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Thursday, April 28, 2011

04-28-11 / A Play By Play Of The Worst Week Of My Life…….

04-28-11 / A Play By Play Of The Worst Week Of My Life…….

I would say the worst week of my life but I’m going to start with Good Friday –

Good Friday proved to live up to it’s name, it was pretty decent!! Aaden and I had the day to ourselves, which meant we would sleep in, and then do whatever we wanted! We were supposed to go see the Easter Bunny, because I put it off to the last minute this year, and then we would be paying the movie theater a visit with one of my dear friends and her little girl; we had to skip the Easter Bunny in order to get to the movie in time, in true Holly fashion! Being exceptionally late paid off this time because that particular show was “sold out” but I knew that Shawna had saved two seats for Aaden and I so they just let us in free, free is always more fun! Once the movie was over we had to pay the Easter Bunny a visit because I had already told Aaden that we would. We stood in a long line for about 45 minutes and I could have sworn Parkdale mall had the heat on, misery. It was finally our turn for the bunny and Aaden ran up to him, climbed in his lap and started chatting away; so precious. He then turned around with a giant grin on his face and screams, “he said yes mommy, he said yes!” To clear things up, the Easter Bunny had just confirmed that he would be delivering a “pop and arrow” on Easter morning, for those wondering what a “pop and arrow” is, it’s a bow and arrow that my son has been dying for since watching the movie Tangled. This meant that this mama had to begin the hunt for a pop and arrow before Sunday! Once we were finished with the bunny Aaron texts to inform me that he will be forced to work 18 hour shifts for the rest of the weekend, this is where things starting sliding downhill and not in a good way. He had left that morning at 4am to get to work and he didn’t come home until 11:30 that night, he then got back up to leave for work Saturday morning at 4am; this cycle repeated all weekend, meaning he missed out on all of Aaden’s Easter activities.
Saturday –

This day was ok, not great, not terrible, just ok. It really should have qualified as a great day considering all the activities but I felt like I was in another world all day and couldn’t snap out of it. I sat outside watching the kids play in the mud all day long and was having a tough time enjoying that, this is something I would normally love doing. I just didn’t feel like myself. We got them all in and cleaned up so they could dye Easter eggs, another activity I typically love but I just couldn’t get into it. I don’t think I said more than about 10 words all day long, maybe I did and I just don’t remember it.

Easter Sunday –

This day was hard, very hard! I haven’t been out to my parents’ church since we found out that Thomas has anencephaly and I don’t think I was prepared to see the faces of all the people I love so much. We were late to church, nothing new there, but I was feeling the urge to slip out early! I didn’t know if I could face everyone. It wasn’t just your typical “we love you and are praying for you” conversations, I could see the pain on their faces, I could feel the love that they all have for my family; that was so hard on me for some reason. As I’ve stated many times, I don’t cry in front of others so I choked back the tears as best I could; I’m sure they could all see right through it. Once church was over we headed to my parents house for lunch and egg hunts, my heart felt so heavy, the worst week of my life was about to begin. The worst part of the entire day was that Aaron couldn’t be with us, he missed Aaden hunting eggs, he’s not in any of our family Easter pictures, he had to miss it all. He hated it as much as I did, if not more.

Monday –

I had no idea that this particular Monday would be so very hard on me. I got up and got moving, but reluctantly. It seemed like everyone has been able to live in a fairy tale land for the last 4 months, we have all been able to enjoy talking about how hard Thomas is on my body and partake in pregnancy jokes directed at me. I knew today would be different, but I didn’t realize it until I got in my car to drive to work, today was the day that we all had to face reality. I finally made it to work where I sat in my car, stuck, just like in the beginning of all of this! I couldn’t make myself go into work, I didn’t want to walk in to a building filled with people that love me and are hurting for me. Judy finally came and forced me out of the car and into my room, that’s as far as I got all day. I sobbed at my table all day long. I haven’t had a day like that in forever. I couldn’t leave my room; I was frozen at my table for hours. It wasn’t just a bit of crying where you dab the tears from your face, it was all out sobbing, the kind where you can’t really breathe and you get all splotchy; at least I do. It’s the ugly cry! A few people came down to my room to tell me they love me and that I needed to go home. Some couldn’t bring themselves to come down there, which is completely understandable. I decided to finally call it a day and went home where I slept for the rest of the afternoon. The only reason I decided to wake up was because we had one last ultrasound scheduled with my sweet friend Brandy at Sneak a Peek. I almost backed out, I almost called and said it was more than I could take to see him but I didn’t; best decision I’ve ever made.

