blind, although I know he has a far more severe birth defect that will ultimately steal him from me; it bothers me to think he will never see or hear me. In this dream he was blind, but he could hear my voice; he wasn’t deaf!! When I would speak to him he would respond, most of the time with a smile but sometimes he would just move his head in for a tighter snuggle. I don’t remember who all was there with us and I’m not sure that it matters, I’m going to view this dream as a “sign” that he will hear my voice, he will find comfort in me while he’s here. I want to believe that he will have his hearing; he will at least hear the voice of each person that whispers to him how much he is loved.

Maybe this is the first of many “Thomas moments” for me; as long as they are all this pleasant I will welcome them with open arms. I remember after my Paw Paw died, when I was much younger, I would have such vivid dreams of him that I would have to remind myself that he was really gone. I know most people do that when they lose someone that they love so much; that’s how this dream was. I enjoyed it so much that when I woke up I found myself falling into deep sorrow. I had to remind myself that it was only a dream and in the very near future I will get to hold him, snuggle him, kiss him and whisper to him, all before letting him go. That’s more like a nightmare!

"You are valuable because you exist.
Not because of what you do or what you have done
but simply because you are.”  - Max Lucado

4 comments:

  1. thank you for sharing - again Holly!! I will be sure and share this with Catie. Enjoy all your Thomas moments - "little gifts from heaven", I know they will bring you comfort and be an affirmation of God's love to you and everyone you share your stories of your "Thomas moments" with. Try and remember when you look in that sweet face for the first time that he doesn't have to hear your voice or see the look of love in your eyes to know that you love him. He will FEEL it, touch is a very powerful thing and surely he feels the love of everyone rallying around his mommy, daddy, and big sister and brother - all in anticipation of his arrival. Peace be with you my friend.

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  2. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful! I have so many friends who've lost a child who have all shared those sorts of moments...and I love them!

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  3. Thank you so very much! Lanie - please let Catie know that her beautiful diapers made it into my dreams! If you had asked me a year ago how I felt about cloth diapers I would have laughed; I love the ones she made me! I cannot wait to see him in his little hat and cocoon too, I plan to capture many memories in the short time he's with us!

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  4. What a beautiful dream! Thanks for sharing Holly...it made me cry sitting here at my desk at work! Now I need to go fix my mascara! lol.

    Seriously though, Thomas will always know how much you and Aaron love him...whether here on earth or up in Heaven with his Creator. I mean, you've already shown him just how much you love him by carrying him throughout this entire journey and not giving up on him just because of his destiny and small time here on earth. That is one of the greatest acts of love that you can show your children- that you won't give up on them EVER even knowing what will ultimately happen to them- Not only in Thomas' case but in everything that Aiden will face in his life as well. It is so important for parents to never turn their backs on their children, because yes, you will face difficult times (sometimes more difficult that you could ever imagine), but who you and your family become from facing those challenges is beyond amazing! Keep pressing on, sister, and I'll keep praying for you every day! Love you guys!

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