04-20-11 / The Home Stretch…..
We went in today for our last appointment with Dr. Sherman, we have mixed emotions about it. I think many moms would agree with me when I say that during pregnancy your ob/gyn and their staff become like family; you tend to see them more than some of your family! We have grown so close to these people and they have been so amazingly wonderful to our family, I can’t imagine not going in there at least once every 2 weeks! On top of that feeling, we now have to face the reality that the end is near. A time when we should be jumping for joy because we’re at the final stages of crankiness, discomfort and misery of pregnancy, we’re overcome with dread and the stress of the unknown.
Today was an odd day to say the least. I spent most of the day in the bed because I’m so sick I can’t even drive myself to work, apparently some viral infection that’s floating around, and Aaron spent his day tending to Aaden. Today was Aaden’s first Easter party and I didn’t want him to miss it so him and Aaron loaded up and flew to Orange to attend his little class party; the things we do for our kids! When they got back we had to start getting ourselves ready for our visit to Dr. Sherman, this means I have to put a face on so I don’t scare onlookers and Aaden has to pack a bag full of toys. As we were going up in the elevator there was a woman and her baby girl headed to the 4th floor with us. She struck up a conversation with Aaden about his gun that he was clicking repeatedly and then came the dreaded question; “are you having a baby brother or sister?” I am used to these questions because I’m the one with the visible physical attribute that screams, “I’m pregnant, ask me what I’m having”. I could feel Aaron tense up almost instantly, I immediately said, “can you tell her you’re having a brother?” I don’t remember what she said from there because I was trying to avoid any further discussion. I don’t think we went in with any questions, but as always, we came up with a few. We have all been wondering exactly how this will all go down on delivery day and I think Dr. Sherman is as worried as we are about it going just the way we want. At our last visit she expressed to us that Thomas would have to go to the nursery for just a few minutes for them to give him a look over and make the official “diagnosis” and I was so uneasy about that. I started thinking of the worst-case scenario; what if he passes away while they’re “diagnosing” him instead of in our arms? That was something that I couldn’t allow to happen, I needed to spend every living moment with my baby and I think Aaron was feeling the same level of unease about it. That was relieved today when we spoke with our sweet doctor, she actually brought it up, we didn’t even mention it. She basically said she didn’t see any reason why we couldn’t keep him with us at all times. I can’t even express the level of relief I felt at that very moment! She did say that they would take a few moments in the operating room to look him over and do what they needed to do, but then he was all ours! He will go with us into the recovery room and then we will all go together to our room where we just wait, I loathe waiting!
Once we were finished with Dr. Sherman we had to head over to the hospital to get registered for delivery day, this is where things got uncomfortable. The girl that brought us back to register us for our time at the hospital clearly had no idea that our baby wasn’t going to survive. It was written as plain as day on the paper she was staring at, anencephaly, but she’s just the girl that signs people in, she doesn’t understand the medical lingo apparently. She began asking us all the typical questions, but before she started the questions she said, “congratulations”, to which I said “thank you” and Aaron said nothing! She asked about the sex of the baby and then asked if we were excited, this is one question I haven’t gotten yet and it was painful to answer. I simply let her know that we were nervous and gave a simple giggle and left it at that. As Aadenok because I am with him all the time and I face the situation every waking moment and sometimes in my sleep. This has allowed me to begin healing. I have had my time with him, I still long to hold him and smell him and kiss his tiny lips, but I’ve been able to bond with him in a way that nobody else has and during this bonding I have been able to come to terms with the fact that he’s not mine to keep. My prayer now is that I can help Aaron through all of this. He text me the other day expressing how helpless he feels that there’s nothing he can do for his little boy. He then asked how he would feel once he’s held him and then has to watch him die. At first I was wondering why these questions were just now dawning on him, they cross my mind 24/7, I literally picture the last moments of his life over and over and over in my head; how is he just now facing this? I have to say it’s because he hasn’t had to face it, he’s able to go to work and pretend life is good, I get to go to work and bring reality with me; we are two people going through the same pain in two very different ways.