We got there and I was so nervous. The last images we got of him weren’t so promising, he looked sad and unhealthy, they left me feeling sad and a little disappointed; this day turned out way better. He was beautiful!!! He is so fat, his cheeks look just like Aadens and the rolls on his arms are almost more than I can handle, he is just perfect! To say I can’t wait to squeeze him is an understatement; I will kiss his sweet lips and cheeks until it makes him mad. When I saw how beautiful he was and how healthy he looked my outlook on this week changed a little bit. When Aaron and I got in the car I think I was obnoxiously happy, he didn’t seem to share in my excitement. When I asked him how he felt about these images all he said was, “I think part of me hopes when we come here that we will see that there is nothing wrong with him”, I have to admit that I have that tiny bit of hope in the back of my mind too. I still have a small amount of hope that when Dr. Sherman delivers him she will shout in excitement that he has been healed, I think that’s only human. Our human desire is to keep him, we just want to have him and watch him grow. My parents were able to attend this ultrasound and I was super excited about that, I was so happy that they got to see him so healthy and peaceful. We left from there and went to dinner, I think I might have been the only one that was so excited about it all; for just a little while I forgot that he wasn’t perfectly healthy and focused on his chunky face that I will always love.

That evening we had Brandon and Nikki Hanson over to discuss our son’s funeral service. I have known these two wonderful people forever it seems, they were brought into my life so many years ago for this very moment. Brandon will be leading the service for Thomas and I don’t have any way to thank him for that. I know it will be very hard on him, he expressed that to us in our meeting; said he might have to gather himself during the service here and there. When we first found out about our baby I had several people ask if my dad would be doing the services. I wanted to offer that to him but at the same time I didn’t want him to feel obligated; this has all been so hard on both of my parents, I did’t think he could handle it. So when I approached dad with it I simply let him know that if he didn’t think he’d be up to it I would get Brandon to do it, he quickly said we should talk to Brandon. Our meeting with Brandon and Nikki went so well, he shared his heart on how he wanted the service to go and asked us if it was ok with us; it sounded perfect to me. My sweet boy will have an amazing service to honor his short life here.

Fast forward to Today –

How did I spend my entire afternoon? Snuggling one of the sweetest baby boys ever! My dear friend, Jessica, had baby Wyatt last Monday and I have been waiting impatiently to meet him. I was sick when he was born and was just now feeling well enough to go love on him. The special thing about Wyatt is that he was supposed to be Thomas’s best friend, we were due to have them roughly 6 weeks apart and we just knew we could plan their future friendship piece by piece. When we found out about Thomas’s diagnosis I instantly began longing for the feeling of holding a newborn in my arms. I think I bugged Jessica daily about her progress, I wanted Wyatt here and he wasn’t coming fast enough. I have started having uncontrollable urges to hold perfect strangers babies, anyone that knows me well, knows this is totally out of character for me. I’m not one to ooooohhhh and aaaahhhh over a random baby, but my body and heart is just longing for that snuggly feeling of holding a baby. Today was medicine for my soul, I was able to hold Wyatt as long as I wanted and I can’t describe how good that made me feel. I think some might think that would make me sad, but it didn’t, it just brought an indescribable peace over me.

Once I got home the madness began, laundry, dishes, packing and preparing. I am so thankful for my skill of procrastination today; my mind was too busy to get sad! We finally got all of the laundry done so I won’t have to deal with it when we get home and we’re all packed up; time to face the reality of it all, ready or not! Our family came over with a wonderful dinner and we all laughed and visited like nothing is wrong.

A dear friend sent this to me tonight – “what you and Aaron will face in the morning is new to you, but it is not to God. He made it part of your life’s story a long time ago”. This is so true; God knew this was coming long before I even knew I wanted children. Even if I am far from prepared, He is more than prepared to carry us through it.

Please keep us in your prayers throughout the upcoming weeks. Pray for strength, courage, peace and calm. Pray that we are able to attend to our children that we are so blessed to already have and are able to answer their innocent questions in a way that they will understand. Pray that our marriage will become stronger than ever and we are able to see the silver lining in all of this. Pray that through this, Thomas’s life was not for nothing, pray that he has been a tool of God in all of this and will continue to do God’s work beyond his life on this earth. Above all, please pray at this very moment that our family is able to enjoy every single moment we have with him here, that our memories will only be happy ones and we will be able to speak of our angel baby and smile.

Thank you all for your love and support through all of this! You will never know what it has meant to my family. As I sit here typing this he is kicking the mess out of my ribs, oh how I will miss that. As much as I hate being pregnant I just wish I could stay pregnant forever to avoid the pain of saying goodbye to my baby boy.


  1. Holly,
    You don't know me but I was privileged to be added, a few months ago, to a prayer list for you and your family. I haven't been able to get you off of my mind and pray for you all constantly...and admittedly cry from time to time after reading your blog entries or just simply from thinking about you. I am not even sure if you will read this or not and it really doesn't matter as my words are of little significance right now and probably forever. I have learned so much from you! I strive every day to not complain about the things that my kiddos do that would normally be annoying and all those "little things that mommys just do" without being noticed are more special now because of your story and courage. We will never know why God does the things that He does and why some of us are the chosen ones to bear so much pain. My father died when I was very young and my mother put on his head stone: "Thy Will Be Done". Only as an adult do I truly have some sense of understanding as to her faith in God's will and I pray for you and your family the same faith my mom had years ago and still has today. I have had the overwhelming drive to write to you for so many months and as today arrived, I couldn't stop myself. Maybe we are sort of kindred spirits as I am an OT? Thank you for allowing us to share your family's journey with you and for allowing us to pray for you and with you. You are and will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. God bless all of you with peace and special memories that never fade.

    In His love,

  2. Holly,
    Somehow I missed this post last night. I've been praying for you all day today. Wish I could've been there to hug you, hold Thomas and basically love on your family. You're so right about this not being a surprise to God. And remember, this was never plan B. He always knew how many days Thomas's life would span. He always knew how much of an impact he'd have on you, Aaron, your family...

    God bless.

  3. Holly, you don't know me but have been following your story. I can say I'm so sorry but I can't say I know what you are going through. I can say our GOd is an awesome God and he does know
    What he's doing. He has a plan for everyone and everything. He picked you to be this awesome Godly surrogate. WE are all his surrogates. But he believes you and your husband are strong and Christian believers. He knew you would not abort and that you would love and product baby Thomas unconditionally and forever. I pray for you find peace within and strength to hold your family together. Have your time to grieve. Don't put a time limit on it either. Hold your head high and do not give up on our Lord, no matter how hard that may be. He has his arms open wide and holding your family tight. Don't ever say you don't feel you are a good mom. you are one of the bests. love and prayers. April smith, Lumberton, tx

  4. Hey, Holly. I've been following your journey though facebook and your blog. It has been amazing to see people from high school as well as people I know from ETBU who have been posting about you and asking for prayer. You and your family have been heavy on my heart the past few weeks. I just wanted to say that I am praying for each of you in the days to come. I know that God will continue to carry you through. You have been so much stronger than I think I could have ever been through something so difficult, and that simply comes from Him. You're in my thoughts and prayers,

    PS. I love knowing that Brandon is performing the service. He and Nikki hold such a special place in my heart. I'm sure he will honor Thomas well.

  5. We are praying for you here in MD. Thomas is beautiful, May God bless and keep you \0/

  6. I don't know the words to say, I do know there are never words to say. But I want to share that my baby sister was born with suspected trisomy 13 or 18. Those were conditions that doctors told us (even from the first ultrasound up until times in the nicu) that she would never live, that she would die. But God is so much, so vastly bigger and wiser than these doctors. And he loves us so much more. Whatever sweet Thomas's life may hold, God knows more than the doctors, and loves him and you more. And a diagnosis is no pronouncement. NO! Children break "rules" set by doctors all the time! And it gives such joy and hope. Please, have hope. God is so much bigger. The doctors do NOT know everything, oh, they don't!

    I am praying hard and like the widow at the door for your dear Thomas. God loves him, and He loves you.

    Carley Thompson

  7. I learned of your story tonight and all I can say is that I admire the courage you and your family have. I lost my six week old baby girl last year and I know how painful it is to lose a child. Nothing anyone can say or do will ever take that pain away.

    Please hold on to your memories with your baby and always be thankful to God for allowing you to meet such a beautiful angel.

    Xenia Biggs